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    This. Is. High Bar-ta.

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I coach an Advanced Recreational group of kids aged 11-14. I’m spotting one of the boys on the high bar when his arm slips and he elbows me in the face.)

    Me: “Thanks. Please try not to do that again.”

    Child: “Sorry!” *laughs*

    (He tries it again, and elbows me in the face again. This time, my lip is bleeding so I go over to the door to spit the blood out of my mouth into the garbage. As I’m doing this, one of the dads that is watching from the lobby runs in.)

    Dad: “That was freakin’ amazing!”

    Me: “What was?”

    Dad: “From the lobby, it looked like he elbowed you in the face, you thanked him and asked him for another. Then you came and spat your blood into the garbage as a show of dominance over the rest of them. FRICKIN’ AWESOME!” *high fives me*

    Night Of The Loving Dead

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

    Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “Um, what?”

    Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “And why would you think that?”

    Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

    Me: “Narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

    Me: “Necrophiliac.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    (I tell him.)

    Customer: “Oh God NO!”

    Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (Note: I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

    Gym member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

    Gym member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

    Gym member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

    Gym member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Gym member: “Oh, you’re welcome sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”

    No Gastric Pain, No Gain

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

    Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

    Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

    Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

    Me: “I guess it would…”

    Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

    | Toronto, ON Canada |

    (This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not very good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

    Me: “…uh…no?”

    Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

    Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

    Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

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