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    From Parallel To Perpendicular

    | Jackson, MI, USA |

    (In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

    Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

    Mr. ***: “Alright.”

    (I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can.¬†We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

    Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

    (Everyone laughs harder.)

    Me: “What is going on??”

    (My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

    Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

    Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!” ¬†

    Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

    Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep!¬†YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

    Playing Doctor

    | Joplin, MO, USA |

    Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

    (I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

    Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

    Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

    The Problem With Blank Checks

    | Joplin, MO, USA |

    (Takes place over phone.)

    Me: “Nutrition, this is–”

    Patient: “Yeah, I don’t want beef stew. I want something different. My nurse said I’m on a regular diet and can have anything I want.”

    Me: “Alright, do you know what you would like?”

    Patient: “I want two Pepsis; chicken strips with ranch, and honey mustard; a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon bits; another apple crisp, but I want you guys to heat it up and serve it with ice cream; and a Caesar salad.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the only things on your list that we have tonight are the baked potatoes and apple crisp. We also have–”

    Patient: “THEY SAID I COULD HAVE ANYTHING!”

    Me: “That we have in the kitchen!”

    Patient: “Oh.”

    Proof That God Is A Chinese Lady

    , | New Jersey, USA | Top

    Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

    Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there, they’ll arrest me!”

    State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

    Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

    Me: “Well you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

    Patient: “NO! The Chinese Lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

    Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

    Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

    (We get to the hospital.)

    Me, to my partner: “Oh my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

    Patient, as we walk away: “STAY AWAY!”

    A Strong Case for Reproductive Licensing

    | Arizona | Top

    (I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)

    Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”

    Patient: “No?”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Patient: “Yes!”

    Me: “Are you sexually active?”

    Patient: “Yes!”

    Me: “Do you still have periods?”

    Patient: “Yes!”

    Me: “Are you on birth control?”

    Patient: “No.”

    Me: “Do you use condoms?”

    Patient: “No.”

    Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”

    Patient: “No.”

    Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

    Patient: “No.”

    Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

    Patient: “No.”

    Source


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