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    A Freudian Slip And Slide

    | Rochester, MN, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (I am helping a customer with some plumbing fittings for his old-home cast-iron pipes.)

    Customer: “I don’t think this gasket is going to slide into the pipe.”

    Me: “It should slide right in for you.”

    Customer: “Well, if it don’t slide in, what can I use to help slide it in?”

    Me: “You can use some KY jelly, and that will help.”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah. We got some of that and should work just fine then.”

    Me: “Yep, should work.”

    (The customer’s wife comes around as we get other fittings together, and he looks at his wife.)

    Customer: “Almost done here. Got all the stuff I need, and I just need to find where the KY jelly is.”

    (The wife’s eyes gets big in disbelief. I initially think ‘what’s wrong with her?’)

    Wife: “Umm. What?”

    Customer: “The KY jelly to help slide the fittings into… oh… c**p.”

    (The customer looks at me, and just as he does so, it dawns on me what we have both just said!)

    Me: “Oh… We need to find the silicone jelly! Sorry! I have no ideal how I came up with KY jelly!”

    In A Very Angry Slate

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Bad Behavior, Home Improvement, Wild & Unruly

    (A customer is trying to return a flat cart loaded with at least $400 worth of slate tile. I work as an inventory manager at this particular store.)

    Customer: “I need to return this tile.”

    Returns Associate: “Do you have a receipt or at least the box this tile came in?”

    (The customer had neither, so the return could not be processed. The argument went back and forth until finally the customer stormed out of the store. He left his cart of slate tile by the front door, then got into his vehicle and drove it in front of the store. I assumed he was going to load everything back into his vehicle. Instead he dumped the tile onto the ground and moved the cart inside. He got back in his truck and drove it over the pile of tile, back and forth three times, then sped away. All of the employees watched this with wide eyes. We grabbed a couple of trash cans and loaded up the broken pieces. I asked a manager if I could take any of the whole pieces of tile home and was told I could. I was able to completely tile my front porch with all of the whole tile! The customer could have easily sold his tile to any of the contractors or resale shops in the city but instead decided to ‘show us.’)

    Cancelling The Doorway To Time Travel

    | NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Geeks Rule, Themed Giveaway

    (It’s about eight in the morning and we’ve been open for two hours. I answer the phone.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [Store Name and location], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered a door yesterday.”

    Me: “Okay, did—“

    Caller: “I canceled it today.”

    Me: “Okay. D—“

    Caller: “But I have a receipt that says I paid for it.”

    Me: “Hold on, please.” *I mute the phone and turn to my associate at the other desk* “Hey, did a guy come in this morning and cancel his door?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, the charge hadn’t even gone through with his bank yet, so he’s good. It’s already canceled out.”

    Me: “Okay.” *picks up phone* “Sir, when was your receipt dated? The one that says you paid for it?”

    Caller: “Yesterday.”

    Me: “And you canceled it this morning?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “So.. you… canceled it.”

    Caller: “Yeah, but this receipt says I paid for it!”

    Me: “The receipt is from the day before you paid for it.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “So it isn’t valid anymore.”

    Caller: “But—“

    Me: “The receipt from the day you placed the order has been overridden by the cancellation of the order, which was done today. Your receipt is now invalid.”

    Caller: “So… I won’t be charged?”

    Me: “No, sir.”

    (After the call ends, I turn to the other associate.)

    Me: “Well, it looks like we’ve got a time-traveling ‘Receipt-Lord’ on our hands, guys.”

    Mutant Turtles

    | MN, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (I am stocking shelves in our birdseed section.)

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “I’m looking for something to keep turtles out of my birdfeeder.”

    Me: “… What?”

    Caller: “My birdfeeder? Those turtles keep pestering my birds and eating all the feed.”

    Me: “How would… turtles? I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

    Caller: “I…NEED…TO…KEEP…TURTLES…OUT! Is that so hard to understand?”

    Me: “How on earth does a turtle even get onto a birdfeeder?!”

    Caller: “Oh, did I say turtles? I meant squirrels! Now I see your confusion!”

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 5

    | Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Themed Giveaway

    (I am working the returns desk. If a customer returns too many times under an ID instead of a receipt, it blocks them in our return system. To help out someone who just wants to use an ID, I warn them about what may happen and try to find the receipt in my computer first. A customer walks in with some closet doors to return.)

    Me: “Hello. Do you have your receipt or the card you may have paid with?”

    Customer: “No, just use my ID.”

    Me: “Are you sure you don’t want me to try and find it? If you use your ID too many times it will block you.”

    Customer: *suddenly very angry* “Look! I am a contractor and I am registered with your corporate as a contractor, so I can make as many ID returns I want! So why don’t you just shut up and do your d*** job, or is your job too hard?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I was just trying to help out. I wasn’t aware you were a contractor and were registered with corporate.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t need your f****** help. Do your d*** job, you stupid idiot. I buy from here all the time and have never been treated so rudely!”

    Me: “I AM doing my job, sir, by informing you of some policy you may not have known about. I also politely request you watch your language. You are in a public place and are being very rude to me and the people around you.”

    Customer: “I will be rude to who ever I f****** want. I just want you to know you have completely ruined by whole day!” *starts storming off*

    Me: *in the most polite voice I can muster* “Well, I hope the rest of your day is fantastic, sir!”

    Customer: *flips me the bird* “F*** YOU!”

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 4
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 3
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2
    Past The Point Of No Return


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