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    Night Of The Loving Dead

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

    Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “Um, what?”

    Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “And why would you think that?”

    Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

    Me: “Narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

    Me: “Necrophiliac.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    (I tell him.)

    Customer: “Oh God NO!”

    Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (Note: I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

    Gym member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

    Gym member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

    Gym member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

    Gym member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Gym member: “Oh, you’re welcome sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”

    No Gastric Pain, No Gain

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

    Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

    Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

    Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

    Me: “I guess it would…”

    Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

    | Toronto, ON Canada |

    (This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not very good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

    Me: “…uh…no?”

    Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

    Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

    Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

    Brawn Over Brains

    | Virginia, USA |

    (One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [fitness club]. Can I help you?”

    Gym member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

    (The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

    Gym member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

    Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

    Gym member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”


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