Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

(I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

Customer: “Fine, b****!”

(He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due

| Orlando, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Your total is $79.82.”

(The customer hands me her debit card.)

Me: “Slide your card in the machine please.”

Customer: “I already did.”

Me: “Did you really? It doesn’t say you did.”

Customer: “It’s talking to you? I think it’s lying!”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you slide it again.”

Customer: “Fine.” *slides card*

Me: “Select a ‘Payment Type’.”

Customer: “What is that?”

Me: “The type of card you are using.”

Customer: “Oh, debit.”

Me: “Okay. Push debit.”

Customer: “What is a PIN?”

Me: “The 4 digit password.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

Me: “I don’t know ma’am. It’s supposed to be private.”

Customer: “Oh, well, just whisper it…I won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Just press credit.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “But I didn’t type in my PIN number.”

Me: “It’s fine ma’am. You are done.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(Customer sees my manager as she is leaving.)

Customer: “That young lady was wonderful! She gave me free groceries.”

He Scolds Sea Shells By The Seafood Store

| Portland, ME, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?”

Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right?

Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.”

Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*

An Abundance Of Nuttiness

| Pompano Beach, FL, USA | Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [grocery store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale–buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store.

Customer: “What do I do with it?!”

Me: “Put it on a sandwich?”

Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.”

Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Customer: “What do I do with the peanut butter?!”

Me: “I don’t know, make cookies with it? Give a jar to a friend? Donate to a homeless shelter?”

Customer: “Are you crazy?! I paid good money for this stuff. I’m not going to just give it away. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!”

10 Little Pints Of Joy

| Florida, USA | Top

(A guy comes into my register with a pretty standard basket of groceries.)

Me: “Sir, did you only get one pint of Ben and Jerry’s?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, it’s ‘Buy one, Get one free’ this week.”

Customer: “Hold on.” *runs off and returns a minute later with 9 more pints*

Me: “You must really like Ben and Jerry’s, huh?”

Customer: “I have a pregnant wife.”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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