Her Lips Are Sealed And Waterproof

| WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am shopping for shelf brackets at a hardware store and I overhear this conversation between a nervous-looking woman and an apron-clad store assistant.)

Woman: “Yes, hi, I need to replace the edges of my bathtub. Could you tell me which aisle has those?”

Assistant: “Well, we have bathroom units and tub liners that cover your bath and give it a new surface. I can show you where those are, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No, no, no. I don’t want a new bathtub. I just need to… there are some cracks and old spots around the edges that I just need to, um, reseal.”

Assistant: “Oh, well if you want to touch up cracks or worn places in the finish, I’d really suggest having a professional come look at it. We have the primer and finish here, but it’s not the easiest job for one person.”

Woman: *visibly flustered and fidgeting with her pocketbook* “No, it’s not the paint that needs to be fixed; it’s the edges near the wall. I need to seal them so I don’t get mold in the walls.”

Assistant: *I see his brow furrow as I sneak a peek at the odd conversation* “So something to waterproof the inside edges? Do you mean caulk?”

Woman: *turns an alarmingly bright red and stares at him for a few seconds with wide eyes before whispering* “Yes, that.”

Assistant: *looking amused, but stays professional* “No problem, ma’am, the waterproofing sealant is this way. In fact, we have some products that prevent mildew, so you don’t have to worry about your walls.”

(They walk off and I giggle to myself. The poor woman, around fifty years old but still too embarrassed to say ‘caulk’!)

You’ll Pay For That Assumption

| USA | Money

(I’m at the end of a transaction with a woman in her late twenties. A prompt comes up on my register saying the customer gets a rebate for something she bought and it gives a choice of how to send the rebate in: through the mail or online.)

Me: “You have a rebate for the batteries you bought. Would you like to get it through the mail—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “I don’t want it.”

Me: “You don’t want the re—”

Customer:  *cutting me off again* “I don’t want it.”

(At this point I have to make a selection on the screen so she can get her receipt and leave.)

Me: “A rebate means you get money back.”

Customer: “…Oh! I want that.”

Me: “Figured you would.”

This Conversation Plunges To Lower Depths

| Canada | Language & Words

(A customer comes up to my till with a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Hello! How’s your day going?”

Customer: “S***ty. Pun intended.”

Electric Sense Of Humor

| IL, USA | Technology

(I work in the electrical department of a hardware store. I’m a young male with pretty long hair, so sometimes the customers don’t want my help with electrical questions, as they believe me to be too young to know what I’m talking about, even though I also work as an electrician. A middle-aged woman approaches me and impatiently knocks on the desk to get my attention.)

Woman: “I need help with some wiring my husband is doing at home.”

Me: “Sure thing. What exactly did you need help with?”

Woman: “I have some questions.”

Me: “If you’d like to explain the project to me, I’d be happy to answer any of your questions.”

Woman: *looks me up and down* “No, I need someone who knows what they’re doing.”

Me: “I’m certain I can help you if you’d like to explain the problems you’re having.”

Woman: “No, I’d like you to call somebody else over.”

Me: *seeing this is going nowhere, I get on the store intercom* “Guest assistance needed at the electrical desk, please. Guest assistance at the electrical desk.” *to woman* “Someone will be right with you.”

(I go back to reading the Sunday ad while she waits. About 60 seconds later I look up.)

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. You needed some help in electrical?”

(The woman just looked at me in astonishment and stormed away.)

Male, Female, All Hose

| New London, MN, USA | Home Improvement

(I am a female working in a hardware store, so I get a lot of grief from male customers who think they are smarter than me.)

Elderly Gentleman: “I need to get a new end for my garden hose.”

(I show him to the section where we carry hose repair parts.)

Me: “Do you know what size hose it is?”

Elderly Gentleman: “A regular one.”

Me: “Sir, they come in various diameters, usually from 1/2 up to 7/8.”

(He pulls a section of the hose out of his jacket pocket.)

Me: “That helps me a lot! Which end do you need? The male or female?”

(I have somewhat grown out of giggling to myself over those words.)

Elderly Gentleman: “The female. That’s the end that you put the nozzle on.”

Me: “No, you put the female end on the faucet. The male end is for the nozzle or sprinkler.”

Elderly Gentleman: “No, you’re mistaken, miss. It’s the female end for the nozzle.”

(I have dealt with this issue many times, and I pull out the visual aid.)

Me: “Sir, male goes into female. Just like people.”

(I use my index finger to show the male end going into the female circle I made with my other index finger and thumb. He pauses and looks at me like I slapped him with a fish.)

Elderly Gentleman: “By God, you’re right!”

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