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    Totally Plastered

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

    Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Oh, all right.”

    (I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

    Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.”

    Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

    Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

    Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

    Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

    Miss Diagnosis

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

    Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

    Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

    Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

    Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

    (The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

    Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

    Laziness Has Its Advantages

    | Langhorne, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Visitor: “I’d like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?”

    Me: “Sure. There are feedback forms right–”

    Visitor: “[Patient]‘s room is too far away! I’ve had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don’t want to do any more walking!”

    Me: “Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there.” *I point to desk a few feet away*

    Visitor: “No, no, no! Forget it! If they’re too far away I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna walk that far! Goodbye!” *walks out of the hospital*

    Act Blustery, Get Flustered

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (I’m 15 and work at the hospital gift shop. An RN comes to my register with three sets of wind chimes.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “Okay, your total is $50 even.”

    Customer: “You didn’t give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I’m new at this. Let me just void this transaction and start over.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (For some reason, the cash register, which is older than my 15-year-old-self, won’t allow me to void the transaction. I keep trying for around a minute.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is taking so long?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m having some trouble with the register.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry it up, will you? I have a patient I need to get back to!”

    (The line behind her is getting large and I’m getting very close to tears. Suddenly, another customer chimes in.)

    Customer behind her: “If you’ve got a patient, what the h*** are you doing buying wind chimes?”

    Customer: *gets flustered and leaves both her wind chimes and credit card behind*

    We Want Your Braaaiiins

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

    Subject: “So I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

    Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

    Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

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