November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Miss Diagnosis

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

(The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

Laziness Has Its Advantages

| Langhorne, PA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?”

Visitor: “I’d like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?”

Me: “Sure. There are feedback forms right–”

Visitor: “[Patient]’s room is too far away! I’ve had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don’t want to do any more walking!”

Me: “Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there.” *I point to desk a few feet away*

Visitor: “No, no, no! Forget it! If they’re too far away I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna walk that far! Goodbye!” *walks out of the hospital*

Act Blustery, Get Flustered

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m 15 and work at the hospital gift shop. An RN comes to my register with three sets of wind chimes.)

Me: “Will that be all for you today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $50 even.”

Customer: “You didn’t give me my discount.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I’m new at this. Let me just void this transaction and start over.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(For some reason, the cash register, which is older than my 15-year-old-self, won’t allow me to void the transaction. I keep trying for around a minute.)

Customer: “What the h*** is taking so long?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m having some trouble with the register.”

Customer: “Well, hurry it up, will you? I have a patient I need to get back to!”

(The line behind her is getting large and I’m getting very close to tears. Suddenly, another customer chimes in.)

Customer behind her: “If you’ve got a patient, what the h*** are you doing buying wind chimes?”

Customer: *gets flustered and leaves both her wind chimes and credit card behind*

We Want Your Braaaiiins

| San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

Less Twilight, More Daylight

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that c**p!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay…but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*