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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Up His Own Perineum

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hello sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials who don’t need maintenance on it.”

    Me: “Well, we got a few who need very low attention, but–”

    Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

    Me: “Every plants need water sir, even cactus, but we–”

    Customer: “And they gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

    Me: “Waterproof?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

    Me: “So you want some flowers who doesn’t need maintenance, don’t need water and that chlorine won’t kill?”

    Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

    Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

    Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

    (I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to my boss. My manager responds similarly…)

    Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

    Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”

    Wising Up To Dumbing Down

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’m showing a customer the difference between a few different products and the benefits of each. After a few minutes, he selects the item he wants.)

    Customer: “Why are you so smart?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Everyone tells me to stop, but I guess I just can’t help it!”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Well, stop it! It annoys me when people are smarter than me!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Kids these days!” *walks off*

    Jingle H*lls

    | Minnesota, USA |

    (An older woman and her husband approach me during the Christmas season.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a baby Jesus for my nativity scene.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. We’re currently out of baby Jesus.”

    Customer: *to husband* “You hear that?! They’re all out of d*** baby Jesuses!”

    Negative Tree-inforcement

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (A customer comes up with a 40 pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

    Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

    Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

    (As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

    Me: “Ouch!”

    Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

    I Shall Call Them…Mini-Mes

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    Customer: *whispers* “Could I have six…no, make that eight ladybugs please?”

    Me: “You only need eight ladybugs? Or eight boxes? We sell them in boxes of one hundred.”

    Customer: “Yes, just eight individual ladybugs. And could you please keep your voice down?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t open a box to give you just eight. The rest would all fly away.”

    Customer: “Well, then I’ll take a box. ”

    (I ring her up and she takes the box of ladybugs over to one of our picnic tables. She takes one ladybug, whispers to it and then flings it into the air.)

    Customer: “HEAR MY WORDS AND DO MY BIDDING!”

    (After several more ladybugs have been released she brings the box back over.)

    Customer: “I’m not going to need the rest of these. You can keep them here.”

    Me: “Ma’am, can I ask what you asked those ladybugs to do for you?”

    Customer: “Well, ladybugs eat other bugs, which means they’re meat eaters! So I gave them the names and addresses of people I hate. That way, they can get a swarm of them and attack! If they eat meat then it’s just a matter of time before a whole bunch of them will eat a whole person!”

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