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    Laziness Has Its Advantages

    | Langhorne, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Visitor: “I’d like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?”

    Me: “Sure. There are feedback forms right–”

    Visitor: “[Patient]‘s room is too far away! I’ve had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don’t want to do any more walking!”

    Me: “Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there.” *I point to desk a few feet away*

    Visitor: “No, no, no! Forget it! If they’re too far away I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna walk that far! Goodbye!” *walks out of the hospital*

    Act Blustery, Get Flustered

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (I’m 15 and work at the hospital gift shop. An RN comes to my register with three sets of wind chimes.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “Okay, your total is $50 even.”

    Customer: “You didn’t give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I’m new at this. Let me just void this transaction and start over.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (For some reason, the cash register, which is older than my 15-year-old-self, won’t allow me to void the transaction. I keep trying for around a minute.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is taking so long?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m having some trouble with the register.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry it up, will you? I have a patient I need to get back to!”

    (The line behind her is getting large and I’m getting very close to tears. Suddenly, another customer chimes in.)

    Customer behind her: “If you’ve got a patient, what the h*** are you doing buying wind chimes?”

    Customer: *gets flustered and leaves both her wind chimes and credit card behind*

    We Want Your Braaaiiins

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

    Subject: “So I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

    Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

    Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

    Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

    Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

    Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

    Caller: “Well who cares about that c**p!”

    Me: “People who need surgery?”

    Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

    Me: “Okay…but you still have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

    Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

    Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

    Me: “No, they just need–”

    Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

    Me: “Well, no–”

    Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

    Oh, You Slay Me

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

    Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

    Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

    Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

    Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

    Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

    Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

    Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Every other customer who overheard: “…”

    Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”


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