Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

| UK | Uncategorized

(I’m a nurse in the UK. I’m letting a family of American tourists know that their son, who has recovered from a fever, has been discharged from hospital.)

Me: “Mr & Mrs [Name], I’ve got some good news! Your son is fine and has been discharged. You can continue your holiday now!”

Father: “How much do we owe you? Do you need our insurance details?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Your son did not need any medication. There will be no bills at all.”

Father: “Free? But what about consultation fees?”

Me: “Yes, free. Consultation is covered by our national health service.”

Father: “Free, like Communism?”

Me: “Well, I guess you could say it’s sort of socialist.”

Father: “So we owe you nothing?”

Me: “Nope, not a penny.”

Father: “If I go home and cancel my health insurance, then get sick, I’ll get my medical treatment for free if I fly to the UK?!”

Me: “Not unless you have travel insurance, or live in a country we have a medical agreement with. The US health care system is private so we can’t make an agreement.”

Father: “But you just said the UK was communist! If it’s communist health care should be free!”

Me: “It is, if you’re British or from an EU state.”

Father: “Whatever. Communists!”

Not Quite Getting To Beirut Of The Matter

| Sydney, Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Uncategorized

(An elderly man, his son and a nurse stop by the hospital cafe. The man is looking at the soft drinks in the fridge.)

Man: “I want a lemonade!”

Me: “Are you allowed to have lemonade?” *to son* “Isn’t he diabetic?”

Son: “No, he’s Lebanese.”

Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday, Part 2

| Texas, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [hospital]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”

Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival’. What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”

Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child…your new baby.”

Caller: “Oh my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’, then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”

Related:
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday

Fruity Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Uncategorized

(I work front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a 5 year relationship.)

Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”

Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”

Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”

Patient: *doesn’t move*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”

Me: “I…get that a lot?”

Patient: “Are you single?”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”

Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”

Me: “Uhm…”

Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”

Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”

Patient: “What?”

Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”

Patient: “Oh…but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”

(She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)

A Wee Bit Of A Problem

| Texas USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

Me: "Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?"”

Caller: "I would like to know where people go to buy those cups."

Me: What kind of cups are you looking for, sir?"

Caller: "Sample cups."

Me: "Sample cups? Do you mean like for a urine sample?"

Caller: "Yeah! I need quite a few."

Me: "I guess you could get them at a medical supply company. Have you tried that?"

Caller: "Oh boy! Thank you, lady! You have helped me so much! See, I am looking for work and most places require a urine test. I want to have my samples all ready to go!"

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