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    We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Can

    , | Florida, USA |

    (I was working at the paint desk when a customer calls the store.)

    Customer: “Can you mix up my paint and have it ready when I get there? I have the formula.”

    Me: “I can take the formula and stage it, but I can’t mix it until you arrive. What is the formula on the can?”

    Customer: “It’s got 20% Magenta, 30% Cyan, 30% Yellow Oxide, and 30% White.”

    Me: “It says that on the can?”

    Customer: “No, that’s what I had them put in last time.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s more than 100%. The formula you gave me is impossible to make.”

    Customer: “I’ll just come down there and have someone who understands make it for me.” *click*

    The Root Of The Problem

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hey there! Do you guys have any bamboo wood flooring?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Not fake bamboo. Real bamboo.”

    Me: “Not in stock, but we can easily special order some for you. Might I ask why you specifically need bamboo?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, we had our basement finished a few years ago with oak floors, but since then it has flooded several times. We keep having to tear up the floor and put down new stuff.”

    Customer’s Wife: “It’s very annoying.”

    Customer: “Very. So we figured that if we had bamboo floors it would be able to soak up the water easily, or be reusable or something like that.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Do you know if bamboo can do that?”

    Me: “Um…I’ve never thought much about it, but I think the bigger concern here is whatever’s causing your basement to consistently flood.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with the window wells. I just figured this would be a quick fix.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re in the completely wrong department.”

    It Runs On Imagination

    | Acworth, GA, USA |

    (An older woman comes in looking for flashlights, and I take her to that section.)

    Customer: “Ok then, do any of these flashlights plug in?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, these few here use a built in battery that can be recharged with a power cord.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want any batteries, just the cord. Flashlight batteries are always dead every time I need the flashlight!”

    Me: “Oh, well I’m sorry, but all we have are these types of flashlights. Why did you want a corded model?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know, in case the power goes out.”

    Me: “…”

    Welcome To Retail, Part 3

    , | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

    Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

    Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

    (I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

    Me: “What–”

    Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” ¬†*zips up and runs out*

    Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

    Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”

    Related:
    Welcome To Retail, Part 2
    Welcome To Retail

    Think Unpoopy Thoughts

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?”

    Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.”

    Customer: “But what is it measuring?”

    Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.”

    Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?”

    Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.”

    Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.”

    (I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.)

    Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right?

    (My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.)

    Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!”

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