Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

(I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

(Takes place over phone.)

Me: “Nutrition, this is–”

Patient: “Yeah, I don’t want beef stew. I want something different. My nurse said I’m on a regular diet and can have anything I want.”

Me: “Alright, do you know what you would like?”

Patient: “I want two Pepsis; chicken strips with ranch, and honey mustard; a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon bits; another apple crisp, but I want you guys to heat it up and serve it with ice cream; and a Caesar salad.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only things on your list that we have tonight are the baked potatoes and apple crisp. We also have–”

Patient: “THEY SAID I COULD HAVE ANYTHING!”

Me: “That we have in the kitchen!”

Patient: “Oh.”

Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there, they’ll arrest me!”

State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

Me: “Well you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

Patient: “NO! The Chinese Lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

Me: “Don’t worry, we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

(We get to the hospital.)

Me, to my partner: “Oh my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

Patient, as we walk away: “STAY AWAY!”

(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)

Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”

Patient: “No?”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you sexually active?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you still have periods?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you on birth control?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Do you use condoms?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

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