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    A Dead Giveaway

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I am answering the switchboard for a large hospital.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me what phone company the hospital uses?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. The person that has that information left at 5:00 p.m. But if you call our purchasing office in the morning, they can tell you.”

    Caller: “Oh, no! It is a matter of grave importance that I find out right now!”

    Me: “What is the situation? Maybe I can help?”

    Caller: “My grandmother died there about a week ago and she didn’t have a will. I know for a fact that all the phone companies record all of our conversations. So, I thought maybe grandma called someone while she was in the hospital and told them what she left me.”

    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

    | UK |

    (I’m a nurse in the UK. I’m letting a family of American tourists know that their son, who has recovered from a fever, has been discharged from hospital.)

    Me: “Mr & Mrs [Name], I’ve got some good news! Your son is fine and has been discharged. You can continue your holiday now!”

    Father: “How much do we owe you? Do you need our insurance details?”

    Me: “Oh, nothing. Your son did not need any medication. There will be no bills at all.”

    Father: “Free? But what about consultation fees?”

    Me: “Yes, free. Consultation is covered by our national health service.”

    Father: “Free, like Communism?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could say it’s sort of socialist.”

    Father: “So we owe you nothing?”

    Me: “Nope, not a penny.”

    Father: “If I go home and cancel my health insurance, then get sick, I’ll get my medical treatment for free if I fly to the UK?!”

    Me: “Not unless you have travel insurance, or live in a country we have a medical agreement with. The US health care system is private so we can’t make an agreement.”

    Father: “But you just said the UK was communist! If it’s communist health care should be free!”

    Me: “It is, if you’re British or from an EU state.”

    Father: “Whatever. Communists!”

    Not Quite Getting To Beirut Of The Matter

    | Sydney, Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (An elderly man, his son and a nurse stop by the hospital cafe. The man is looking at the soft drinks in the fridge.)

    Man: “I want a lemonade!”

    Me: “Are you allowed to have lemonade?” *to son* “Isn’t he diabetic?”

    Son: “No, he’s Lebanese.”

    Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday, Part 2

    | Texas, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hospital]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”

    Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival’. What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”

    Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child…your new baby.”

    Caller: “Oh my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’, then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”

    Related:
    Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday

    Fruity Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I work front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a 5 year relationship.)

    Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”

    Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”

    Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”

    Patient: *doesn’t move*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”

    Me: “I…get that a lot?”

    Patient: “Are you single?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”

    Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”

    Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”

    Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”

    Patient: “What?”

    Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”

    Patient: “Oh…but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”

    (She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)

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