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    You Just Had To Ask

    | Harrisburg, PA, USA |

    (I work at the customer service desk at a grocery store. One day I had a guy come up and cash a winning lottery ticket for a dollar, and this is what then took place.)

    Me: “There you go. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, uh…I’ve got some dishes to be done, some windows to be washed, and a lawn to be mowed.”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Ha ha, yeah….”

    Customer: *blank stare* “Well…are you gonna help me?”

    Me: still thinking he’s joking* “Ha, well, until **** opens up an At-Home division, I guess I can’t help you out.”

    Customer: “So you’re not gonna help me?”

    Me: *realizing he’s serious* “Well…no, sir. I can’t just leave and go home with you to do chores.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be offering to do something if you don’t plan on going through with it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but-”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Next time, don’t offer if you’re not gonna do it!” *storms off*

    The Produce Section Is Too Deep To Ford

    | Edmonton, Canada |

    (I was a customer observing this exchange.)

    Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

    Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

    Employee: “Er…it’s generally not a very good idea to do that…those aren’t washed.”

    Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

    Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

    Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

    Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

    Customer: *stomps off*

    Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.’”

    Whole Grain, Half A Brain

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (At our natural foods store, a customer swipes her card through the debit machine and is looking at me funny.)

    Customer: “Um… where is the stylus?”

    Me: “This machine doesn’t have one; we have a pen to sign anything. Did you want that as credit?”

    Customer: “No, I want to enter my pin number but I don’t understand how I am supposed to do that with no stylus.”

    Me: “Oh, well… you just press the buttons.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to use my fingers?!”

    Me: “Yes, you use your fingers…”

    Maybe We Should Shellac Them Next Time

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “I’d like to complain about these donuts I bought.”

    Me: “Okay, Madam, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “They’re stale. I bought them, went to eat them and they’re stale! I want my money back!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Let me have a look at them and we’ll sort this out.”

    (I look at the bad donuts.)

    Me: “Ah, I see your problem, Madam. When did you buy these?”

    Customer: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

    Me: “Well, the use by date was about ten days ago which explains why they were stale.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “You have to eat them by the use by date or they’ll go stale. I can’t give you your money back.”

    Customer: “This makes no sense! I didn’t get a chance to eat them so I want my money back!”

    What. The. F***.

    | Knoxville, TN, USA |

    (I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

    Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

    Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

    Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

    Me: “Would I… what?”

    Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

    Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

    Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

    Male caller: “Would you?”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

    Male caller: *click*

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