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    The Hannibal Special

    | VT, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I work for food service at a hospital.)

    Customer: “I would like the human plate.”

    Me: *pauses a moment thinking this over* “Did you mean hummus plate?”

    Customer: “No I mean the human plate.”

    Me: “Okay…” *sent the hummus plate*

    Some Blood Is Thicker Than Others

    | MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I am a nurse. At the hospital where I work, we take care of many patients who are from small, rural towns and are lacking in education. In this situation, the patient needs a blood transfusion. I am teaching the patient and family about the process.)

    Me: “I will call the blood bank and get the blood ready to go. When I have the bag, I’ll come hook it up to her IV to infuse it. I’ll be monitoring her vital signs throughout the transfusion.”

    Family Member: “How does the blood know where to go?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

    Family Member: “The blood. What tells it where to go?”

    Me: “Well it goes into the veins, through her IV catheter.”

    Family Member: “How does it know where to go from there?”

    Me: “That’s where blood is. In your veins.”

    Family Member: “Oh! I’ve always wondered how that worked.”

    (Later, after I have received the blood, I am priming the IV tubing with saline. Saline is essentially salt water, so it is clear.)

    Family Member: “Is that the blood?”

    Me: “…No, this is just saline to prime the tubing.”

    Family Member: “Oh, good! I thought my mom was getting some new kind of white blood!”

    Me: *face palm*

    A Bad Case Of Adamantium Confusion

    | Newcastle upon Tyne, England, UK | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (My coworker goes to see a 94-year-old patient who had been confused overnight.)

    Coworker: “Good morning, Mr. [Patient]. How are you today?”

    Patient: *in a very measured voice* “Terrible, doctor. The professor saw me earlier and implicitly told me I am a wolverine. I’m afraid with this news I need to leave.”

    Coworker: “I see. You’ve been a bit poorly so should probably stay in hospital for now.”

    Patient: “Oh, but doctor, if you can guarantee I am NOT a wolverine, I’d feel ever so relieved.”

    Coworker: *poker faced* “I can guarantee you are NOT a wolverine.”

    Enough To Furrow Your Brows

    | USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I’m a transporter pushing patients to surgery. I pick up a 17-year-old boy with his family. They’re all nervous, but the boy deals with his anxiety by being rude to his parents. He starts in on the vertical creases between his dad’s eyebrows.)

    Boy: “Ha! That looks like a [crude term for female genitalia]. You’ve got a [kitty cat] on your forehead!”

    (He goes on like this for several minutes as his profanity gets worse and worse.)

    Mom: *finally* “Stop it! You’re embarrassing me and the transporter!”

    Boy: *belligerent* “Why? She’s got one!”

    (I’ve finally had enough. I lean down and tell him, loud enough for his parents to hear:)

    Me: “You keep using language like that and that’s as close to a real one as you’ll ever get.”

    (There was stunned silence from the entire family. Then the parents started cracking up.)

    Entitled And Newly Titled

    , | Mankato, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Funny Names

    (My mother and I are deciding on a gift to buy for a sick relative. I wander away so she can check out but a few minutes later she comes over to me, empty handed and confused.)

    Mother: “I was at the register about to buy it, but a woman standing next to me looked over and grabbed it out of my hands!”

    Me: “You’re kidding! Did she ask for it?”

    Mother: “No! She just grabbed it and handed it to the cashier. And the cashier rang her up!”

    Me: “Mom, there’s a phrase that my friends and I use. It makes you feel a bit better sometimes.”

    Mother: “Okay…” *keep in mind, she is an older and very mild mannered woman*

    Me: “Entitlement b****!”

    Mother: *happily and with great diction* “Entitlement b****!”

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