An Inconvenient List of Truths

| Brunswick, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*

The Price For Solitude

| Paris, France | Uncategorized

Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms – why do you give those to other patients?”

Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

(I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

Flattery, The Best Medicine

| Germany | Uncategorized

(An elderly lady fell down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-Ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… well I can’t fool you, you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So everytime your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

| Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 a day and drink 2 cartons beer a week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger!¬†If I keep drinking AND smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea…”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

| Livonia, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

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