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(I’m a senior nurse. A patient has been caught leaving her room to go to her car and smoke. After repeated warnings on numerous occasions, her doctor finally draws the line.)
Doctor: “If she’s well enough to go and smoke, I think she’s well enough to be discharged.”
(The patient is enraged at this, and starts yelling.)
Patient: “I need my cigarettes! You’re discriminating against me!”
(She finally leaves. I get called by another nurse to her former room several minutes later.)
Nurse: “You have to see this.”
(The patient’s room is completely smeared with feces; on the bed, in the bathroom sink, all over the walls. There’s even a pile just inside the door that we almost step on.)
Me: “What kind of person does something like this?! It’s not human!”
Nurse: “If you’re that upset about not getting your nicotine, something is wrong with you!”
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(1,333 Thumbs Up!)Emerging Non Emergencies Reaching Emergency Levels
(I work at the check-in counter for the ER. A patient comes in, dragging her very embarrassed teenage daughter behind her.)
Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”
Patient: “Yeah, I’m bringing in my daughter.”
Me: “And what brings you to the emergency room today, ma’am?”
Patient: “My daughter.”
Me: “I see. What is wrong with your daughter that brings you in tonight?”
Patient: “Her monthly is irregular.”
Me: “So, you want to bring her to the emergency room for irregular periods?”
Patient: “Duh!”
Me: “Have you taken her to her family doctor?”
Patient: “No!”
(As we’re not legally allowed to turn away any patient, I begin the registration.)
Patient: “And me, too.”
Me: “You want to check yourself in, too, for irregular periods?”
Patient: “No! God!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What are we checking you in for?”
Patient: “Can’t you see it?!”
Me: “Ma’am?”
Patient: “My face!”
(She shoves her face up close to mine.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but you’ll need to be a little more specific.”
Patient: “I got ‘the zits’!”
(Her face looks fine. I see one blemish that doesn’t even look like a zit.)
Me: “So, you came to the… emergency room… for adult acne?”
Patient: “YES! God, what are you, stupid?”
Me: “And have you seen your doctor about this?”
Patient: “No! This is my doctor!”
Me: “Ma’am, this is the emergency room. We treat emergencies. We are not your regular doctor.”
Patient: “Yes, you are. FIX IT!”
(1,540 Thumbs Up!)He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth
(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)
Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”
Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”
Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”
Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”
Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”
(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)
Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”
Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”
(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)
Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”
(2,092 Thumbs Up!)Won’t Listen Until You’re Code Blue In The Face
(We’ve been extremely busy in the small ER where I work. We’re completely full with people in the waiting room when an ambulance brings in a Code Blue—someone not breathing. The x-ray tech and I are standing in the nurse’s station awaiting instructions, when a patient’s relative comes up.)
Relative: “What’s going on? Why hasn’t the doctor come in to see my son? We’ve been waiting over an hour!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, we have a Code Blue critical patient in and the doctor is busy.”
Relative: “Too busy to check on his patients? This is ridiculous! We haven’t even seen a nurse in 20 d*** minutes!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, like I said, everyone’s busy with the Code Blue and nobody is free at the moment.”
Relative: “This unacceptable! My son is in pain back there, and you don’t give a s***!”
(At this point, the nursing supervisor and the relative of a different patient walks up.)
Supervisor: “Ma’am? Can I help you?”
Relative: “My son is back there in pain and these two aren’t doing a thing about it! Just standing around! And the doctor hasn’t even been in to see him!”
Supervisor: “Well, ma’am, as these young ladies have told you multiple times, we have Code Blue that needs our attention right now.”
Relative: “What the f*** does that even mean?”
Another Patient’s Relative: “It means that someone is DYING, you idiot. Your son’s headache can wait a few minutes!”
(The first relative looked absolutely ashamed of herself and quickly retreated. The other patient’s relative later went on to buy some candy for all our staff as a thank you for working so hard.)
(1,550 Thumbs Up!)I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6
(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)
Man: “Ahem.”
(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)
Man: *louder* “Ahem!”
Me: “What?”
Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”
(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)
Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”
Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”
Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”
Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”
(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)
Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”
(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)
Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”
Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”
Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [name of store].”
Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”
(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)
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(2,030 Thumbs Up!)
Not Always Romantic
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