Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “My daughter is having her birthday in a few days. Do you do kids’ birthday parties?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “Do you come to people’s homes dressed up for kids’ birthday parties? I was hoping for a princess theme.”
Me: “Ma’am, I believe you have to wrong number. This is a home improvement store.”
Caller: “No, I do not have the wrong number! I was told you do kids’ birthday parties!”
Me: “Uh, well…in our grocery department we sell candles. And cake mix. And frosting.”
Caller: “Oh, wonderful! Do you have decorations you could bring too?”
Me: “I’m not going to bring anything, but you could come in to our store to buy the cake supplies and some decorations from our wall-coverings department.”
Caller: “You have specific departments for kids’ birthdays? That’s wonderful! Where are you located and what are your hours?”
Me: “Ma’am, like I said before, you called a home improvement store. We, unfortunately, do not provide entertainment for children’s birthday parties, but we are located at [address] and our store hours are 6:30 AM to 10 PM.”
Caller: “Just perfect, you’ve been so helpful! Have a wonderful day!” *hangs up*
(A customer is running around the perennial section like a maniac.)
Me: “Is everything okay, ma’am?”
Customer: “The bees! They’re chasing me!”
Me: “They really won’t bother you, ma’am. They’re too interested in the flowers to pay much attention to you.”
Customer: “That’s easy for you to say! The bees KNOW you!”
(I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)
Customer: "You people really have a problem out here!"
Me: "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the issue?"
Customer: "You have trees blowing over all over the place!"
Me: "I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but mother nature is winning."
Customer: "Screw your mother nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong anyway!"
Customer: “I need to return this paint. It’s the wrong color.”
Me: “What color did you need?”
Customer: “I needed white. This is blanco.”
Me: “Sir, this is a gallon of white paint. ‘Blanco’ is white in Spanish.”
Customer: “I don’t need Spanish white.”
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Customer: “What is a pebble?”
Me: “Well, it’s a very small rock…generally smooth.”
Customer: “Fine, where do you sell pebbles?”
Me: “Right at the back of the garden section, sir.”
Customer: “Are your pebbles heat-resistant?”
Me: “I’m not sure, but I could call one of our garden specialists to help you.”
Customer: “Never mind! I need heat resistant rocks!” (He shows me a rock.) “Is this rock limestone? Limestone is heat resistant.”
Me: “I can’t tell if it’s limestone just from looking, but limestone has a lot of calcium in it, so if you dip it in vinegar and fizzes up, it’s probably limestone.”
Customer: “Forget it! You are worthless! I’ll just stick this in the microwave and see if it’s heat resistant!”
(He storms off. He came back the next day…for a new microwave.)