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    What. The. F***.

    | Knoxville, TN, USA |

    (I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

    Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

    Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

    Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

    Me: “Would I… what?”

    Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

    Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

    Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

    Male caller: “Would you?”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

    Male caller: *click*

    Too Much Of A Good Thing

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”

    Me: “You bought too many cones?”

    Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the g**d**n manager!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”

    (I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)

    Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”

    She Who Wears The Pants

    | Dover, DE, USA |

    Customer: “… and I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, he doesn’t.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “You don’t need them.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, you don’t.”

    Me: “No offense, sir, but she’s scarier than you are.”

    Customer’s wife: “D*** straight!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Be Careful What You Ask For

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a wheat sandwich, with everything you like in it.”

    Me: “Um, sir… you will be the one eating the sandwich, not me.”

    Customer: “I SAID I wanted a wheat sandwich with whatever YOU like in it.”

    Me: “Um… what kind of meat?”

    Customer: “Didn’t you just hear what I said? WHEAT SANDWICH WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT ON IT!”

    (I make the sandwich for the customer.)

    Customer: “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?!” *walks away*

    Coworker: “So… you like extra mustard and everything on it, especially jalapenos?”

    Me: *smiling* “I don’t like mustard, I don’t like hot stuff, and I hope he has a terrible nice time in the bathroom.”

    My Fellow Americans, You Are Crazy

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    Me: “That will be $**.**”

    Customer: “Why’d your prices go up?”

    Me: “Well, the cigarette tax just just went up.”

    Customer: “This sounds illegal.”

    Me: “The state tax on cigarettes just went up. We don’t have control over that.”

    Customer: “I know the President of the United States. ¬†I think I’m gonna give him a call.”

    Me: “Okay… have a nice day.”

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