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  • His Attitude Speaks Volumes
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    Negative Tree-inforcement

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (A customer comes up with a 40 pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

    Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

    Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

    (As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

    Me: “Ouch!”

    Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

    I Shall Call Them…Mini-Mes

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    Customer: *whispers* “Could I have six…no, make that eight ladybugs please?”

    Me: “You only need eight ladybugs? Or eight boxes? We sell them in boxes of one hundred.”

    Customer: “Yes, just eight individual ladybugs. And could you please keep your voice down?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t open a box to give you just eight. The rest would all fly away.”

    Customer: “Well, then I’ll take a box. ”

    (I ring her up and she takes the box of ladybugs over to one of our picnic tables. She takes one ladybug, whispers to it and then flings it into the air.)

    Customer: “HEAR MY WORDS AND DO MY BIDDING!”

    (After several more ladybugs have been released she brings the box back over.)

    Customer: “I’m not going to need the rest of these. You can keep them here.”

    Me: “Ma’am, can I ask what you asked those ladybugs to do for you?”

    Customer: “Well, ladybugs eat other bugs, which means they’re meat eaters! So I gave them the names and addresses of people I hate. That way, they can get a swarm of them and attack! If they eat meat then it’s just a matter of time before a whole bunch of them will eat a whole person!”

    Rage Against The Earless Machine

    , | Hilliard, OH, USA |

    (I overheard this conversation between a self checkout machine and a customer.)

    Self checkout machine: “Please take your items.”

    Customer: “DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE F*** TO DO! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE MY S*** HERE?!”

    Just Another April Fool

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A customer notices the Egg Plants we have for sale. They are just eggs with soil and seeds in them; crack the top, water, etc.)

    Customer: “These are cool. In time for Easter, eh?”

    Me: “Oh yeah. People are liking them, so they’re selling well.”

    Customer: “That’s cool. I may have to come back and get a couple for my nieces. BTW, when is Easter?”

    Me: “Um, I believe it’s either April 5th or April 12th.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Is it on a weekend this year?”

    Me: “Um, sir… it’s always on a Sunday.”

    Customer: “… really?”

    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People

    , | Emeryville, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is **** speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. I was just wondering how much your Mexicans are?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Your Mexicans. The ones you have outside in the parking lot. I need some work done on my roof and I wanted to come pick up a couple.”

    Me: “Ma’am…first of all, they are called day laborers. Secondly, they don’t belong to us. They don’t belong to anyone actually, they are people. Third, our city prohibits soliciting work in a shopping center, so we actually don’t have any workers in the parking lot. If you need work done–”

    Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just shop somewhere else!” *hangs up*


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