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    Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

    | Delaware | Math & Science

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

    Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

    Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

    Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Just a regular size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

    Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

    Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

    Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

    Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

    Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

    Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

    Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

    Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

    Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

    Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

    Customer: “What does all that mean?”

    Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

    (The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

    Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

    Dr. Jekyll And Hearing-Impaired Hyde

    | Winona, MN, USA |

    (At the hardware store where I work, I see an old lady pushing a cart with a heavy bag of dirt inside it.)

    Me: “Here, I can help you with that, ma’am. ”

    Old Lady:¬†”This cart is awful! It won’t steer anywhere I want it to!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, it is kind of heavy. Here, let me get you a new one.”

    Old Lady: “NO! I want a new cart so I can go look at flowers!”

    Me: ¬†”… okay. I’ll get you a new cart for the dirt.”

    Old Lady: “You DON’T understand! I want a new cart! Not this one! This one is broken!”

    Me: “That’s quite alright, ma’am.¬†I’ll get you a new cart instead of this one.”

    Old Lady: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! I WANT TO GO LOOK AT FLOWERS AND I WANT A NEW CART!”

    Me: “Okay, ¬†I think we have a miscommunication here! You may go look at flowers as much as you want. Then, just come check out when you’re done.”

    Old Lady:¬†”I’m just going to go look at flowers, AND I want a new cart.”

    (About 15 minutes after she looks at flowers, she comes down to my register. She’s still pushing the old cart.)

    Old Lady: “Well, I guess I’m done shopping for the day. Thank you so much for your help, sweetie!”

    Me: “You’re… welcome?”

    A Leaf Blower And An Acetylene Torch Should Do The Trick

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

    Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

    Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

    (About ten minutes later…)

    Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”

    We Need One Of These In Every Store

    | Vancouver Island, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top

    Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”

    Nice customer: “Okay, thanks.”

    Angry customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”

    Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive, I’m just checking our other loc-”

    Angry customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”

    (At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)

    (The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)


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