(A middle-aged man walks up to my register with some odds and ends.)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Well, eventually. I had some help. All the guys on the floor are really helpful.”

Me: “That’s good to hear.”

(I continue ringing out the man’s purchases in silence for a few seconds.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’m not real good with all that fix-it stuff…but if you ever need a good batch of cocaine, I can whip that up real fast!”

(I ring up a customer, who pays with debit. Shortly after I give him the debit machine to go through the prompts.)

Customer: “Oh, it seems to have cancelled the transaction.”

Me: “No problem. We’ll just start over.”

(I swipe his card again and hand him the machine.)

Customer: “See, here’s where I went wrong.”

(He shows me the screen. It says ‘Purchase: 8.50$ OK?’ Underneath, the left button is indicated as ‘OK’, and the right as ‘CAN’ for ‘cancel’.)

Me: “So, did you press OK to approve the transaction?”

Customer: “I thought CAN meant Canada!”

Customer: “I just want a 2x4x20, please.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t stock 2x4x20′s, but I can sell you a couple 10 foot pieces. That still covers the footage if you can make that work.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Ah! No, kid, it doesn’t work like that! What I will do, though, is take two 10 foot pieces.”

Me: “Brilliant idea, sir.”

(I’m serving a customer when I notice a lady has been staring at the oranges for a long time, looking up, then looking down, and looking puzzled. The display has a slanted mirror above the oranges to make it look like we have twice as many.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if I could have some of those oranges.”

(She points to the mirror.)

Me: “Oh…um…”

Customer: “Is that okay? It’s just that those oranges look so much more orange than these ones!”

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *extremely inebriated* “I just noticed a bump on my privates.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “I need to come over and have you take a look at it.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want a doctor. This is a hardware store.”

Caller: *long pause* “You’re not my mom?”

Related:
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

(Note: I work at a hardware store. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you sell grapes?”

(I’m assuming they are some form of bolt or electrical fitting I had not heard of.)

Me: “Um, what are they used for?”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m an idiot* “Eating! Grapes!”

Me: “Oh. No, this is a hardware shop.”

Customer: *blank face* “But you used to sell fruit…”

Me: “No, I’m pretty sure this shop has never sold any fruit.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(There’s a very long pause where he just stares at me.)

Customer: “No grapes, then?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Yeah. I have a guy painting a room in my house, but I told him I don’t like it.”

Me: “If you’d like another color, I can help you pick a new one.”

Customer: “That’d be great. I have to cover up this color. It’s the most horrible, disgusting color I’ve ever seen. It looks like…it looks like…”

(The customer looks up at me, and points.)

Customer: “It looks like your shirt.”

(I am speechless.)

Customer: “Yeah, ugly like your shirt. Oh, sorry! It’s a nice shirt, I guess.”

(A customer is returning an electrical outlet with a remote control, and is complaining that the remote didn’t work.)

Customer: “I tried everything, made the right adjustments, but no matter what I do, the light that is supposed to blink on the remote does nothing.”

Me: “Let me have a look at this remote.”

Customer: “I’m also fairly certain that the outlets themselves are not working.”

(While he says that, I open up the remote control, and take out the battery.)

Me: “Have you tried unwrapping the plastic from the battery before inserting it?”

Customer: “You’re kidding, right? Even I wouldn’t be that stupid!”

(I unwrap the battery before him. His mouth falls open, and he makes a face palm.”

Customer: “No! This is not true!”

(I insert the unwrapped battery in the remote control, and try it. The light now blinks as it’s supposed too.)

Me: “It appears to be working now.”

Customer: “I think I’m going to try the outlets at home. Maybe they work now, too.”

Related:
The Wrong Outlet For Your Problems

Customer: “I need to make a copy of this key because the police need to use this one in an investigation.”

Me: “Ma’am, this key is broken clean in half. I don’t think I can copy this.”

Customer: “Well you see, the police are investigating into the helicopters and I need another key.”

Me: “The helicopters?”

Customer: “Yes, yes. They break into my car.” *picking up a flashlight from the checkout counter* “Oh! I wonder if this flashlight is helicopter proof.”

Me: “Uh…I don’t know to be honest.”

Customer: “Well. The helicopters always make things stop working suddenly.”

(She clicks the flashlight on and off until suddenly it no longer turns on.)

Customer: “Ah, there. Not helicopter proof. They’re in my veins, you know.”

Me: “Will this be credit or debit?”

Customer: “Credit.”

(I notice she has the card facing the wrong way.)

Me: “Alright, you just need to turn the card around.”

Customer: “Does that make it run as credit, then?”