• Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Out Of This World Prices

    | Santa Clarita, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need your assistance with these lights here. Do I just plug these into the dirt?”

    Me: “They’re solar powered, so you stick them into your lawn and they’ll charge during the day so they can shine during the evening. Right now they’re on clearance for $14.98.”

    Customer: “How many batteries will I have to buy? I always get things like this on sale and then you trick me because I have to buy batteries.”

    Me: “They’re solar powered.”

    Customer: “I just want to know how many batteries I need.”

    Me: “Well these particular lights only need one battery. It’s big and yellow and floats in the sky. It’s called the Sun.”

    Customer: “Never mind, then. That sounds awfully expensive.”

    What’s In A Name

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell christmas trees?”

    Me: “Yes, we do in the Garden Center.”

    Customer: “Thanks…”

    (A few minutes later, the customer returns.)

    Customer: “I can’t seem to find them.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll show you where they are.”

    (I leads to Garden Center and points out section donated to the trees.)

    Me: “They’re right there, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Those are evergreens! I want a Christmas Tree!”

    Me: “Ma’am, evergreens are Christmas trees.”

    Customer: “No, they’re different! I want a Christmas tree, not some stupid evergreen!”

    Me: “Ma’am, they are the same.”

    Customer: “No, they are not! Christmas trees stay green all year round, and evergreens lose their leaves!”

    Male To Female Adapter

    | Dublin, GA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Um…. I need some… *whispers* tampons?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Some tampons please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong store.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t. My husband told me to come here and get them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We don’t sell those here.”

    Customer: “But you have to. He said he got some here last week.”

    (I realize she probably means tapcons, which are masonry screws.)

    Me: “Do you mean tapcons?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that could be it. I don’t know why he told me to get tampons. That doesn’t make any sense.”

    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

    Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

    Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

    Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak the a manager.”

    (I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

    Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

    Me: “It is posted in the–”

    Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

    Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

    Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

    Me: “No, the sign is about 6 feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

    Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

    (The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

    Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

    Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

    Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

    Customer: “Hmph!”

    All Signs Point To Other Signs
    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

    Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

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