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    Can’t Hear You Over Your Colon

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I’m in the waiting room of the endoscopy center, waiting for my grandma to come out from her colonoscopy. A nurse opens the door and reads aloud from a chart.)

    Nurse: “Theodore?”

    Old Man: “Yes?”

    Nurse: “Okay, so you’re Theodore?”

    Old Man: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Nurse: “And you’re here for a colonoscopy today, correct?”

    Old Man: “What?!”

    Nurse: “A… colonoscopy?”

    Old Man: “NO! My WIFE is!”

    Nurse: “Oh. You’re not Theodore?”

    Old Man: “You said PETER, so I answered you!”

    Nurse: “… Okay, then. Is Theodore here?”

    (An old man walks from the back of the waiting room.)

    Theodore: “I’m sorry. I heard him answer, so I assumed another Theodore was ahead of me.”

    Peter: “Well, I know one thing. I am not deaf, and she definitely said Peter first.”

    Theodore: “Well, I am deaf, and she said Theodore. You may need your hearing checked, sir.”

    Going To Great Pains

    | NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a nurse for outpatient procedures. A patient has come in for a not-very-painful procedure, and has already received all of the drugs that we can safely give her for pain. This amount would have had a normal person sleeping by now.)

    Patient: *screaming like she’s being tortured*

    Me: “Oh, sweetheart, I know this is hard.”

    (I put my hand in hers.)

    Me: “Here. Try and breathe, and squeeze my hand.”

    (She throws my hand away from her.)

    Patient: “I don’t want your f****** hand. I WANT MY GODD*** DRUGS!”

    Mind-Blowing Ignorance

    | WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I am an ER nurse. During the late morning, a man comes in with his son, who has a concussion. The policy is that a concussion patient isn’t allowed to sleep at all. The nurses and staff make sure the boy stays awake and notice that he keeps nodding off a little too easily.)

    Me: “Excuse me, but why is your son so tired?”

    Father: “Oh, he got his concussion in the wee hours of the morning and I just knew that he couldn’t fall asleep. So he’s been awake since then.”

    Me: “Why didn’t you bring him in here right away?”

    Father: “I didn’t know if you’d be open that early.”

    Me: “This is the ER! We’re always open!”

    A Hearty Breakfast

    | Stuart, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Ms. [Name], I need to take your vital signs. Your heart monitor is alarming.”

    Patient: “Do you ALWAYS interrupt people when they are eating their breakfast?!”

    Me: “Yes. This is a hospital, not a hotel. The vitals are more important right now than your breakfast.”

    The Lawsuit Has A Ghost Of A Chance

    | OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m just coming on shift in the emergency room. A patient approaches my desk, then leans over and glares down at me.)

    Patient: “I just want you to know that if I go home and die because of your substandard care that I’m going to sue you and never forgive the hospital.”

    (The patient doesn’t give me any chance to say anything before he walks out the door.)

    Coworker: “I wonder how many lawyers take on angry ghosts as clients?”

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