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    Fruity Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I work front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a 5 year relationship.)

    Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”

    Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”

    Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”

    Patient: *doesn’t move*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”

    Me: “I…get that a lot?”

    Patient: “Are you single?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”

    Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”

    Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”

    Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”

    Patient: “What?”

    Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”

    Patient: “Oh…but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”

    (She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)

    A Wee Bit Of A Problem

    | Texas USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Me: "Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?"”

    Caller: "I would like to know where people go to buy those cups."

    Me: What kind of cups are you looking for, sir?"

    Caller: "Sample cups."

    Me: "Sample cups? Do you mean like for a urine sample?"

    Caller: "Yeah! I need quite a few."

    Me: "I guess you could get them at a medical supply company. Have you tried that?"

    Caller: "Oh boy! Thank you, lady! You have helped me so much! See, I am looking for work and most places require a urine test. I want to have my samples all ready to go!"

    When Just Being A Doctor Isn’t Cool Enough

    | Erie, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I work in a hospital kitchen with an adjoining cafeteria. A doctor pokes his head in the door and calls attention to himself. I stop what I’m doing to help him.)

    Doctor: “Excuse me, the coolers in the cafeteria are all turned off. Could you please turn them on?”

    Me: “Well, there’s nothing in them right now. We’re still making the food. It would be a waste of electricity to turn on an empty cooler.”

    Doctor: “But I’m a doctor.”

    Me: “I…I know that.”

    Doctor: “If you know, then why won’t you turn them on?”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t turn them on. There’s no need.”

    Doctor: *pauses* “But I’m a doctor.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Doctor: “I’m a doctor!”

    Me: “Okay, I can turn them on.”

    (I walk into the cafeteria with him and flip the switches on the empty coolers.)

    Doctor: “Thank you.”

    (He walks away empty-handed, apparently satisfied.)

    Me: “Okay then.”

    (I turn the coolers off again and go back to the kitchen.)

    Scareware Makes Us Aware

    | Perth, Australia | Health & Body, Technology, Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

    Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

    Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

    Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

    Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

    Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

    Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

    Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

    Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

    Me: “Uh.”

    Patient: “Stop judging me!”

    No Longer An Eye For An Eye

    | Washington DC, USA |

    (I have just found a spare eyeglass case for one of our doctors.)

    Doctor: “Thanks, what do I owe you?”

    Me: “Eh, don’t worry about it. We usually charge, but I’ve got you covered my friend.”

    Doctor: “Oh! I guess next time you need a prostate exam I’ll try and hook you up.”

    Me: “Uh, thanks?”

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