Visit our latest site, The Awesomer!Customer: “I need something to make a nail go into a piece of wood…you know, to make it stay where I’m putting it.”
Me: “…a hammer, sir?”
Customer: “Oh, is that what you would recommend?”
Me: “Uh…yeah.”
Customer: “Great, show me where they are!”
(A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)
Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”
Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”
Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”
Customer: “Yeah, I know.”
Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”
Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”
(Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)
Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”
Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”
Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”
Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”
Me: “Uh, no sir?”
Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”
Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”
Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”
(I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)
Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental
(I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”
Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
stripes magically appear?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”
Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”
Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”
Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”
(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)
Me: “Is there a problem?”
Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”
Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”
Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”
Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”
Customer: “What? NO!”
Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”
Customer: “Then do it!”
(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)
Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”
Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”
Me: *puts the customer down*
Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”
(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)
Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*
Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”
Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”
Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”
Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”
Customer: “Just a regular size.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”
Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”
Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”
Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”
Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”
Customer: “No, that’s too short.”
Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”
Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”
Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”
Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”
Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”
Customer: “What does all that mean?”
Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”
Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*
(The customer returns 15 minutes later.)
Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”
(At the hardware store where I work, I see an old lady pushing a cart with a heavy bag of dirt inside it.)
Me: “Here, I can help you with that, ma’am. ”
Old Lady: ”This cart is awful! It won’t steer anywhere I want it to!”
Me: “I’m sorry about that, it is kind of heavy. Here, let me get you a new one.”
Old Lady: “NO! I want a new cart so I can go look at flowers!”
Me: ”… okay. I’ll get you a new cart for the dirt.”
Old Lady: “You DON’T understand! I want a new cart! Not this one! This one is broken!”
Me: “That’s quite alright, ma’am. I’ll get you a new cart instead of this one.”
Old Lady: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! I WANT TO GO LOOK AT FLOWERS AND I WANT A NEW CART!”
Me: “Okay, I think we have a miscommunication here! You may go look at flowers as much as you want. Then, just come check out when you’re done.”
Old Lady: ”I’m just going to go look at flowers, AND I want a new cart.”
(About 15 minutes after she looks at flowers, she comes down to my register. She’s still pushing the old cart.)
Old Lady: “Well, I guess I’m done shopping for the day. Thank you so much for your help, sweetie!”
Me: “You’re… welcome?”
Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”
Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”
Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”
Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”
Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”
(About ten minutes later…)
Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”
Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”
Nice customer: “Okay, thanks.”
Angry customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”
Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive, I’m just checking our other loc-”
Angry customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”
(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)
(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)
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