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    Picky Python

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A lady comes in with an 8-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

    Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

    Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

    Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

    Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

    Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

    Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served, unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

    Customer: “You’re crazy!”

    Me: *calling to manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

    Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

    Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

    Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

    Me: “…”

    Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

    Customer: “I’m going across the street, and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

    (We never saw her again.)

    Eau De Customer

    | Gilford, NH, USA |

    (This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecians in the summer. Usually, they’re a bit standoffish, but polite. This time, not so much.)

    Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

    Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

    Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

    Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

    Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

    Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

    Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

    Paper, Plastic, Horrible, Fantastic

    | Burlington, MA |

    Me: “Did you need a bag for that?”

    Customer: “Yes… oh, do you have plastic? Can I have one?”

    Me: “Sure.” *hands her a plastic bag*

    Customer: “I thought you guys were like Whole Foods. They got rid of all their plastic bags.”

    Me: “Well, I know they’re trying to ban plastic bags in Boston…”

    Customer: *suddenly agitated* “A company shouldn’t need a law to do the right thing!”

    Me: “Oh… we keep ours because some of our customers still prefer plastic bags over paper.”

    Customer: *suddenly nice* “Oh I know! I got one!”

    Clarity Is Key

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

    Customer: “Fish.”

    Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

    Customer: “Dead fish.”

    Me: “…”

    And On This Farm He Had My Dinner

    | Geilo, Norway |

    Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

    Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

    Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

    Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

    Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

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