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    Imaginary Return, Imaginary Refund

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    (A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)

    Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”

    Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”

    Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

    Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”

    Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”

    Related: Not Quite Getting What “Return” Means

    Pride Goeth Before A Sale

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

    Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

    Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

    Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

    Me: “Uh, no sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

    Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

    (I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

    Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental

    If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

    Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
    stripes magically appear?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

    Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk

    | New York, NY, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

    Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

    Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

    (At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

    Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

    Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

    Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “What? NO!”

    Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

    Customer: “Then do it!”

    (I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

    Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

    Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

    Me: *puts the customer down*

    Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

    (I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

    Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

    Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

    | Delaware | Math & Science

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

    Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

    Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

    Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Just a regular size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

    Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

    Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

    Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

    Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

    Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

    Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

    Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

    Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

    Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

    Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

    Customer: “What does all that mean?”

    Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

    (The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

    Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

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