(I’m working on returns when a customer comes in with a can of paint from our store. An off-duty cop in his uniform just happens to walk in behind her, but she doesn’t notice.)

Customer: “This paint is crap! I don’t have a receipt, and I didn’t pay with a card, so a merchandise credit will be fine.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, this paint was never tinted, and it clearly says here ‘Must Be Tinted’. Also, our cashiers cannot check out anyone with paint unless they have a valid tint code, or the paint does not need to be tinted.”

Customer: “Are you accusing me of stealing?!”

Cop: *still standing behind her* “He gives a valid case.”

(She whips around, and turns the whitest color I have ever seen. After confirming with the manager, the cop has her arrested for petty theft; double-checking on the cameras throughout the day confirmed she did indeed steal the paint.)

(I am currently going through medical school and working at a nearby hardware store part-time to help pay the bills. As part of study, students have been given internships at various local hospitals. Note: New Zealanders pride themselves on their DIY skills.)

Customer: “Hey mate, I need some stuff to build a deck. Can ya help me find it?”

Me: “Certainly, what were you after?”

(As per our instruction, after recommending the tools and materials the customer would need, I am required to point out various safety gear as well. All has been going great so far…)

Me: “May I also recommend that you grab some safety glasses? They could save you a lot of trouble if things happen to go wrong.”

Customer: *suddenly hostile* “Look, mate, I don’t need any of this s***! I know how it needs to be done. Any real man does! If you were a real man, you’d know too. I ain’t paying for any s*** I don’t need!”

(He eventually leaves, but not before complaining to customer service about me. Three days later while working at the hospital as a medical student, I take the same customer’s history. The reason: he had a splinter lodged in the side of his eye. I wish I was making this up!)

(This takes place at a national retailer who takes pride in its lifetime warranty on hand tools.  One customer came in trying to take up the store on that offer.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange these tools.”

Employee: “Unfortunately, these are planing tools and we no longer carry these in this store.”

Customer: “These are hand tools, and you have a lifetime guarantee on these. They’re broken, so I want new ones.”

Employee: “I understand, and you’re absolutely correct, but we can’t give you replacement tools because we don’t carry them here. However, we can give you an address, and if you send the tools there, they will ship you back some replacements.”

Customer: “Well, I need these tools now! You have a warranty, and I want to fulfill that agreement!”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I’d like to help you, but it’s just not possible for us to replace your tools at this location.”

Customer: “I bet you’re sorry. Yeah, I bet you just work here, don’t you? You just work here, so it’s not your fault, is it?!”

Employee: “Yes, I do work here. Again, I’m sorry we can’t replace your tools, but we don’t have them in stock.”

Customer: “Yeah, you just ‘work here’. You probably just work here for minimum wage. You’re probably just coming in, getting your $7 an hour and checking out. I’m not going to be coming back again. You can just work for your $7 an hour and not care about your customers!” *begins storming out*

Employee: “Actually, it’s $6.50, sir!”

(I’ve just finished ringing out the customer’s items. He hands me a gift card for another store. It’s the same color as our rewards card, so I think he just isn’t paying attention and has them confused.)

Me: “Sir, this is a [store] gift card. We can’t take this.”

Customer: “No, you can. Take the gift card.”

Me: “No, I can’t. This is for [other store]. You’re at [hardware store] right now.”

Customer: “No, take the gift card. I want to pay with that.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes, with the customer insisting I take the gift card for the other store. I even run the card through the scanner just in case.)

Customer: “Wait, that is a [store] gift card, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And I’m at [hardware store], aren’t I?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh.” *takes gift card* “So, what do I owe you?”

Me: “$30.00.”

(He hands me a $20 and stares expectantly.)

Me: “And then it’s still $10, sir.”

Customer: “You’ve got the $20.”

Me: “Right, and $30 minus $20 is still $10.”

Customer: “But you’re holding the $20.”

Me: “Yes, but your total is more than $20.”

Customer: “I gave you a $20.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes, too. Finally…)

Customer: “Wait, did you say it’s $30?”

Related:
Some Things Just Don’t Add Up, Part 3
Some Things Just Don’t Add Up, Part 2
Some Things Just Don’t Add Up

(A customer calls our shop phone. Usually the customers just call to check stock.)

Me: “Hello, [store], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You owe me two screws!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I’ve just been in your shop and bought a box of screws. When I got home, there were two missing!”

Me: “Sir, are you telling me you have opened and counted out an entire box of screws?”

Customer: “Of course I did! There two missing! So, get somebody out to me now with the two screws that you owe me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we can’t do that. Even if we could, we wouldn’t, because if you look on the side of the box it clearly states “Approximately 200 Screws”.”

Customer: *hangs up*