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    The Price For Solitude

    | Paris, France |

    Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

    Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms – why do you give those to other patients?”

    Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

    (I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

    Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

    Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

    Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

    Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

    Flattery, The Best Medicine

    | Germany |

    (An elderly lady fell down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-Ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

    Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

    Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

    Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

    Patient: “But it worked last time!”

    Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

    Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

    Coworker: “I see… well I can’t fool you, you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So everytime your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

    Patient: “Never ever?”

    Coworker: “Never ever again…”

    Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

    Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

    Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

    Coworker: “Gladly.”

    Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

    Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

    Man: “But I’m only 50-something and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

    Me: “You smoke 30 a day and drink 2 cartons beer a week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

    Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger!¬†If I keep drinking AND smoking, I’ll be fine!”

    Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

    Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

    Me: “That’s really not a good idea…”

    Man: “What would you know?!”

    Me: *gives up*

    Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

    | Livonia, MI, USA |

    Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

    Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

    Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

    Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

    Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

    Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

    Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

    Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

    Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

    Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

    Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

    Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

    Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

    AARP Membership Comes With A Few Hidden Perks

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    (I was trying to put a dressing on the arm of a VERY confused but cute elderly man.)

    Me: “Just hold your arm out so I can wrap this around it.”

    Elderly patient: *reaches out his arm and grabs my right breast*

    Me: “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Elderly patient: “But I like it…”

    Me: *laughs


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