I worked for a construction company. Our heating engineer was supposed to go to a property regarding fitting a new boiler, but his mother passed away. I called the customer.

Me: “[Customer], I’m afraid [Engineer] won’t be able to come fit your boiler due to a family bereavement.”

Customer: “What?! I demand to see a copy of the death certificate as proof you’re not lying to me!”

I worked at a high-end furniture store. Our standard policy on custom furniture was that customers had seventy-two hours to change or cancel; after that there were no returns or cancellations. We made customers sign on the back of the receipt.

One day, a lady called.

Customer: “I need to return a sofa that I just had delivered. It doesn’t look big enough for the space. It’s order [number].”

Of course, it was custom.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that. The register doesn’t even have the option for that.”

She went into hysterics and screamed and yelled.

Customer: “I was told I would be able to return it!”

I was staring at her signature on the return policy, but I did my best customer service voice and told her again we couldn’t do it. An hour later, we got a call from a man trying to return a sofa, and surprise, surprise, it was her husband.

The minute I told him it was custom and we couldn’t do a refund, he flipped from innocent to furious, started called me names, and asked for a manager (who told him the same thing that I had).

A week later, we got a complaint from the regional manager that we weren’t being clear on return policy because this man had FLOWN from the east coast to Chicago just to show up at our corporate office and scream at them that his sofa was too small.

I work in a home improvement store, in the appliance section. The phone rings.

Me: “[Store] Appliances, this is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I’m looking for a [Brand] gas range.”

Me: “Okay, what finish would you prefer?”

Caller: “Well, see, I was in your store and I saw a red one in front. I want that one.”

I remember that one, FROM ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO. It was on CLEARANCE.

Me: “Sir, that particular range was on clearance a long time ago. I don’t have it anymore.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you get on your little computer and see who has it?”

Me: *Feeling a headache coming on* “Sir, if you have a model number, I would be glad to look it up and find it, but just a heads-up, if it was on clearance, the probability of anyone having it are very slim.”

He hung up. I found our old poster with the model number of that range and put it in the computer, and sure enough: discontinued. I DID find a red range, but it was close to $10,000!

I was working in a large retail chain. I had a lady come up to the service desk.

Customer: “Can I get this five-gallon bucket of paint for $10 because it’s already mixed with color?”

My supervisor and I tried to get to the bottom of the original price to see if a discount was possible.

Me: “Ma’am, this paint was originally $60 and has already been marked down 50% because it’s premixed.”

Customer: “But I’m doing you a favor! No one else is going to buy this since it already has color.”

My supervisor finally firmly got the NO into her head.

Customer: “Fine! Take it out of my cart for me, then.”

My supervisor is barely five feet tall and she’s eight and a half months pregnant. I’m disabled and can’t lift more than twenty-five pounds before my joints give out. We team-lifted it out of there.

It is now one of my go-to stories for nutty customers. We all talked about it for weeks.

I have a guy buy an office chair that only comes in one color. He calls me at the store an hour later.

Customer: “I want a refund on the chair I bought.”

Me: “Okay. Bring it back and we’ll refund you the money.”

Customer: “I don’t want to bring it back! Either get me a shipping label or come get it yourself right this second and bring me cash for the chair.”

Me: “I can’t do that. The only way for you to get a refund is to bring the chair back in yourself.”

He proceeds to cuss me out and demand my manager.

Me: “Sir, I am the manager. Your only choice is to just come back with the chair.”

He ended up coming back the next day and just doing the return anyway.