Highly Screwed

| Muskogee, OK, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement

(I am working late evening, when a customer comes in near closing time. He is high on something and brings a 4 ft tall bong.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Well… umm… I broke it.”

Me: “Broke what?”

Customer: “I broke my smoker.”

Me: “Okay… what can I do to help you?”

Customer: “Screw. I need a screw. I think a screw will fix it. Or maybe something else. A screw. I need a screw. I need a screw!”

(I try to help him find the right screw, but he’s not thinking. He walks away, with his screw, and, I’m sure, another chance to get high again.)

Customer: “Need a screw. Need a screw. Need a screw…”

Paging Leonidas To The Front: The Comic

| New York, NY | Comics, Wild & Unruly

Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself, Part 2

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bigotry, Funny Names, Home Improvement

(I’m a female who works in the paint department. It’s quiet, and a male coworker and I are chatting. He knows nothing about paint. We are approached by an older male customer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

(The customer ignores me, and turns to my coworker.)

Customer: “I need to paint my doors. Do you have animal paint?”

(I try and keep a straight face at this.)

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, I would not know. [My Name] is more than qualified, and can help you.”

Customer: *turning to me, visibly annoyed* “She’s a girl; she wouldn’t know. Okay missy, where’s the animal paint?”

Me: “Sir, what I think you mean is ‘enamel’ paint. There are two types. Water and—”

Customer: *angry* “No, stupid girl! Didn’t you hear me? ANIMAL PAINT! Not whatever you said.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we only have acrylic or enamel paint. Maybe you were misled?”

(The customer slams his items on the counter and turns around screaming.)

Customer: “F****** women should stay in the kitchen!” *turns to face me* “ANIMAL PAINT!”

Related:
Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself

There’s A Reason She Is Always Running Off

| Bendigo, VIC, Australia | Family & Kids

(Whilst shopping in a large hardware store, I find a three-year-old girl who has lost her mother.)

Me: “Hi there, let me help you find your mother.”

Child: *in tears* “No!”

(The child then runs off crying out for her mother. I don’t run after her as it would have upset her more. Instead, I head towards the help desk to let the staff know to put out an announcement. As I am walking there, the child finds her mother, and I turn to walk towards them. The mother starts screaming at the child about how she is supposed to stay with her and not run off.)

Me: “Oh, good, you found your mum.”

(The mother turns to me without thanking me for helping, and speaks in an angry tone.)

Mum: “She does this all the time when we come here; she always runs off. You should have just ignored her.”

Me: *shocked* “You’re welcome; glad she got back safe.”

Ready To Bust His Pipes

| Omaha, NE, USA | Bigotry, Home Improvement, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m a fairly petite, young looking woman, who grew up with three brothers, and a single father. I’m one of the better employees for plumbing help, because my dad made me learn.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]; what’s the project today?”

Customer: “My toilet leaks; I need one of your guys to help.”

Me: “Let’s head to plumbing. Where is the leak from?”

Customer: “I want one of the guys, and not some idiot girl.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll radio one of them.”

(A coworker responds, and I turn the customer over and go back to restocking. A few minutes later, the customer storms up.)

Customer: “This is the stupidest hardware store! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I want your manager!”

Me: “They’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

(The customer stomps out. The next day, I’m in plumbing. I am helping one of our regular contractors, when yesterday’s cranky customer returns.)

Customer: “I want your manager!”

(The cashier radio calls them, and the owner actually responds first.)

Owner: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “You have idiots working here! They can’t help in plumbing!”

(The owner gestures to me.)

Owner: “Sir, she is one of our plumbing experts, and was on last night.”

Customer: “I know that no idiot girl can help!”

(The contractor walks up.)

Contractor: “Watch your mouth! She is the best help you can get without calling a professional!”

Customer: “NO! Girls should be cashiers, and flirt with customers!”

Owner: “Sir, you’ll have to leave.”

Customer: “You can’t make me!”

Me: “Sir. I have two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training. You are leaving. By your choice or by force.”

(For a few moments, the customer contemplates if it’s worth the fight, but ultimately decides against it.)

Contractor: “Man, you ruin all my fun by giving him a choice!”

Owner: “Don’t encourage her. She isn’t in the gym, so she can’t go dislocating elbows here.”

Contractor: “Now both of you are ruining my fun!” *leaves*

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