(I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, my bird…

(He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

(The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

Me: *still speechless*

(I witnessed this exchange between a mother and daughter shopping together. Note that the help desk was located between aisles 79 & 80 of the store. The mother was running up and down the store, looking down the aisles, but not walking in them. She finally stops and stands on the opposite side of the help desk from where I’m standing.)

Daughter: “Well? Did you find it?”

Mother: “No! That boy lied to us! He said its in aisle 79, but I’ve looked EVERYWHERE and there’s no aisle 79 in this whole store!”

Daughter: (Looks to the left of the help desk.) “Mom? It‚Äôs… its right behind you.”

Mother: “What are you talking about? This isn’t aisle 79!”

Daughter: “Yes, it is. See there? No, mom, up there!” *points* “It says 79.”

(Mother glances at the aisle number, then glances down the aisle without walking in it.)

Mother: “Well, what we’re looking for isn’t down there! I’m sure of that!”

Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “I need a garage door.”

Me: “Okay, our garage doors are back in the millwork department.”

Customer: “No! I don’t need a garage door.”

Me: “Alright…what is it that you need?”

Customer: “I need a garage door!”

Me: “All of our garage door stuff is back in millwork.”

Customer: “But I don’t want a garage door!”

Me: “Is this a door inside your garage?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, all of our doors are going to be back in millwork as well.”

Customer: “BUT I DON’T NEED A GARAGE DOOR!”

Me: “Well, then what is it that you are looking for?”

Customer: “I need a garage door.”

(Hearing the commotion, a coworker shows up.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, what does this item do that you are looking for?”

Customer: “It does this…” *makes a slow opening motion with hand*

Me: “So is it on the door inside your garage?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what does it do?”

Customer: “It does this…” *makes same hand motion*

Coworker: “What exactly does this do?”

Customer: “It keeps the wind out.”

Me: “Okay…is it weather stripping?”

Customer: “No.”

Coworker: “Does it keep the door shut?”

Customer: “Yes. I think it’s a spring!”

(Mystery solved!)

(One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, Ma’am.”

(I walk out of the back room at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you any more!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

Customer: “I need some paint.”

Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

(After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

Customer: “I need something to make a nail go into a piece of wood…you know, to make it stay where I’m putting it.”

Me: “…a hammer, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, is that what you would recommend?”

Me: “Uh…yeah.”

Customer: “Great, show me where they are!”

(A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)

Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”

Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”

Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”

Related: Not Quite Getting What “Return” Means

(Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

Me: “Uh, no sir?”

Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

(I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental

(I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
stripes magically appear?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*