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    The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

    | Midwest USA |

    (I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

    Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

    Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

    Me: “…to build muscle?”

    Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

    The Patient Finally Runs Out Of Patience

    | Iowa, USA | Top

    (I am a phlebotomist and go around drawing blood at the hospital all day. I am drawing blood on the rehab floor where patients are generally doing well. I start to draw one patient’s blood when his wife runs into the room.)

    Patient’s wife: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

    Me: “I’m from the lab and I’m just getting some blood.”

    Patient’s wife: “What?! Why?! What is wrong with my husband?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is all pretty routine blood work.”

    (Hearing the commotion, the nurse runs in.)

    Nurse: “Ma’am, the insurance company asked we get this blood work since it has been awhile. I assure you nothing is wrong.”

    Patient’s wife: “No, you’re lying! My husband is dying and no one will tell me why!”

    (Suddenly, the patient himself speaks up.)

    Patient, to wife: “D*** it! Sometimes I wish you were dying!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

    | Mississippi, USA |

    Me: “Okay, sir, just a few x-rays and we’ll be done.”

    Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I
    leave!”

    Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an x-ray joke.”

    Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

    Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

    Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

    Me: *gives up* “…The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

    Patient: “Oh…okay, then. Proceed…”

    Acute Mental Failure

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Note: At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)

    Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”

    (The patient enters room and I close the door.)

    Me: “So, how are you?”

    Patient: “…”

    (There are 2 large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)

    Me:“Uh…everything ok?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Well, uh, so…what procedure are you having today?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”

    Patient: “…”

    (The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)

    Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”

    Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”

    (She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)

    Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”

    (The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)

    Security: “They really should start paying you more.”

    An Inconvenient List of Truths

    | Brunswick, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

    Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

    Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*


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