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    So Stupid I Almost Painted

    | Queens, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I need some paint.”

    Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

    (After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

    Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

    Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

    Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

    Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

    Back To Basics Is Best

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I need something to make a nail go into a piece of wood…you know, to make it stay where I’m putting it.”

    Me: “…a hammer, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, is that what you would recommend?”

    Me: “Uh…yeah.”

    Customer: “Great, show me where they are!”

    Imaginary Return, Imaginary Refund

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    (A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)

    Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”

    Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”

    Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

    Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”

    Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”

    Related: Not Quite Getting What “Return” Means

    Pride Goeth Before A Sale

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

    Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

    Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

    Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

    Me: “Uh, no sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

    Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

    (I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

    Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental

    If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

    Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
    stripes magically appear?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

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