(A customer calls our shop phone. Usually the customers just call to check stock.)

Me: “Hello, [store], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You owe me two screws!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I’ve just been in your shop and bought a box of screws. When I got home, there were two missing!”

Me: “Sir, are you telling me you have opened and counted out an entire box of screws?”

Customer: “Of course I did! There two missing! So, get somebody out to me now with the two screws that you owe me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we can’t do that. Even if we could, we wouldn’t, because if you look on the side of the box it clearly states “Approximately 200 Screws”.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(A middle-aged man walks up to my register with some odds and ends.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Well, eventually. I had some help. All the guys on the floor are really helpful.”

Me: “That’s good to hear.”

(I continue ringing out the man’s purchases in silence for a few seconds.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’m not real good with all that fix-it stuff…but if you ever need a good batch of cocaine, I can whip that up real fast!”

(I ring up a customer, who pays with debit. Shortly after I give him the debit machine to go through the prompts.)

Customer: “Oh, it seems to have cancelled the transaction.”

Me: “No problem. We’ll just start over.”

(I swipe his card again and hand him the machine.)

Customer: “See, here’s where I went wrong.”

(He shows me the screen. It says ‘Purchase: 8.50$ OK?’ Underneath, the left button is indicated as ‘OK’, and the right as ‘CAN’ for ‘cancel’.)

Me: “So, did you press OK to approve the transaction?”

Customer: “I thought CAN meant Canada!”

Customer: “I just want a 2x4x20, please.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t stock 2x4x20′s, but I can sell you a couple 10 foot pieces. That still covers the footage if you can make that work.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Ah! No, kid, it doesn’t work like that! What I will do, though, is take two 10 foot pieces.”

Me: “Brilliant idea, sir.”

(I’m serving a customer when I notice a lady has been staring at the oranges for a long time, looking up, then looking down, and looking puzzled. The display has a slanted mirror above the oranges to make it look like we have twice as many.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if I could have some of those oranges.”

(She points to the mirror.)

Me: “Oh…um…”

Customer: “Is that okay? It’s just that those oranges look so much more orange than these ones!”