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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Downgraded Membership

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (Note: I’m 19 and go to college.)

    Customer: “Oh, I think you have class with my daughter, Kayla.”

    Me: “I don’t think I know her. What year is she?”

    Customer: “10th.”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “10th grade.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m in college.”

    Customer: “Sure you are, sweetie.” *winks*

    New Years Resolution: Get A Brain

    | Virginia, USA |

    Customer: “What are your hours for New Years?”

    Me: “We will be closing at 4pm on New Year’s Eve.”

    Customer: “Do you have something with those times on it?”

    Me: “If you go over to the bulletin board by the door there is a sign with the hours.”

    Customer: “This sign says December 31, but nothing about New Year’s Eve!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, New Year’s Eve is December 31.”

    Customer: “That’s not right! I asked for the hours on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re trying to trick me by giving me the hours for December 31!”

    Me: “No, New Year’s Eve is just the name of the holiday that occurs on December 31.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “Here, look at the calendar. See, if you look at December 31, it says ‘Holiday: New Year’s Eve’.”

    Customer: “What is this? I don’t want any part of your liberal anti-holiday conspiracy!”

    This. Is. High Bar-ta.

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I coach an Advanced Recreational group of kids aged 11-14. I’m spotting one of the boys on the high bar when his arm slips and he elbows me in the face.)

    Me: “Thanks. Please try not to do that again.”

    Child: “Sorry!” *laughs*

    (He tries it again, and elbows me in the face again. This time, my lip is bleeding so I go over to the door to spit the blood out of my mouth into the garbage. As I’m doing this, one of the dads that is watching from the lobby runs in.)

    Dad: “That was freakin’ amazing!”

    Me: “What was?”

    Dad: “From the lobby, it looked like he elbowed you in the face, you thanked him and asked him for another. Then you came and spat your blood into the garbage as a show of dominance over the rest of them. FRICKIN’ AWESOME!” *high fives me*

    Night Of The Loving Dead

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.)

    Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “Um, what?”

    Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.”

    Me: “And why would you think that?”

    Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.”

    Me: “Narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.”

    Customer: “Right. What did I say?”

    Me: “Necrophiliac.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    (I tell him.)

    Customer: “Oh God NO!”

    Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (Note: I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

    Gym member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

    Gym member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

    Gym member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

    Gym member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Gym member: “Oh, you’re welcome sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”


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