Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [home improvement store]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I just had my shed delivered this morning and you people sent me the wrong size.”
Me: “Okay, just let me pull up your order here and see what may have gone wrong.”
Customer: “I don’t know how you people could have messed this up, I clearly ordered a 6×6 shed and I just measured the one you delivered and its clearly only 4×6.”
Me: “Okay, sir. Well, the type of shed we delivered only comes in a 6×6 model. Did you happen to have any parts left over when you finished building it?”
Customer: “Oh, well I haven’t actually built it yet. But I’ve measured the crate it comes in and it only measure 4×6.”
Me: “Sir, what does the label on the crate say?”
Customer: “It says 6×6. But I measured it and it’s only 4×6!”
Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”
Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”
Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”
Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”
Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”
Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “My daughter is having her birthday in a few days. Do you do kids’ birthday parties?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “Do you come to people’s homes dressed up for kids’ birthday parties? I was hoping for a princess theme.”
Me: “Ma’am, I believe you have to wrong number. This is a home improvement store.”
Caller: “No, I do not have the wrong number! I was told you do kids’ birthday parties!”
Me: “Uh, well…in our grocery department we sell candles. And cake mix. And frosting.”
Caller: “Oh, wonderful! Do you have decorations you could bring too?”
Me: “I’m not going to bring anything, but you could come in to our store to buy the cake supplies and some decorations from our wall-coverings department.”
Caller: “You have specific departments for kids’ birthdays? That’s wonderful! Where are you located and what are your hours?”
Me: “Ma’am, like I said before, you called a home improvement store. We, unfortunately, do not provide entertainment for children’s birthday parties, but we are located at [address] and our store hours are 6:30 AM to 10 PM.”
Caller: “Just perfect, you’ve been so helpful! Have a wonderful day!” *hangs up*
(A customer is running around the perennial section like a maniac.)
Me: “Is everything okay, ma’am?”
Customer: “The bees! They’re chasing me!”
Me: “They really won’t bother you, ma’am. They’re too interested in the flowers to pay much attention to you.”
Customer: “That’s easy for you to say! The bees KNOW you!”
(I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)
Customer: "You people really have a problem out here!"
Me: "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the issue?"
Customer: "You have trees blowing over all over the place!"
Me: "I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but mother nature is winning."
Customer: "Screw your mother nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong anyway!"