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    No Longer An Eye For An Eye

    | Washington DC, USA |

    (I have just found a spare eyeglass case for one of our doctors.)

    Doctor: “Thanks, what do I owe you?”

    Me: “Eh, don’t worry about it. We usually charge, but I’ve got you covered my friend.”

    Doctor: “Oh! I guess next time you need a prostate exam I’ll try and hook you up.”

    Me: “Uh, thanks?”

    Retail Therapy

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia |

    (I work at a small shop in a hospital.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Customer: “Is this the only shop here?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “And that’s the only cafe?” *points towards the cafe*

    Me: “Yep!”

    Customer: “Why aren’t there more?”

    Me: “Well, we only really need one shop and one cafe for this hospital.”

    Customer: “That’s just stupid! I don’t need beds, I need more
    shops! I’m going to complain!”

    Totally Plastered

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

    Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Oh, all right.”

    (I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

    Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.”

    Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

    Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

    Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

    Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

    Miss Diagnosis

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

    Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

    Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

    Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

    Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

    (The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

    Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

    Laziness Has Its Advantages

    | Langhorne, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Visitor: “I’d like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?”

    Me: “Sure. There are feedback forms right–”

    Visitor: “[Patient]‘s room is too far away! I’ve had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don’t want to do any more walking!”

    Me: “Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there.” *I point to desk a few feet away*

    Visitor: “No, no, no! Forget it! If they’re too far away I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna walk that far! Goodbye!” *walks out of the hospital*


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