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    A Case Of Late Onset Dissatisfaction

    | Michigan, USA | At The Checkout

    (I’m working at the returns desk. A customer enters with a 5-gallon bucket of deck stain and sets it on the counter with ease. This tips me off because these buckets weigh about 50lbs when full.)

    Me: “Hello. Did you have a problem with the stain?”

    Customer: “No, it just wasn’t the right color. I didn’t like it at all.”

    (I open the bucket and notice its 3/4 of the way used.)

    Me: “And you decided not to stop after the second coat?”

    Customer: *blank stare of guilt*

    Missing The Y In DIY

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I work at the returns desk of a big-box home-improvement store. A customer is bringing back a pesticide/weed killer sprayer.)

    Me: “Hello, did you have a problem with the sprayer?”

    Customer: “Yes! It won’t work. It keeps clogging up. This is the second sprayer I’ve brought in, and I haven’t even finished my deck!”

    Me: “What type of spray are you using in the sprayer?”

    Customer: “I’m using the deck stain listed on the receipt there.”

    Me: “There’s your problem: this sprayer won’t work for deck stain.”

    Customer: “What?! What do you mean?! That’s not what I was told! I was told this would work just fine!”

    Me: “Who told you that it was okay to use a pesticide sprayer for deck stain?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know his name, but he looks…um…he works here, okay?”

    (I start the returns process on the register I’m at.)

    Customer: “So, what would you recommend to stain my deck?”

    Me: “I’d go right over to aisle 5 and look at the paint sprayers.”

    Customer: “But those are so expensive! I can’t afford one of those.”

    Me: “Well, you could always buy a brush and do it the old-fashioned way.”

    Customer: “But that’s work!”

    Equal Opportunity Confusion

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Bigotry

    (I am a female employee at a popular home improvement retailer, where I get a lot of sexist comments. A male customer nearby looks confused.)

    Me: “Sir, is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m going to say yes, because I don’t discriminate.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Lost In No Translation, Part 3

    | USA | Language & Words

    (I work in a large home improvement store and I’m the only female in the department. A customer pulls up on his motorcycle and parks it on the sidewalk outside the door, then staggers inside, making a beeline to me despite all the other sales people.)

    Customer: *in a loud drunken slur* “Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your nipples. Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: *getting louder* “Where do you keep your nipples?! The titties you mash to start your engine!”

    Me: “Oh, the fuel bulbs are kept over here.”

    (The customer purchases them and leaves. The other associates actually gave me applause for the diplomatic interpretation of his drunken demands.)

    Related:
    Lost In No Translation, Part 2
    Lost In No Translation

    Not A Measure Of Intelligence

    | New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am helping a customer load some insulation. We were unsure if it would fit. This occurs after it did, in fact, fit.)

    Customer: “The insulation fit by like that much huh?”

    (The customer holds out hands gesturing about a foot in length.)

    Me: “Yeah, I guess so!”

    Customer: “Wanna know how I knew it would fit?”

    Me: “How?”

    Customer: “Because that’s the size of my c–”

    Me: “OKAY! Have a good day!”

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