Not Always Right on Facebook Not Always Right on Twitter Not Always Right Unfiltered on Tumblr
Featured Story:
  • Marriage Of The Undead
    (1,867 thumbs up)
  • November Theme Of The Month: I Don't Work Here!
    Submit your story today!

    You’ve Got A Bad Doodad

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [security company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my keypad keeps beeping! It won’t stop. Why is it doing that?!”

    Me: “It’s probably trying to tell you there’s something going on with the system. Press the status button for me.”

    (The caller pushes the button, and it announces the issue. Her front door has a low battery in it.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am. It appears that your front door has a low battery.”

    Caller: “But what does that mean?! I don’t understand!”

    Me: “It means that the battery in the sensor on your door needs a new battery in it.”

    Caller: “I don’t get it. I’m not that technically inclined! You need to explain things better!”

    (This goes on for several minutes. I explain what the sensor is, what the problem is, and describe the battery. The customer is continually saying she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Finally we reach an understanding.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you see the little thingy that’s stuck on your door? Inside is a little doo-dad that they sell at the store, and you need a new one. Open up the thingy and take out the doo-dad. Go to the store, give it to the clerk and he’ll get you a new doo-dad to put in the thingy.”

    Caller: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?”

    An Alarming Turn Of Events

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

    Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

    (I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about 10 minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

    Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

    Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

    Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

    Pray None Of Her Patients Read This

    | Mobile, AL, USA |

    (I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

    Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

    Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

    Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

    Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

    Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

    Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

    Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”

    Lack Of Common Sense Can Get you Fired

    | New Zealand |

    (We monitor intruder and fire/smoke alarms. After activation, all fire/smoke alarms need to be manually restored by a user code.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] from [company] calling. Am I speaking with [contact name]?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “We had a smoke alarm activation earlier today, and as per the instructions on your file we advised the fire service to attend. They found nothing wrong, but I’m calling to advise you that the smoke alarm needs to be reset.”

    Customer: “You had a smoke alarm?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Customer: “And you sent the fire service?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Customer: “What the h*** did you do that for?”

    Me: “Because those are the instructions we have on file, sir.”

    Customer: “You should have sent a patrol! This is ridiculous!”

    (Note that standard patrol response time is around 45mins, depending on various factors including traffic.)

    Me: “Sir, if there was a confirmed fire on site, there wouldn’t be much a patrol could do.”

    Customer: “They could have called the fire service!”