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    Higher Than A Helicopter

    | Massachusetts, USA | Bizarre

    Customer: “I need to make a copy of this key because the police need to use this one in an investigation.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this key is broken clean in half. I don’t think I can copy this.”

    Customer: “Well you see, the police are investigating into the helicopters and I need another key.”

    Me: “The helicopters?”

    Customer: “Yes, yes. They break into my car.” *picking up a flashlight from the checkout counter* “Oh! I wonder if this flashlight is helicopter proof.”

    Me: “Uh…I don’t know to be honest.”

    Customer: “Well. The helicopters always make things stop working suddenly.”

    (She clicks the flashlight on and off until suddenly it no longer turns on.)

    Customer: “Ah, there. Not helicopter proof. They’re in my veins, you know.”

    It Also Adds Money This Way

    | Michigan, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Me: “Will this be credit or debit?”

    Customer: “Credit.”

    (I notice she has the card facing the wrong way.)

    Me: “Alright, you just need to turn the card around.”

    Customer: “Does that make it run as credit, then?”

    Nails, Not Files

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is [hardware store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: *repeats*

    Me: “What is that used for?”

    Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

    Me: “Like on a computer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”

    Factual Innuendos

    | Waterloo, IA, USA | Top

    (I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

    Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, my bird…

    (He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

    (The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

    Me: *still speechless*

    Mother Knows Best

    | Montreal, QC, Canada |

    (I witnessed this exchange between a mother and daughter shopping together. Note that the help desk was located between aisles 79 & 80 of the store. The mother was running up and down the store, looking down the aisles, but not walking in them. She finally stops and stands on the opposite side of the help desk from where I’m standing.)

    Daughter: “Well? Did you find it?”

    Mother: “No! That boy lied to us! He said its in aisle 79, but I’ve looked EVERYWHERE and there’s no aisle 79 in this whole store!”

    Daughter: (Looks to the left of the help desk.) “Mom? It’s… its right behind you.”

    Mother: “What are you talking about? This isn’t aisle 79!”

    Daughter: “Yes, it is. See there? No, mom, up there!” *points* “It says 79.”

    (Mother glances at the aisle number, then glances down the aisle without walking in it.)

    Mother: “Well, what we’re looking for isn’t down there! I’m sure of that!”

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