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    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 6

    | MD, USA | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a hospital clerk. I am sitting in a staff-only workroom during my break when a man in a wheelchair comes in. He is non-verbal due to a surgery, but is in his right mind.)

    Patient: “Grunt.”

    Me: “Hi, sir. Can I help you?”

    Patient: “Grunt, GRUNT, GRUUUUUUUNT!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t understand. Why don’t we go up to the front desk and get some paper so you can write?”

    (We go to the desk, and I get the patient some paper. He writes, “Please take me outside.”)

    Me: “I’m on break, but sure, I don’t mind. Do you want me to wheel you outside or can you do it yourself?”

    Patient: *points to me*

    (I try to wheel him into an elevator. Unfortunately, I’m 5’1” and seven months pregnant, and he’s about 350 lbs. We don’t make it.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m so sorry. I can’t do it.”

    (The patient slaps me.)

    Me: “Ouch! Sir! Please don’t do that. I’ll call someone else to take you.”

    (He slaps me four more times, twice in the stomach.)

    Me: “Owowow! Sir. Stop right now! You’ll hurt the baby! STOP! STOP IT! If you touch me again, I will call security.”

    Patient: “GRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNT!”

    (He wheels himself into the elevator and leaves. I bend over and grab my stomach, in tears. One of the nurses finds me and checks me out. I dry my tears and page security.)

    Me: “Officer [name]? This is [me]. We’ve got a patient, Mr. [name], who’s been harassing and assaulting staff. He just slapped me in the face and stomach because I couldn’t take him outside. Could you do something?”

    Officer: “That guy? He did WHAT? Okay, I’m going to talk to him right now.”

    Me: *to nurse* “He’ll take care of it.”

    Nurse: “How do you know?”

    Me: “Believe me, I know.”

    (The officer arrives and begins speaking to the patient. Meanwhile, the nurse and I slink outside to hear the conversation.)

    Officer: “Sir, I understand you’ve been harassing the staff. A clerk reported that you assaulted her because she could not wheel you around. Now let me explain something to you. That clerk was on her break and did not have to wheel you outside. She did it because she is kind. You can wheel yourself, so you shouldn’t have asked her to begin with. Also, she is not only far smaller than you, but she is also obviously pregnant. It was incredibly selfish of you to ask her to do that, when you could probably tell from the beginning she couldn’t do it. And when you realized she couldn’t do it, you could have asked someone else. You had no right to assault her. You not only hit a woman, but you hit the woman who happens to be my wife and is carrying our first child, so if she or our baby suffers any damage because you thought it was okay to slap a pregnant woman in the stomach, I will personally make sure you pay for your actions in every way possible. Do you understand?”

    (The patient gives a thoroughly terrified nod, and wheels himself away as fast as he can. That patient never gave me any trouble again. I love my husband!)

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 5
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 4
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    She Has An Anachronic Case

    | New Zealand | Health & Body, History, Top

    (My mother is a schoolteacher. To celebrate the end of school, she and the other teachers have a party, of which the theme is anachronisms. My mother wears, among other things, a Greek toga and a top hat. During the party, she hurts her leg and phones me to help her get to the hospital. We finally get to see a doctor at two o’clock in the morning.)

    Doctor: “So, er… What’s the problem?”

    Mum: “I hurt my leg during a party.”

    (She shows him where it hurts, and the doctor feels around for a while.)

    Doctor: “How exactly did you do this?”

    Mum: “Well, the music came on, and I was so excited to start dancing that I jumped up, and suddenly my muscle went pop!”

    Doctor: “This is probably the most interesting accident we’ve had for a while. Will you take off your socks, please, so I can see better?”

    (My mother pulls them off to reveal her blackened toes, which she had coloured in before the party.)

    Doctor: “What’s that?”

    Mum: “Oh, don’t mind that. It’s just the bubonic plague.”

    (Later, as I am sitting in the waiting room while my mum has her leg bandaged, I hear the doctor saying she’d made his night!)

    Making A Spectacles Of One Self

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I am working in the emergency department. I am tending to an elderly woman who is accompanied by her middle-aged daughter. The woman’s daughter has just sent a text.)

    Daughter: “Well, I hope he can read what I typed, because I can’t see anything without my glasses.”

    Mother: “You do know that you have a pair of glasses on your head, don’t you?”

    (A look of embarrassment crosses the woman’s face, and her mother bursts out laughing hysterically. I smile and turn to the mother.)

    Me: “It’s nice when someone else does that for a change, isn’t it?”

    (The mother has a big smile on her face.)

    Mother: “Yes, it is!”

    Why Nurses Need Hazard Pay

    | IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body

    (I’m a senior nurse. A patient has been caught leaving her room to go to her car and smoke. After repeated warnings on numerous occasions, her doctor finally draws the line.)

    Doctor: “If she’s well enough to go and smoke, I think she’s well enough to be discharged.”

    (The patient is enraged at this, and starts yelling.)

    Patient: “I need my cigarettes! You’re discriminating against me!”

    (She finally leaves. I get called by another nurse to her former room several minutes later.)

    Nurse: “You have to see this.”

    (The patient’s room is completely smeared with feces; on the bed, in the bathroom sink, all over the walls. There’s even a pile just inside the door that we almost step on.)

    Me: “What kind of person does something like this?! It’s not human!”

    Nurse: “If you’re that upset about not getting your nicotine, something is wrong with you!”

    Related:
    Why Tech Support Needs Hazard Pay

    Emerging Non Emergencies Reaching Emergency Levels

    | AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I work at the check-in counter for the ER. A patient comes in, dragging her very embarrassed teenage daughter behind her.)

    Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I’m bringing in my daughter.”

    Me: “And what brings you to the emergency room today, ma’am?”

    Patient: “My daughter.”

    Me: “I see. What is wrong with your daughter that brings you in tonight?”

    Patient: “Her monthly is irregular.”

    Me: “So, you want to bring her to the emergency room for irregular periods?”

    Patient: “Duh!”

    Me: “Have you taken her to her family doctor?”

    Patient: “No!”

    (As we’re not legally allowed to turn away any patient, I begin the registration.)

    Patient: “And me, too.”

    Me: “You want to check yourself in, too, for irregular periods?”

    Patient: “No! God!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What are we checking you in for?”

    Patient: “Can’t you see it?!”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Patient: “My face!”

    (She shoves her face up close to mine.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but you’ll need to be a little more specific.”

    Patient: “I got ‘the zits’!”

    (Her face looks fine. I see one blemish that doesn’t even look like a zit.)

    Me: “So, you came to the… emergency room… for adult acne?”

    Patient: “YES! God, what are you, stupid?”

    Me: “And have you seen your doctor about this?”

    Patient: “No! This is my doctor!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is the emergency room. We treat emergencies. We are not your regular doctor.”

    Patient: “Yes, you are. FIX IT!”


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