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    The Employee Is Always Wrong

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: The Employee Is Always Wrong
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Full Of Sound And Fury

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    (We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)

    Me: *says essay of a phone greet*

    Man with loud booming voice, practically yelling: “FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”

    Me: “… sorry?”

    Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”

    Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”

    Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”

    (I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)

    Please Let These Questions Be Rhetorical

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Why don’t you have any more??”

    Me: “…because everyone else bought them all.”

    Customer: “BUT WHY??!”

    Me: “I don’t know…maybe for the same reason you want to buy them?”

    Customer: “And what reason is that?!”

    Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea, Part 2

    | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, and if you could just sign the top line of this receipt copy for the return, you’ll be all set.”

    Customer: “Wait, this isn’t my correct address. This address printed on this receipt is not mine.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I realize that. However, our cash registers make us enter address and telephone information whenever anyone does a return or exchange. It’s for fraud prevention, etc. However, whenever I request a customer’s address, they panic, clutch their purse to their chest and hiss, ‘Why would you need to know that?’ Or they shout, ‘I’m not getting on any more god damn mailing lists!’ or they are conspiracy theorists who are convinced that I’m an agent of the government monitoring their spending habits through my DOS-based cash register. Or they think I want to come and hang out with them after I get off work. And it really doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain that it’s a fraud prevention requirement and that I’m neither immediately passing it on to Big Brother nor to my drug dealer named Tito. So I make up addresses because I don’t particularly want to have these conversations anymore.”

    Customer, after a long pause: “Yes, that’s a very good plan you’ve come up with.” *scampers away from me*

    Related:
    Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea

    Zero Short Term Memory

    , | Costa Mesa, CA |

    Customer: “Hi, I have my car down the loading dock and I’m parked where it says to park, but there’s no button to call your store or anything down there.”

    Me: “No, there’s not because the elevator is shared with 3 levels of stores; we don’t own it, the mall does. So you have to call us when you’re there.”

    Customer: “How do I call? There’s no button.”

    Me: “With your cellphone…”

    Customer: “Oh pfft, I never bring a cellphone with me.”

    Me: “But didn’t you just call? How did you call earlier?”

    Customer: “With a cellphone!” *looking at me like I’m stupid*


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