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    The Lamp Isn’t The Only Thing That Needs Rewiring

    | VA, USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (A tweaker-looking kid comes up to my cash register holding an old lamp that clearly needs professional rewiring. I am no electrician; I’m merely a cashier.)

    Customer: “Do you sell a cord that plugs into this to make it work?”

    (I look closely at the lamp.)

    Me: “I see that it has no place to plug any modern cord. You will need to speak with someone in the electrical department for help with rewiring it.”

    Customer: *bursts into a sing-song yell* “I wish you knew how to do your d*** job!”

    (He then runs off in circles, drops some merchandise and heads for the exit.)

    Customer: “Kiss my royal f***ing a**!”

    Me: “Just leave. Go away. Don’t come back again!”

    (The boy continues swearing and flipping the bird. He has to be escorted out. My manager approaches me.)

    Manager: “Is it a full moon?”

    (Later on, a coworker from the electrical department comes up to the manager.)

    Coworker: “Did you see a dirty guy with a brass lamp? He just hit me and called me a monkey while I was with a customer!”

    Decent Society Hangs On A Knife’s Edge

    | Gas City, IN, USA | Awesome Workers, Top

    (I’m currently attending college in a very small town. I receive an assignment requiring me to carve a pumpkin. Finding proper tools turn out to be a challenge. I end up biking several miles over hilly country roads to a small hardware store in the next town over, so I arrive disheveled and over-heated. The place is empty save for a guy who seems to be the owner and an employee. Judging by the dust, they haven’t restocked anything since the 90s.)

    Employee: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m looking for something I could use to carve a pumpkin.”

    Employee: “Well, I’m afraid we don’t carry much household stuff. Have you looked in [other hardware store, some miles away]?”

    Me: “Actually, I biked here, so I haven’t gone anywhere else yet.”

    Employee: “Okay, well, we could try over here.”

    (Together, we scour the shelves of odd miscellaneous items, their formerly bright packaging faded with age.)

    Me: “Oh, well… I guess I’ll look over at your other tools there. Thanks for the help!”

    (I move off and begin looking at the main hardware section, without success. The owner comes up behind me. He’s tall, bearded, and somewhat imposing. He holds a somewhat rusty, large, serrated knife.)

    Owner: “Hey, how about you take this? It’s a drywall knife, and it should work well. I’ve got three of ‘em, so I won’t miss this one!”

    (Beaming, I accept his kind offer and bike home triumphantly. Kind people like that make the world a much more tolerable place!)

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working at a going out of business’ sale, during which there’s a All Sales Final, NO Returns’ policy. A customer approaches register with a box full of pipe fittings. He starts placing them on the counter.)

    Me: “Did you find everything alright today, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not buying these. I’m returning them.”

    Me: *pointing to sign right next to me* “Sir, we do not take returns anymore.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re f***ing taking these. I bought these and was told any unused ones can be returned. Now I want my money back!”

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t even a brand we carry at this store.”

    Customer: “Don’t f***ing talk to me! Hurry up and do your job.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could take returns, I don’t see a receipt for these items. When did you say you bought these?”

    Customer: “Like 3 months ago. You’re f***ing useless! Where’s your manager?”

    (I grab my manager and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: *to customer* “So, let me get this straight. You’re returning a product that we never supplied three months after you supposedly bought them, with no proof of purchase when we do not allow returns?”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I’ve been a loyal customer here for 23 f***ing years! You can’t just throw me out!”

    Manager: “Sir, my name is on the building, and I’ve run this place since 1982. I’ve never seen you before in my life. So I suggest you get out now before I call the police.”

    (The customer grabs his box, mutters some swear words under his breath, and storms out.)

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return

    Calling It A** I See It

    | Kansas, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m just getting over a bad case of poison ivy when this happens. I’m called over by a middle-aged man.)

    Customer: “Hey, ugly! Can you help me?”

    Coworker: “What did you call her?!”

    Customer: “What she is.” *to me* “Can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, moron.”

    Customer: “What did you call me?!”

    Me: “What you are.”

    This Is Lazy, But Here’s The Number, So Help Yourself Maybe

    | Maine, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I’m with my parents at a large chain hardware store. I’ve wandered off to the garden section and am minding my own business while looking at some potted plants.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! How much are the potted plants out front?”

    Employee: “I’ll help you out in just one second, okay? I have to unload this pallet right away, but I’ll be right with you.”

    Customer: “You’re useless!” *comes up to me* “Excuse me! how much are the potted plants?”

    Me: *looks around* “…Me? Oh, I don’t work here. I do believe that man told you he’d be right with you, though.”

    Customer: “You work here, I know you do. Don’t lie! You just want to be lazy.”

    Me: “No… I don’t work here. Sorry.”

    Customer: “You just want to be lazy!” *stomps over to the registers* “Excuse me, but your employees are being lazy and won’t tell me how much the potted plants are.”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, I heard my coworker tell you he’d be right with you, and that girl doesn’t work here.”

    Customer: “Sure, she doesn’t! She just wants to be lazy. HOW MUCH ARE THE D*** PLANTS?!”

    Employee #2: “Well, which ones?”

    Customer: “THE POTTED PLANTS!”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, we have many potted plants here—”

    Customer: “THE D*** ONES UP FRONT!”

    Employee #2: “Ma’am, there’s a rather large neon yellow sign in front of the rack they’re on. The price is on there.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t someone say so?!”

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