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    Lost In No Translation, Part 3

    | USA | Language & Words

    (I work in a large home improvement store and I’m the only female in the department. A customer pulls up on his motorcycle and parks it on the sidewalk outside the door, then staggers inside, making a beeline to me despite all the other sales people.)

    Customer: *in a loud drunken slur* “Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your nipples. Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: *getting louder* “Where do you keep your nipples?! The titties you mash to start your engine!”

    Me: “Oh, the fuel bulbs are kept over here.”

    (The customer purchases them and leaves. The other associates actually gave me applause for the diplomatic interpretation of his drunken demands.)

    Related:
    Lost In No Translation, Part 2
    Lost In No Translation

    Not A Measure Of Intelligence

    | New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am helping a customer load some insulation. We were unsure if it would fit. This occurs after it did, in fact, fit.)

    Customer: “The insulation fit by like that much huh?”

    (The customer holds out hands gesturing about a foot in length.)

    Me: “Yeah, I guess so!”

    Customer: “Wanna know how I knew it would fit?”

    Me: “How?”

    Customer: “Because that’s the size of my c–”

    Me: “OKAY! Have a good day!”

    A Tanner Darkly

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body

    (An elderly man comes to my till. He is obviously tanning a lot, which is something I don’t do because I’m East Indian.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you?”

    Customer: “Great, thanks.”

    Me: “That’s good, and you found everything okay?”

    Customer: “Yes, I found everything okay!”

    Me: *giggles* “Wow, sir, if you don’t mind my saying…you’re even darker than I am!”

    Customer: *chuckles* “Well, I try to tan every moment I get!”

    Me: “Ha! Well, whenever I go in the sun, I always wear 60 SPF.”

    Customer: “I never wear that sunscreen garbage. Never have, and never will. It causes cancer, you know? Too much of that sunscreen stuff!”

    Me: “Okay…well, have a good day. Enjoy the sunshine!”

    Customer: “I will! You do the same, darlin’. You’re lookin’ a little pale!”

    Live Wires Are Stupid Magnets

    | Wilmington, NC, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have these wires that are red, black, and white, coming out of my drywall in my garage. I touched them and they did not appear live. I need to do something with them so I can patch the wall.”

    Me: “Okay, we can get some caps for you and some electrical tape. Just cap each one individually and wrap them individually with the tape and
    you can tuck them back into the wall without any issues.”

    Customer: “Should I test them to see if they are live? Should I touch them to my tongue?”

    Me: “No!”

    How To Fleece Customers

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    Customer: “There are lots of different kinds of quilt fibres. Which kind is best?”

    Me: “Well, generally natural fibres are best. Wool is particularly good. It’s warm in winter and cool in summer. Plus, wool is fire resistant.”

    Customer: “Well, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a sheep on fire.”


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