(A frantic, middle-aged man rushes to the check-in counter at my hospital.)

Patient: “I need a doctor!”

Me: “What’s seems to be your problem, sir?”

Patient: “I don’t feel good! My heartbeat is racing fast! I can’t see straight. I need a doctor NOW!”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. When did you start having these symptoms? Did you take any medication today?”

Patient: “I don’t know! It started after I smoked that joint. It was my first time!”

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(A client walks into clinic as the floors are being mopped. She notices the ‘wet floor’ sign, and immediately starts flailing around as if she’s slipping.)

Me: “I haven’t mopped that part of the lobby yet.”

(The client immediately stops her dramatics.)

Client: “Oh, okay.”

(A patient is signing consents. They will receive conscious sedation before a small, outpatient surgery.)

Patient: “So, when I get upstairs, they’re going to seduce me?”

Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

Caller: “Not specific ones.”

Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

(Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”