Death Goes Shopping

| Philadelphia, PA, USA |

(We are having a big sale on lobsters and I’m standing behind an open case of them.)

Customer: “Are these alive?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, they’re all alive.”

(The customer picks one up that is moving and violently shakes it.)

Customer: “This one isn’t!”

Me: “That’s because you just killed it, ma’am.”

Customer: “How dare you accuse me of that!” *violently throws the lobster back into the case and storms off*

But Mommy Says I’m Mature

| Branson, MO, USA |

(A girl comes to my counter with a bottle of wine. She’s clearly underage–about 13 or 14.)

Me: “You can’t buy that, you’re too young.”

Customer: “What?! No! I’m twenty two!”

Me: “I’ll need to see your ID, please.”

Customer: “I left it in my car. ”

Me: “Then you can’t buy this.”

Customer: “Fine, then! I’ll go get my mom and she’ll tell you!”

Me: “Alright, you do that.”

Customer: “MOM!” *runs off*

(She never came back.)

There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

| Miami, FL, USA |

Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

The Featherweight Watchers Program

| Richmond, VA, USA |

Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

(I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

Brainless Through The Looking Glass

| Greensboro, NC, USA | Top

(I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

(She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

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