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    He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth

    | CA, USA | Health & Body, Holidays, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)

    Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”

    Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”

    Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”

    Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”

    (As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)

    Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”

    Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”

    (Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)

    Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”

    Won’t Listen Until You’re Code Blue In The Face

    | KS, USA | Health & Body

    (We’ve been extremely busy in the small ER where I work. We’re completely full with people in the waiting room when an ambulance brings in a Code Blue—someone not breathing. The x-ray tech and I are standing in the nurse’s station awaiting instructions, when a patient’s relative comes up.)

    Relative: “What’s going on? Why hasn’t the doctor come in to see my son? We’ve been waiting over an hour!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, we have a Code Blue critical patient in and the doctor is busy.”

    Relative: “Too busy to check on his patients? This is ridiculous! We haven’t even seen a nurse in 20 d*** minutes!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, like I said, everyone’s busy with the Code Blue and nobody is free at the moment.”

    Relative: “This unacceptable! My son is in pain back there, and you don’t give a s***!”

    (At this point, the nursing supervisor and the relative of a different patient walks up.)

    Supervisor: “Ma’am? Can I help you?”

    Relative: “My son is back there in pain and these two aren’t doing a thing about it! Just standing around! And the doctor hasn’t even been in to see him!”

    Supervisor: “Well, ma’am, as these young ladies have told you multiple times, we have Code Blue that needs our attention right now.”

    Relative: “What the f*** does that even mean?”

    Another Patient’s Relative: “It means that someone is DYING, you idiot. Your son’s headache can wait a few minutes!”

    (The first relative looked absolutely ashamed of herself and quickly retreated. The other patient’s relative later went on to buy some candy for all our staff as a thank you for working so hard.)

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

    Man: “Ahem.”

    (I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

    Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

    Me: “What?”

    Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

    Me: “What are you talking about?”

    Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

    (I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

    Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

    Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

    Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

    Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

    (He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

    Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

    (The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

    Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

    Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

    Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [name of store].”

    Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

    (The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

    Idiot’s Combo

    | VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (I work in a hospital cafeteria as a cashier. We have different combos for our grill for stuff like burger and fries, or sandwich and soup. The examples are merely suggestions, and don’t vary in price depending on your combination. Two middle-aged women come up with their items.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you all doing today?”

    (Customers #1 and #2 don’t say anything.)

    Me: “Okay, I see you have 2 grilled cheese, a soup, fries, and 2 drinks.”

    (I hit the combo button twice to keep them moving.)

    Customer #1: “Hey! What did you do there?”

    Me: “…I put in your orders?”

    Customer #1: “You put two combos, but I don’t have two combos!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you have two grill items and two side items.”

    Customer #1: “I know what I have! I don’t have the soup, so it’s not a combo! You’re trying to make me pay more!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s actually cheaper if you—”

    Customer #1: “It says right there,” *she reads slowly* “Sandwiches… and… soup… combo. It’s not a combo and you put it in as a combo!”

    Customer #2: “Yeah! I saw you do it right here!”

    Me: “Alright, I’m sorry about that.”

    (I change it, making the total go from about $6 to $8.)

    Customer #1: “That’s better!”

    (We exchange money, and they both leave, when a doctor comes up next.)

    Doctor: “Could you imagine if we made combos for healthcare? They’d go broke from taking care of a cold!”

    Out Bat-ter Angels

    | NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

    Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

    Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

    Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

    (Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to Child #1. A few minutes later, Child #1 returns.)

    Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

    (At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spiderman speaks up.)

    Spiderman #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

    Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

    Spiderman #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

    Spiderman #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

    Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

    Spiderman #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

    (Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

    Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

    Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

    Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

    Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

    Superman: “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

    (He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

    Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

    Spiderman #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

    Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

    Spiderman #1: “No!”

    (All of a sudden, Spiderman #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

    Spiderman #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

    (At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spiderman #1 begins stuttering.)

    Spiderman #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

    Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

    (He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

    Batman: *cuffs Spiderman #1* “I want justice!”

    (The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

    Child: “When crazy Spiderman went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spiderman go away!”


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