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    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

    Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

    Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

    Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

    Caller: “Well who cares about that c**p!”

    Me: “People who need surgery?”

    Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

    Me: “Okay…but you still have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

    Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

    Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

    Me: “No, they just need–”

    Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

    Me: “Well, no–”

    Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

    Oh, You Slay Me

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

    Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

    Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

    Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

    Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

    Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

    Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

    Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Every other customer who overheard: “…”

    Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

    The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

    | Midwest USA |

    (I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

    Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

    Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

    Me: “…to build muscle?”

    Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

    The Patient Finally Runs Out Of Patience

    | Iowa, USA | Top

    (I am a phlebotomist and go around drawing blood at the hospital all day. I am drawing blood on the rehab floor where patients are generally doing well. I start to draw one patient’s blood when his wife runs into the room.)

    Patient’s wife: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

    Me: “I’m from the lab and I’m just getting some blood.”

    Patient’s wife: “What?! Why?! What is wrong with my husband?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is all pretty routine blood work.”

    (Hearing the commotion, the nurse runs in.)

    Nurse: “Ma’am, the insurance company asked we get this blood work since it has been awhile. I assure you nothing is wrong.”

    Patient’s wife: “No, you’re lying! My husband is dying and no one will tell me why!”

    (Suddenly, the patient himself speaks up.)

    Patient, to wife: “D*** it! Sometimes I wish you were dying!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

    | Mississippi, USA |

    Me: “Okay, sir, just a few x-rays and we’ll be done.”

    Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I
    leave!”

    Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an x-ray joke.”

    Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

    Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

    Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

    Me: *gives up* “…The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

    Patient: “Oh…okay, then. Proceed…”

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