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    The Price Was A Steal

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m watching the register for a coworker on his break. A young man enters the store and sets a paper bag on the counter.)

    Customer: “I need to do a return.” *empties contents of bag onto the counter*

    (I pick up the two gas fittings: one has a tag, the other is completely stripped and destroyed. I look at the receipt and the one with the tag isn’t on it.)

    Me: “Sir, this fitting isn’t on this receipt. Did you have another receipt for it?”

    Customer: “No. I don’t have a receipt for it because I didn’t pay for it.”

    Me: *stunned* “Wh-what? Did… did you just take it then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was going to pay for it and I realized I didn’t have enough money to buy it, so I just took it home. But it didn’t fit, either. So my buddy came out and fixed the problem for me and I don’t need it anymore. Sorry.”

    Me: “Oh, um, well… okay. I’m just going to keep this one, then.”

    (I take the stolen fitting and place it in the return box, but then I look at the other fitting.)

    Me: “You really did a number on this one, though.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it was the wrong thread, I think. I tried to twist it on but I ended up stripping it.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t return this it since you destroyed it. It’s yours for life now.”

    (I hand him back his receipt and the broken fitting.)

    Customer: “Well, I thought I’d try anyway. Thank you.” *leaves*

    (The next customer in line is just as stunned as I am. He sets his things on the counter and watches the young man leave.)

    Customer: “Did he just return something he stole and apologized for it because it was the wrong size?”

    (I nod.)

    Customer: “Man, makes you wonder what he would have done if he actually stole the right part!”

    The Lamp Isn’t The Only Thing That Needs Rewiring

    | VA, USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (A tweaker-looking kid comes up to my cash register holding an old lamp that clearly needs professional rewiring. I am no electrician; I’m merely a cashier.)

    Customer: “Do you sell a cord that plugs into this to make it work?”

    (I look closely at the lamp.)

    Me: “I see that it has no place to plug any modern cord. You will need to speak with someone in the electrical department for help with rewiring it.”

    Customer: *bursts into a sing-song yell* “I wish you knew how to do your d*** job!”

    (He then runs off in circles, drops some merchandise and heads for the exit.)

    Customer: “Kiss my royal f***ing a**!”

    Me: “Just leave. Go away. Don’t come back again!”

    (The boy continues swearing and flipping the bird. He has to be escorted out. My manager approaches me.)

    Manager: “Is it a full moon?”

    (Later on, a coworker from the electrical department comes up to the manager.)

    Coworker: “Did you see a dirty guy with a brass lamp? He just hit me and called me a monkey while I was with a customer!”

    Decent Society Hangs On A Knife’s Edge

    | Gas City, IN, USA | Awesome Workers, Top

    (I’m currently attending college in a very small town. I receive an assignment requiring me to carve a pumpkin. Finding proper tools turn out to be a challenge. I end up biking several miles over hilly country roads to a small hardware store in the next town over, so I arrive disheveled and over-heated. The place is empty save for a guy who seems to be the owner and an employee. Judging by the dust, they haven’t restocked anything since the 90s.)

    Employee: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m looking for something I could use to carve a pumpkin.”

    Employee: “Well, I’m afraid we don’t carry much household stuff. Have you looked in [other hardware store, some miles away]?”

    Me: “Actually, I biked here, so I haven’t gone anywhere else yet.”

    Employee: “Okay, well, we could try over here.”

    (Together, we scour the shelves of odd miscellaneous items, their formerly bright packaging faded with age.)

    Me: “Oh, well… I guess I’ll look over at your other tools there. Thanks for the help!”

    (I move off and begin looking at the main hardware section, without success. The owner comes up behind me. He’s tall, bearded, and somewhat imposing. He holds a somewhat rusty, large, serrated knife.)

    Owner: “Hey, how about you take this? It’s a drywall knife, and it should work well. I’ve got three of ‘em, so I won’t miss this one!”

    (Beaming, I accept his kind offer and bike home triumphantly. Kind people like that make the world a much more tolerable place!)

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working at a going out of business’ sale, during which there’s a All Sales Final, NO Returns’ policy. A customer approaches register with a box full of pipe fittings. He starts placing them on the counter.)

    Me: “Did you find everything alright today, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not buying these. I’m returning them.”

    Me: *pointing to sign right next to me* “Sir, we do not take returns anymore.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re f***ing taking these. I bought these and was told any unused ones can be returned. Now I want my money back!”

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t even a brand we carry at this store.”

    Customer: “Don’t f***ing talk to me! Hurry up and do your job.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could take returns, I don’t see a receipt for these items. When did you say you bought these?”

    Customer: “Like 3 months ago. You’re f***ing useless! Where’s your manager?”

    (I grab my manager and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: *to customer* “So, let me get this straight. You’re returning a product that we never supplied three months after you supposedly bought them, with no proof of purchase when we do not allow returns?”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I’ve been a loyal customer here for 23 f***ing years! You can’t just throw me out!”

    Manager: “Sir, my name is on the building, and I’ve run this place since 1982. I’ve never seen you before in my life. So I suggest you get out now before I call the police.”

    (The customer grabs his box, mutters some swear words under his breath, and storms out.)

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return

    Calling It A** I See It

    | Kansas, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m just getting over a bad case of poison ivy when this happens. I’m called over by a middle-aged man.)

    Customer: “Hey, ugly! Can you help me?”

    Coworker: “What did you call her?!”

    Customer: “What she is.” *to me* “Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, moron.”

    Customer: “What did you call me?!”

    Me: “What you are.”

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