October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Missing The Y In DIY

| Michigan, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at the returns desk of a big-box home-improvement store. A customer is bringing back a pesticide/weed killer sprayer.)

Me: “Hello, did you have a problem with the sprayer?”

Customer: “Yes! It won’t work. It keeps clogging up. This is the second sprayer I’ve brought in, and I haven’t even finished my deck!”

Me: “What type of spray are you using in the sprayer?”

Customer: “I’m using the deck stain listed on the receipt there.”

Me: “There’s your problem: this sprayer won’t work for deck stain.”

Customer: “What?! What do you mean?! That’s not what I was told! I was told this would work just fine!”

Me: “Who told you that it was okay to use a pesticide sprayer for deck stain?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know his name, but he looks…um…he works here, okay?”

(I start the returns process on the register I’m at.)

Customer: “So, what would you recommend to stain my deck?”

Me: “I’d go right over to aisle 5 and look at the paint sprayers.”

Customer: “But those are so expensive! I can’t afford one of those.”

Me: “Well, you could always buy a brush and do it the old-fashioned way.”

Customer: “But that’s work!”

Equal Opportunity Confusion

| Lexington, KY, USA | Bigotry

(I am a female employee at a popular home improvement retailer, where I get a lot of sexist comments. A male customer nearby looks confused.)

Me: “Sir, is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “I’m going to say yes, because I don’t discriminate.”

Me: *speechless*

Lost In No Translation, Part 3

| USA | Language & Words

(I work in a large home improvement store and I’m the only female in the department. A customer pulls up on his motorcycle and parks it on the sidewalk outside the door, then staggers inside, making a beeline to me despite all the other sales people.)

Customer: *in a loud drunken slur* “Where do you keep your nipples?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your nipples. Where do you keep your nipples?”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand what you’re looking for.”

Customer: *getting louder* “Where do you keep your nipples?! The titties you mash to start your engine!”

Me: “Oh, the fuel bulbs are kept over here.”

(The customer purchases them and leaves. The other associates actually gave me applause for the diplomatic interpretation of his drunken demands.)

Lost In No Translation, Part 2
Lost In No Translation

Not A Measure Of Intelligence

| New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am helping a customer load some insulation. We were unsure if it would fit. This occurs after it did, in fact, fit.)

Customer: “The insulation fit by like that much huh?”

(The customer holds out hands gesturing about a foot in length.)

Me: “Yeah, I guess so!”

Customer: “Wanna know how I knew it would fit?”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “Because that’s the size of my c–”

Me: “OKAY! Have a good day!”

A Tanner Darkly

| Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body

(An elderly man comes to my till. He is obviously tanning a lot, which is something I don’t do because I’m East Indian.)

Me: “Hi! How are you?”

Customer: “Great, thanks.”

Me: “That’s good, and you found everything okay?”

Customer: “Yes, I found everything okay!”

Me: *giggles* “Wow, sir, if you don’t mind my saying…you’re even darker than I am!”

Customer: *chuckles* “Well, I try to tan every moment I get!”

Me: “Ha! Well, whenever I go in the sun, I always wear 60 SPF.”

Customer: “I never wear that sunscreen garbage. Never have, and never will. It causes cancer, you know? Too much of that sunscreen stuff!”

Me: “Okay…well, have a good day. Enjoy the sunshine!”

Customer: “I will! You do the same, darlin’. You’re lookin’ a little pale!”

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