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    Calling It A** I See It

    | Kansas, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m just getting over a bad case of poison ivy when this happens. I’m called over by a middle-aged man.)

    Customer: “Hey, ugly! Can you help me?”

    Coworker: “What did you call her?!”

    Customer: “What she is.” *to me* “Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, moron.”

    Customer: “What did you call me?!”

    Me: “What you are.”

    This Is Lazy, But Here’s The Number, So Help Yourself Maybe

    | Maine, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I’m with my parents at a large chain hardware store. I’ve wandered off to the garden section and am minding my own business while looking at some potted plants.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! How much are the potted plants out front?”

    Employee: “I’ll help you out in just one second, okay? I have to unload this pallet right away, but I’ll be right with you.”

    Customer: “You’re useless!” *comes up to me* “Excuse me! how much are the potted plants?”

    Me: *looks around* “…Me? Oh, I don’t work here. I do believe that man told you he’d be right with you, though.”

    Customer: “You work here, I know you do. Don’t lie! You just want to be lazy.”

    Me: “No… I don’t work here. Sorry.”

    Customer: “You just want to be lazy!” *stomps over to the registers* “Excuse me, but your employees are being lazy and won’t tell me how much the potted plants are.”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, I heard my coworker tell you he’d be right with you, and that girl doesn’t work here.”

    Customer: “Sure, she doesn’t! She just wants to be lazy. HOW MUCH ARE THE D*** PLANTS?!”

    Employee #2: “Well, which ones?”

    Customer: “THE POTTED PLANTS!”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, we have many potted plants here—”

    Customer: “THE D*** ONES UP FRONT!”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, there’s a rather large neon yellow sign in front of the rack they’re on. The price is on there.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t someone say so?!”

    Needs To Get Put In Her Place

    | PA, USA | Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I work at a hardware store in the lawn and garden area. On request, I go to help an aging couple out with some decorative rocks)

    Husband: “Thank you very much!”

    Wife: “Don’t thank him! That’s what they’re here for.”

    Me: *smiles awkwardly* “How many bags do you need?”

    Wife: “Eight.”

    Me: “Alright, let me get that for you.”

    (I begin loading the cart with the bags; each weighs around 60lbs.)

    Wife: *to her husband* “See? This is why you go to [store name]. They have people who know their place.”

    Me: *finishes loading* “Anything else?”

    Wife: “Yes, take it out to the cashier and then load it into the car.”

    Me: *takes the cart out*

    Wife: *to her husband* “See? Well behaved and responds to direct commands, like they should!”

    Me: *finishes loading their car after check out*

    (The husband looks around shiftily after his wife enters the car, and surprisingly tries to force money into my hand.)

    Husband: “I’m so sorry!”

    Hair-Brained Advice From The Hairless

    | Saratoga Springs, NY, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I am a cashier with naturally long dark brown hair. Currently, I dyed it black for a little bit of a change. I am approached by a bald, older man.)

    Me: “Hi sir, did you find everything okay tonight?”

    Customer: “Is that your natural hair color?”

    Me: “This? No, not really—”

    Customer: “DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!”

    (I laugh, thinking that he’s joking.)

    Customer: “It’s not funny! You’re not very smart! You don’t want to get cancer, do you?! It spreads to your boobs and ovaries!”

    Me: “…No, I didn’t.”

    Customer: “You can’t be THAT stupid. You don’t even look attractive like that with your complexion. You look like Dracula’s daughter. And look at those ends on your hair! You need to buy mayonnaise and soak your hair in it!”

    Me: *ignoring him* “Your total is [amount].”

    Customer: “I’ll come back to see if you listened!” *pays for his items and leaves*

    Painting Yourself Into A Corner

    | New York, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m working on returns when a customer comes in with a can of paint from our store. An off-duty cop in his uniform just happens to walk in behind her, but she doesn’t notice.)

    Customer: “This paint is crap! I don’t have a receipt, and I didn’t pay with a card, so a merchandise credit will be fine.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, this paint was never tinted, and it clearly says here ‘Must Be Tinted’. Also, our cashiers cannot check out anyone with paint unless they have a valid tint code, or the paint does not need to be tinted.”

    Customer: “Are you accusing me of stealing?!”

    Cop: *still standing behind her* “He gives a valid case.”

    (She whips around, and turns the whitest color I have ever seen. After confirming with the manager, the cop has her arrested for petty theft; double-checking on the cameras throughout the day confirmed she did indeed steal the paint.)

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