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    No Gastric Pain, No Gain

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

    Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

    Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

    Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

    Me: “I guess it would…”

    Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

    | Toronto, ON Canada |

    (This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not very good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

    Me: “…uh…no?”

    Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

    Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

    Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

    Brawn Over Brains

    | Virginia, USA |

    (One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [fitness club]. Can I help you?”

    Gym member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

    (The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

    Gym member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

    Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

    Gym member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”

    If At First You Don’t Survive…

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you guys offer swimming lessons there?”

    Me: “Yes we do; our next session starts in 2 weeks.”

    Caller: “Do they teach you how to swim in those classes?”

    Me: “Um, yes… they’re swimming lessons.”

    Caller: “Okay, because I drowned last time I tried to take them.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry.”

    Taking “No Pain, No Gain” Too Far

    | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (The power generator for the gym had a moderate fire, effectively shutting off all of the power inside. Because the PA system is dead, the employees sweep the gym and escort all of the members outside.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we need to evacuate. There’s been a minor emergency.”

    Gym member: “What? Why?”

    Me: “There’s been an emergency. Everyone has to leave.”

    Gym member: “I need to finish this set! I’ll be out in a minute! ”

    Me: “Yeah, I’ll just tell the fire to wait for you, then. ”

    (Meanwhile, firetrucks are approaching the building, and the sirens can be clearly heard.)

    Gym member: “This is ridiculous! I’m gonna talk to management! Where are they?!”

    Me: “Outside, because there’s a fire.”

    Gym member: “… let me get my water.”


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