Every spring and fall there were a few customers who need to return an extension ladder. The conversation always goes like this:

Customer: “We need to return this extension ladder.”

Me: “What is the reason for the return?”

Customer: “It wasn’t long enough.”

Me: “Would you like to exchange it for a longer ladder?”

Customer: “No. We just want the refund.”

These geniuses thought they were pulling a fast one and that I couldn’t possibly have guessed that they bought a ladder to clean their gutters, and then returned the ladder once they were done.

Our hardware store sells insecticides for various pests. A woman comes in and stands really close to me.

Customer: “I’m looking for bed bug killer!”

Me: “Uh, that’ll be at [location].”

Customer: *Still standing way too close.* “It’s an infestation! I have so many bites!” 

I know that’s not how bed bugs work, but yeah… I was a little cautious!

I am shopping in the hardware store where I also work. I’m getting some wood cut for a home project when a customer approaches me.

Customer: “If you’re done just standing around, I need this timber cut.”

Me: “Oh, I’m waiting for my wood to be cut myself.”

Customer: “Well, put it aside! Customers’ orders come first!”

Me: “I’m just a customer like you today. It’s my day off. I’ll be taking this home with me when I’m done.”

Customer: “Home?”

Me: *Laughing* “Well, by ‘home’, I mean the back, where they keep us locked up overnight.”

Customer: “They… keep you locked up back there?”

Me: “Yes. We get let out twice a night for toilet breaks.”

Customer: “Oh! Well… that’s all very…”

Suddenly, I realize that this customer is taking it all very seriously. My manager, who is cutting my wood, has also realized this.

Manager: “Ma’am, he was joking. We don’t keep our staff locked up at night.”

Customer: “Well… I thought maybe you did that to the Mexicans or something…” 

Related:
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 7
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 6
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 5
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 4
Never Joke With The Customers… Ever!, Part 3

A customer comes in, returning paint.

Customer: “You mother*****s sold me paint that don’t work!”

I open it up (store policy, people return paint cans filled with water) and it’s just the base for the paint, no color at all.

Me: “Did you get these tinted?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You just picked up base paint and assumed that it would just be the color you wanted?”

What was he expecting, Bluetooth tinting?

Every year around the holidays, without fail, I get a range of customer interactions that go like this.

Customer: “I’m looking for a ‘Male to Male’ extension cord.”

Me: “Sir, I can only recommend that you re-string your lights.”

Customer: “That’s too much work; I just want the ‘Male to Male’ extension cord.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell those. Those don’t officially exist, and if you’ve found one on Amazon, as I know many customers have, I really need to implore you to not buy it. They’re very unsafe.”

Customer: “The lights are all over my house!”

Me: “Would you like said house to burn down?”

Customer: “Well…”

Me: “Sir, re-string your lights. That’s all you should do. Have a Merry Christmas.”