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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Dumbing On Empty

    | New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I am a cashier at a popular home improvement store, and on this particular day I am working refunds. A customer comes into the store pushing in a new ride-on lawn mower.)

    Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Your incompetent associates sold me this tractor, and it doesn’t even work! I demand a refund?”

    Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your receipt?”

    Customer: “I don’t have my receipt, but I bought it yesterday. All I want to do is get another, and I need it NOW!”

    Me: “Well, I need to call an associate from the department to see what is wrong with the tractor. Maybe it can easily be fixed.”

    (I phone a season associate and he comes over to look at the tractor. He proceeds to ask the customer what is wrong with it.)

    Customer: “I spent thousands of dollars on this. You…” *points to seasonal associate* “…sold me this piece of s***! I turned the key and it doesn’t even turn on!”

    Other Associate: “Sir, there’s no gas in it.”

    Customer: “Of course there’s no gas in it! Give me a working one NOW!”

    Other Associate: “It needs gas to run. You know, like a car.”

    (The customer angrily argues that gas will not fix the problem and refuses to listen. My fellow associate takes it outside, puts gas in it and it starts right away. The other associate walks in alone and the customer drives off with his working tractor.)

    Me: “Is it going to be that kind of day?”

    Other Associate: “Yep, I think so. Put gas in it and it’s working just fine. Guy was too embarrassed to come in and apologize!”

    Of Closed Minds And Opened Doors

    | Richfield, MN, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am walking a customer out to her car so I can help her load the mulch she has purchased. She tries unsuccessfully to use her key fob to open the trunk.)

    Customer: “It’s not working! Oh my god, what am I going to do? I can’t get into my car!” *starts tearing up*

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay! Just use the key to open the door.”

    Customer: “It won’t open the door! It only starts the car. What are you, stupid?”

    (We go through this a couple more times before she caves in.)

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll try it your way!”

    (As expected, the door opens with key.)

    Customer: *condescending* “Well, how am I supposed to know that the key opens the door?!”

    Beware The Old Prune That Prunes

    | Somerset, UKSomerset, UK | Bizarre

    (An elderly lady comes in and tells me she wants to look at flooring. As I’m under strict orders not to leave the tills, I direct her to the flooring while I get a coworker from that department. She walks away and comes back a few minutes later, and we begin to chat idly while waiting for help.)

    Customer: “What’s your name?”

    Me: *smiling and pointing at name tag* “Jasmine.”

    Customer: “Oh, I used to have some jasmines in my garden.”

    Me: “Oh that’s nice!”

    Customer: “I HATED IT! It grew like a weed. I had to chop it all down.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not good.”

    Customer: “Now, you’d better get me someone RIGHT NOW, or I’ll chop YOU down!”

    Me: “Um, someone’s on their way.”

    (A few minutes later, the coworker who went to talk to her comes up to me to borrow a tape measure for her. I tell him what she said to me.)

    Me: *to coworker* “She said she wants to chop me down like she did her jasmine plants!”

    Coworker: “You know, that’s really weird…when I first went up to her, she said ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I was going to smack her in the face in a minute!’”

    (Finally, as the customer is about to leave, she comes up to me again.)

    Customer: “Well, I’m glad you got your coworker. He was very good.”

    Me: “I’m very pleased about that!”

    Customer: *menacingly* “I’ll let you live…this time.”

    Dumb By Any Metric

    | Oklahoma, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    Customer: “What’s the difference between these two water heater gas lines?”

    Me: “One is two feet long, and one is four feet long.”

    Customer: “But what is the difference? They’re priced differently.”

    Me: “Um, one is 24 inches long, and one is 48 inches long.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand! Why should I buy one over the other?”

    Me: “Because one is only this long.” *holds arms two feet apart* “And one is this long.” *hold arms four feet apart*

    Customer: “You don’t have to be so rude!” *storms away*

    Speaking Of Rips…

    | Bella Vista, AR, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I’m in the lawn and garden section and see a lady looking at some flowers. I see her pull a flowerpot off of the rack and tear the plastic container apart. She then turns around and sees me.)

    Customer: “The packaging on this item is broken. Can I get a discount?”

    Me: *unsure of how to respond* “Let me get you my manager, ma’am.”

    (I explain the situation to my manager on the way over.)

    Customer: “The packaging on this item was broken. Can I get a discount?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, we can’t give discounts on items that you yourself have broken.”

    Customer: “What a rip-off!” *leaves store*

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