(I work as a patient coordinator in an outpatient clinic. In our waiting room, we have a coffee machine that has three options on it: mild, regular, and bold. To use it, one simply opens up the compartment and places a single packet on the tray.)

Coworker: “There’s coffee everywhere in the waiting room!”

(I go to check it out. There is coffee all in the general area, on a patient, who is unhurt, and all of her papers. I ask the patient what happened)

Patient: “Your coffee machine is terrible; that’s what happened! Your coffee is so weak and I tried to make it stronger! Then, it shot coffee everywhere!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that! Let me see what I can do.”

(I open the coffee machine to see that the patient has shoved two coffee packets in the compartment, which clearly is supposed to take one. It’s a wonder the machine didn’t break.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you place two coffee packets in the compartment?”

Patient: “Of course! How else can I make it stronger?”

Me: *noticing the “Mild” option is selected* “Next time, please press the button that says ‘Bold’.”

Related:
Brawn Over Brains

(I am an Asian American girl without any accent. I’m working the information desk in a busy, urban hospital setting. An older, kindly woman approaches my desk.)

Woman: *in a perfect Irish brogue* “I just wanted to ask you a question.”

Me: “Sure. What can I help you with?”

Woman: “Are you American?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Woman: *smiles kindly* “No, you’re not.” *walks away*

(I work as a nurse in hospital in Illinois. Keep in mind where quite busy at the moment. A woman rushes up to me dragging a preteen girl behind her.)

Woman: “Help! Please help! My daughter needs a vaccine!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I need to know what the vaccine is for. Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No! I don’t have any appointment! My daughter has a fever!”

Daughter: “Mom! I don’t have a fever!”

Woman: *still looking at me* “Her aunt told me she has it! The Heever Fever!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you trying to say ‘Bieber Fever’?”

Woman: “Yes! That!”

Daughter: “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!”

(I am a nurse sitting with a mother whose son passed out during school. I am asking her some questions while he is examined.)

Me: “Has he complained of any discomfort or anything strange such as headaches, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, chest pains, muscle aches, difficulty breathing?”

Mother: “Well, he was complaining that his chest hurt. He’s also been breathing heavily lately and coughing a lot.”

Me: “When did this start?”

Mother: “Oh, I don’t know…five or six days ago?”

Me: “Your son has been complaining of chest pains and difficulty breathing for almost a week? Why didn’t you take him to the doctor?”

Mother: “I thought he was just trying to get attention. You know kids–they always want attention!”

(I am a female nurse in a clinic and I share my shift with a rather handsome male nurse. On this particular day, a middle-aged regular patient comes in.)

Patient: “Hi, I’m here for my breast examination.”

Me: “Great, just follow me inside the examination room for your test.”

Patient: “Are you going to perform the test?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Patient: “Oh, I was hoping that the other nurse would do it.”

Me: “Well, I could ask him if you want me to.”

Patient: “Yeah, do that. Tell him I’m looking forward to it!”

Me: “Uh, okay! But I really think that you’ll be more comfortable if–”

Patient: “Let him touch me!”