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    Wherever You Go, There You Are

    | London, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “How much is that door if the inside is white, and the outside is black?”

    Me: “$960.”

    Customer: “What if it’s black on the outside, and white on the inside?”

    (I pause. The customer stares at me expectantly.)

    Me: “$960.”

    Customer: “So it’s the exact same price if I get black on the outside and white inside, or get white on the inside and black on the outside?”

    Me: “Do you mean black on the inside, and white on the outside?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I just want to clarify to make sure I am giving you the correct information: you would like the price with black on the outside and white inside or if you decide on white on the inside and black on the outside?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “$960.”

    Customer: “What a great deal!”

    The Liquidation Of Our Education

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am a cashier at a well-known home improvement store. I’m working the closing shift in our garden register during summer, and am the only register open. We have a wide range of displays of water fountains up for customers to see them working, to decide if they want to buy one for their yard. A customer walks in and stands in front of fountains for several minutes looking at them before coming over to me.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to get a fountain for my yard, and I had a quick question. Do you know much about them?”

    Me: “Well, I’ve only been trained as a cashier but I’ll answer what I can.”

    Customer: “Great! I just wanted to know, is the water included?”

    (I can’t believe the customer is asking this question, so I joke with him.)

    Me: “No, sir. You buy the water separate.”

    Customer: “Oh, how much is it?”

    Me: “Do you have a sink at home?”

    Customer: “Yes. Why?”

    Me: “Then the water is free.”

    (The customer looks confused until he suddenly realizes what he’s asked.)

    Customer: “Oh!”

    With Customers Like These, Sales Are Guaranteed To Take Off

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Language & Words

    Me: “Hi, may I help you find something today?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah. Where do you have your ceiling propellers?”

    Me: “Do you mean ceiling fans?”

    Customer: “No, I’m looking for ceiling propellers.”

    (I assume that she is looking for ceiling fans anyway, and point her towards them.)

    Me: “Is that what you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh yes! There’s your ceiling propellers. I thought you sold them!”

    Dumbing On Empty

    | New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I am a cashier at a popular home improvement store, and on this particular day I am working refunds. A customer comes into the store pushing in a new ride-on lawn mower.)

    Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Your incompetent associates sold me this tractor, and it doesn’t even work! I demand a refund?”

    Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your receipt?”

    Customer: “I don’t have my receipt, but I bought it yesterday. All I want to do is get another, and I need it NOW!”

    Me: “Well, I need to call an associate from the department to see what is wrong with the tractor. Maybe it can easily be fixed.”

    (I phone a season associate and he comes over to look at the tractor. He proceeds to ask the customer what is wrong with it.)

    Customer: “I spent thousands of dollars on this. You…” *points to seasonal associate* “…sold me this piece of s***! I turned the key and it doesn’t even turn on!”

    Other Associate: “Sir, there’s no gas in it.”

    Customer: “Of course there’s no gas in it! Give me a working one NOW!”

    Other Associate: “It needs gas to run. You know, like a car.”

    (The customer angrily argues that gas will not fix the problem and refuses to listen. My fellow associate takes it outside, puts gas in it and it starts right away. The other associate walks in alone and the customer drives off with his working tractor.)

    Me: “Is it going to be that kind of day?”

    Other Associate: “Yep, I think so. Put gas in it and it’s working just fine. Guy was too embarrassed to come in and apologize!”

    Of Closed Minds And Opened Doors

    | Richfield, MN, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am walking a customer out to her car so I can help her load the mulch she has purchased. She tries unsuccessfully to use her key fob to open the trunk.)

    Customer: “It’s not working! Oh my god, what am I going to do? I can’t get into my car!” *starts tearing up*

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay! Just use the key to open the door.”

    Customer: “It won’t open the door! It only starts the car. What are you, stupid?”

    (We go through this a couple more times before she caves in.)

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll try it your way!”

    (As expected, the door opens with key.)

    Customer: *condescending* “Well, how am I supposed to know that the key opens the door?!”

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