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    Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

    | Livonia, MI, USA |

    Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

    Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

    Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

    Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

    Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

    Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

    Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

    Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

    Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

    Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

    Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

    Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

    Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

    AARP Membership Comes With A Few Hidden Perks

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    (I was trying to put a dressing on the arm of a VERY confused but cute elderly man.)

    Me: “Just hold your arm out so I can wrap this around it.”

    Elderly patient: *reaches out his arm and grabs my right breast*

    Me: “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Elderly patient: “But I like it…”

    Me: *laughs

    Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project

    | Michigan, MI, USA |

    (I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

    Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

    Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

    (The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

    Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

    Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

    Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

    Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

    Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

    (The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

    Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

    From Parallel To Perpendicular

    | Jackson, MI, USA |

    (In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

    Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

    Mr. ***: “Alright.”

    (I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can.¬†We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

    Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

    (Everyone laughs harder.)

    Me: “What is going on??”

    (My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

    Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

    Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!” ¬†

    Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

    Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep!¬†YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

    Playing Doctor

    | Joplin, MO, USA |

    Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

    (I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

    Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

    Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

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