October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

We Want Your Braaaiiins

| San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

Less Twilight, More Daylight

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that c**p!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay…but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

Oh, You Slay Me

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Every other customer who overheard: “…”

Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

| Midwest USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

Me: “Sure.”

Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

Me: “…to build muscle?”

Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

The Patient Finally Runs Out Of Patience

| Iowa, USA | Top

(I am a phlebotomist and go around drawing blood at the hospital all day. I am drawing blood on the rehab floor where patients are generally doing well. I start to draw one patient’s blood when his wife runs into the room.)

Patient’s wife: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

Me: “I’m from the lab and I’m just getting some blood.”

Patient’s wife: “What?! Why?! What is wrong with my husband?!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is all pretty routine blood work.”

(Hearing the commotion, the nurse runs in.)

Nurse: “Ma’am, the insurance company asked we get this blood work since it has been awhile. I assure you nothing is wrong.”

Patient’s wife: “No, you’re lying! My husband is dying and no one will tell me why!”

(Suddenly, the patient himself speaks up.)

Patient, to wife: “D*** it! Sometimes I wish you were dying!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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