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    Acute Mental Failure

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Note: At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)

    Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”

    (The patient enters room and I close the door.)

    Me: “So, how are you?”

    Patient: “…”

    (There are 2 large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)

    Me:“Uh…everything ok?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Well, uh, so…what procedure are you having today?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”

    Patient: “…”

    (The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)

    Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”

    Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”

    (She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)

    Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”

    (The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)

    Security: “They really should start paying you more.”

    An Inconvenient List of Truths

    | Brunswick, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

    Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

    Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*

    The Price For Solitude

    | Paris, France |

    Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

    Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms – why do you give those to other patients?”

    Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

    (I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

    Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

    Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

    Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

    Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

    Flattery, The Best Medicine

    | Germany |

    (An elderly lady fell down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-Ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

    Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

    Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

    Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

    Patient: “But it worked last time!”

    Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

    Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

    Coworker: “I see… well I can’t fool you, you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So everytime your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

    Patient: “Never ever?”

    Coworker: “Never ever again…”

    Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

    Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

    Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

    Coworker: “Gladly.”

    Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

    Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

    Man: “But I’m only 50-something and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

    Me: “You smoke 30 a day and drink 2 cartons beer a week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

    Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger!¬†If I keep drinking AND smoking, I’ll be fine!”

    Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

    Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

    Me: “That’s really not a good idea…”

    Man: “What would you know?!”

    Me: *gives up*

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