When Good Onions Go Bad

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(At the natural foods store where I work, we cater to a lot of people with food allergies. I overhear this conversation between two customers:)

Customer 1: “I have a mild case of celiac disease. It’s always so tempting to just eat a little bit of bread or cookies, but I regret it so much later!”

Customer 2: “Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I love onions, but I’m terribly sensitive to them. They make me suicidal!”

Customer 1: *laughs* “I’m sure they’re not that bad!”

Customer 2: “Very much so! I can tell when I accidentally eat some because my thoughts turn dark. I hallucinated the bacon had a gun and wanted revenge!”

Two Heads Of Lettuce Are Better Than One

| Tennessee, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m checking out a grocery store customer. Everything seems normal until she heads to the bagging area.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t have a bagger right now.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine, I can bag!” *pause* “Would you like paper or plastic, ma’am?” *pause* “I’d like paper, please, thank you.”

(I glance over at the woman from the corner of my eyes.)

Customer: “I love your shirt!” *pause* “Thank you!”

(I continue checking out the lady’s order.)

Customer: “Oh, miss, you’re going too fast. Please slow down!”

(I turn off my conveyor belt and continue to ring up her items.)

Customer: “No, stop going so fast!”

(I slow down for the last four items and then give her the total. The customer comes to the credit card machine to pay.)

Customer: “Thank you, you’re such a wonderful cashier! We’ll have to remember to come through your line next time!”

It’s All In Your Head

| Texas, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.”

(I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.)

Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”

Military Intelligence, Part 4

| Vancouver, Canada | Uncategorized

(A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

Me: “Could I see your ID please?”

(The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

Customer: “It’s my military ID…”

Related:
Military Intelligence, Part 3
Military Intelligence, Part 2
Military Intelligence, Part 1

An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

Related:
An Abundance Of Nuttiness

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