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    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

    Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

    Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

    Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak the a manager.”

    (I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

    Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

    Me: “It is posted in the–”

    Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

    Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

    Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

    Me: “No, the sign is about 6 feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

    Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

    (The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

    Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

    Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

    Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

    Customer: “Hmph!”

    All Signs Point To Other Signs
    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

    Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

    Wising Up To Dumbing Down

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’m showing a customer the difference between a few different products and the benefits of each. After a few minutes, he selects the item he wants.)

    Customer: “Why are you so smart?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Everyone tells me to stop, but I guess I just can’t help it!”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Well, stop it! It annoys me when people are smarter than me!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Kids these days!” *walks off*

    Jingle H*lls

    | Minnesota, USA |

    (An older woman and her husband approach me during the Christmas season.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a baby Jesus for my nativity scene.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. We’re currently out of baby Jesus.”

    Customer: *to husband* “You hear that?! They’re all out of d*** baby Jesuses!”

    Negative Tree-inforcement

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (A customer comes up with a 40 pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

    Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

    Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

    (As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

    Me: “Ouch!”

    Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

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