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    Just Quit While You’re Ahead

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA |

    Me: “You find everything okay today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your face? ¬†Are you okay?”

    Me: “What?¬†What are you talking about?”

    Customer: ¬†”Your jaw! It’s so swollen!”

    Me: “Um… no, I’m just fine.”

    Customer: “Oh… your left jaw is just so huge, I thought, maybe… never mind.”

    Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (It was 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I worked at closed at 6 pm.)

    Customer: ¬†”Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? ¬†I need a 20 pound frozen turkey!”

    Me: ¬†”Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

    Customer: ¬†”Go look in the back! ¬†I know you have some hiding back there.”

    Me: ¬†”Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. ¬†What’s out is all we have.”

    Customer: ¬†”LISTEN! ¬†I NEED A G**D*** 20 POUND TURKEY!¬†GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

    Me: ¬†”There are no more turkeys in the back…”

    Customer: ¬†”I’ll just go look myself!”

    (The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

    Customer: ¬†”GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

    Big Butcher: ¬†”GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”

    And Here, We See The Customer In His Native Habitat

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (I was quietly working down my aisle when a disgruntled man stops at the end and looks at me.)

    Me: *resumes working as he is making no advances*

    Man: “Awwharhaghhsss!”

    Me: *looks up*

    Man: “TOMATO SAUCE!” *angry look*

    Me: “Uhhhh…”

    Man: *furious look*

    Me: “… aisle 10!”

    From Zero To Heathen In 30 Seconds

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    (On this day in the bulk food store I worked in, I was on the floor, scrubbing underneath a bin of nuts. At this point in my life, I had very long hair, and a goatee. An older lady walks by:)

    Older lady: “That’s a good Christian girl… cleaning, and saying her prayers at the same time!”

    *30 seconds later*

    Older lady: “OH! You’re not a girl!”

    Cutting The Cheese 101 Has A Nice Air To It

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (One of my friends works part-time at the deli counter in a grocery store. At one point, a rather well-to-do looking–the word he used was “snooty”–woman and her not-too-bright looking son came up to the counter.)

    Woman: “I’d like one pound of muenster cheese.”

    Friend: “Very well.”

    (He proceeds to slice the cheese on the slicer, and weighs it out; it’s .97 pounds. He attempts to hand it to her.)

    Woman: “That’s NOT a pound of cheese.”

    (Slightly perturbed, he slices another slice of cheese and places it on top of the existing pile. It is not 1.02 pounds of cheese. Again, she sighs and appears indignant.)

    Woman: “Is that including the paper?”

    (He then peels the slice in half and puts the half slice on the pile; it’s .99 pounds now. At this point, the woman leans over to her less-than-brilliant-looking son, and whispers, loud enough for my friend to hear:)

    Woman: “This is why you go to college.”

    (It should be mentioned, at this point, that my friend goes to an Ivy League school.)


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