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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    It Also Adds Money This Way

    | Michigan, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Me: “Will this be credit or debit?”

    Customer: “Credit.”

    (I notice she has the card facing the wrong way.)

    Me: “Alright, you just need to turn the card around.”

    Customer: “Does that make it run as credit, then?”

    Nails, Not Files

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is [hardware store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: *repeats*

    Me: “What is that used for?”

    Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

    Me: “Like on a computer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”

    Factual Innuendos

    | Waterloo, IA, USA | Top

    (I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

    Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, my bird…

    (He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

    (The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

    Me: *still speechless*

    Mother Knows Best

    | Montreal, QC, Canada |

    (I witnessed this exchange between a mother and daughter shopping together. Note that the help desk was located between aisles 79 & 80 of the store. The mother was running up and down the store, looking down the aisles, but not walking in them. She finally stops and stands on the opposite side of the help desk from where I’m standing.)

    Daughter: “Well? Did you find it?”

    Mother: “No! That boy lied to us! He said its in aisle 79, but I’ve looked EVERYWHERE and there’s no aisle 79 in this whole store!”

    Daughter: (Looks to the left of the help desk.) “Mom? It’s… its right behind you.”

    Mother: “What are you talking about? This isn’t aisle 79!”

    Daughter: “Yes, it is. See there? No, mom, up there!” *points* “It says 79.”

    (Mother glances at the aisle number, then glances down the aisle without walking in it.)

    Mother: “Well, what we’re looking for isn’t down there! I’m sure of that!”

    Home Improvement, P.I.

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    Me: “Okay, our garage doors are back in the millwork department.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t need a garage door.”

    Me: “Alright…what is it that you need?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door!”

    Me: “All of our garage door stuff is back in millwork.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want a garage door!”

    Me: “Is this a door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, all of our doors are going to be back in millwork as well.”

    Customer: “BUT I DON’T NEED A GARAGE DOOR!”

    Me: “Well, then what is it that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    (Hearing the commotion, a coworker shows up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, what does this item do that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes a slow opening motion with hand*

    Me: “So is it on the door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, what does it do?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes same hand motion*

    Coworker: “What exactly does this do?”

    Customer: “It keeps the wind out.”

    Me: “Okay…is it weather stripping?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Coworker: “Does it keep the door shut?”

    Customer: “Yes. I think it’s a spring!”

    (Mystery solved!)


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