In my defence, this has been a long day full of very stupid questions, and I am at the end of my customer service tether.

Customer: “Where is the 0.5mm plastic?”

Me: “It is located in Wall Coverings.”

Customer: “What department is this?”

Me: “Floor Coverings.”

Customer: “There’s a difference?”

Me: “Only in houses based on Euclidian geometry.”

Customer: “In what now?”

Me: “Let me take you to Wall Coverings, sir.”

I am managing a team of contractors who have been hired to redo the paving for a driveway. The client is a woman who owns a large house in a remote and rural area. The existing driveway is old and not fit for purpose and was dug up by another contractor, but for reasons unknown to me at the time they couldn’t finish it.

We take on the job and we’re setting up on the first day. The driveway is just a muddy hill at this point, so no one can park on it and we’re taking up space in a lawn area by the street (the client owns the land).

The client comes out as we are setting up and I am going through what we intend to achieve today.

Me: “Oh, and one other thing, is there a particular toilet you would like the guys to use?”

Client: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, for then the guys need to… you know… go.”

Client: “None! I don’t want any of you lot inside my house!”

Me: “Madam, you would have been told when booking us that we do not provide our own on-site toilet facilities at the budget you agreed.”

Client: “Yes, that’s right! I’m not going to pay extra for you all to p*ss and s***!”

Me: “Madam, clients that do not pay the rate that provides on-site toilets usually do so because they provide those facilities themselves.”

Client: “Not me! If I see any of you lot even look the wrong way through my windows, I’ll complain!”

I am beginning to see why the last contractors bailed. I call up my boss (the owner of the company) and relay the situation. I am told what to do and I relay this information to the client.

Me: “Madam, I am afraid we will not be able to finish this job for you. We are not legally allowed to work without access to toilet facilities. We will pack up now, and you will be refunded minus your deposit.”

Client: “What?! No! I paid for you to do my driveway! I can’t use it and I need it!”

Me: “And our men need to, as you so eloquently put it, p*ss and s***. Goodbye! Good luck finding another contractor.”

Client: “Please! Come back!”

Me: “Will you be willing to pay the rate for the hire of the external toilet facilities?”

Client: “Of course not!”

Me: “Therefore will we be able to use your toilets?”

I look up at the huge house that must contain quite a few of them.

Client: “There are toilets in the pub in the village. It’s only three miles up the road and—”

Me: “Okay, bye! Looks like I get to watch the football match this afternoon after all, thanks for that!”

I watched the footy in the afternoon, with my boss, and a nice cold beer, paid for by her deposit.

I drove by her house on another job six weeks later, and the driveway was still a muddy mess, but I am sure her toilets were immaculate.

We are potty training my young son. He dislikes pooping on the toilet and would rather have a diaper. In an effort to get him excited about sitting down on the toilet, we sing a chant to him that my husband came up with.

Chant: “PUSH IT OUT, SQUEEZE IT OUT, GOOOOO, [SON]!”

He laughs and at least makes a small effort, and we are happy to have some progress.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. We’re at a home improvement store, and I have to head to the restroom right off the bat; I am about eight months pregnant and need to GO! I take my son with me since he’s not wearing a diaper and it’s one of the first times we’ve gone out without one.

It’s a Saturday, and the restroom is pretty full, so we duck into a stall, and I do the potty dance while helping him try to go. It’s my turn, and as soon as I sit down, my darling launches into his poop anthem.

Son: “PUSH IT OUT, SQUEEZE IT OUT, GOOOOO, MOMMY!”

There was silence, and then a restroom full of women started cracking up.

There wasn’t a way for me to wait out the crowd so I could sneak out, so I walked out of the stall red-faced and explaining the story behind my little cheerleader’s encouraging words.

Our company supplies and fits windows. A client calls us, screaming on the phone.

Client: “That man you sent over is incompetent!”

Me: “Our sales representative? How so, madam?”

Client: “He won’t grant my simple little request! I just need a new window in my bathroom that overlooks the back garden!”

Me: “I see. Is our representative still there?”

Client: “No I sent him away! You need to send one who actually knows what they’re doing!”

Me: “I’ll check in with our representative when he gets back, and I will call you back with an update.”

Our sales representative returns, and I ask him what happened.

Sales Rep: “Well, she was correct in that she asked for a new window in her bathroom that overlooks the back garden.”

Me: “So what was the problem?”

Sales Rep: “Did she tell you that said bathroom is at the front of the house?”

Me: “Ah, yes, she neglected to mention that part.”

It was not a fun phone call trying to get her to understand. She decided not to go with us and find someone who “knew what they were talking about.” Good luck finding house-rotators, madam!

I do picture framing. A woman brings in a canvas painting of some flowers to get framed, and when it’s all done:

Client: “You cut the tips of the petals off the flowers!”

Me: “I can assure you that we didn’t do anything to the painting, ma’am.”

Client: “No! I remember there being tips to the petals!

I take the whole thing apart, show her where the unpainted raw edges of the canvas are, and spend some time trying to explain to her that the tips of the flowers never existed because the artist never painted them, and therefore we couldn’t possibly have cut them off.

Client: “Well then, put it on a bigger frame so that I can see the tips again!”

Instead of arguing, I just stretched it on a frame that was a quarter-inch bigger all around so the edges of the painting could be seen, and that seemed to make her happy.