(A customer is running around the perennial section like a maniac.)

Me: “Is everything okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “The bees!  They’re chasing me!”

Me: “They really won’t bother you, ma’am. They’re too interested in the flowers to pay much attention to you.”

Customer: “That’s easy for you to say! The bees KNOW you!”

(I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)

Customer: "You people really have a problem out here!"

Me: "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the issue?"

Customer: "You have trees blowing over all over the place!"

Me: "I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but mother nature is winning."

Customer: "Screw your mother nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong anyway!"

Customer: “I need to return this paint.  It’s the wrong color.”

Me: “What color did you need?”

Customer: “I needed white. This is blanco.”

Me: “Sir, this is a gallon of white paint. ‘Blanco’ is white in Spanish.”

Customer: “I don’t need Spanish white.”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “What is a pebble?”

Me: “Well, it’s a very small rock…generally smooth.”

Customer: “Fine, where do you sell pebbles?”

Me: “Right at the back of the garden section, sir.”

Customer: “Are your pebbles heat-resistant?”

Me: “I’m not sure, but I could call one of our garden specialists to help you.”

Customer: “Never mind! I need heat resistant rocks!” (He shows me a rock.) “Is this rock limestone? Limestone is heat resistant.”

Me: “I can’t tell if it’s limestone just from looking, but limestone has a lot of calcium in it, so if you dip it in vinegar and fizzes up, it’s probably limestone.”

Customer: “Forget it! You are worthless! I’ll just stick this in the microwave and see if it’s heat resistant!”

(He storms off. He came back the next day…for a new microwave.)

Customer: “I need your assistance with these lights here. Do I just plug these into the dirt?”

Me: “They’re solar powered, so you stick them into your lawn and they’ll charge during the day so they can shine during the evening. Right now they’re on clearance for $14.98.”

Customer: “How many batteries will I have to buy? I always get things like this on sale and then you trick me because I have to buy batteries.”

Me: “They’re solar powered.”

Customer: “I just want to know how many batteries I need.”

Me: “Well these particular lights only need one battery. It’s big and yellow and floats in the sky. It’s called the Sun.”

Customer: “Never mind, then. That sounds awfully expensive.”