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    I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

    | Towson, MD, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things, we sell food.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

    (He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

    Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

    (I call the manager, who walks over.)

    Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least…carrots.”

    Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

    Customer: *walks out*

    You’re Only As Old As You Act

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

    Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

    Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

    Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

    (She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

    Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

    Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

    Me: “…”

    Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Stuffing

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: *ordering stuffing*” I want that container, that one in the middle, yep.”

    Me: “Do you want this whole thing full?”

    Customer: “Oh god, no. I want a little more than a half… but a little less than a third. Not too much.”

    I Say Tomato, You Say Purple Shtinkelfurter

    | Leeds, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, do you have any of them Red Rushkies?”

    Coworker: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “You know, Red Rushkies?”

    Coworker: “Err… no, I’m sorry. I don’t think we stock those.”

    Customer: “Yeah you do, I buy them here all the time! Where are they?”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything called ‘Red Rushkies’ here.”

    Customer: *sighs* “I’ll find them myself.”

    (There’s a pause of a few minutes, and then the customer comes back with a bag of raw peanuts.)

    Customer: “There you go!”

    Coworker: “Oh! Peanuts?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That’s what I said!”

    Picky Python

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A lady comes in with an 8-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

    Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

    Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

    Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

    Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

    Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

    Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served, unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

    Customer: “You’re crazy!”

    Me: *calling to manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

    Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

    Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

    Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

    Me: “…”

    Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

    Customer: “I’m going across the street, and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

    (We never saw her again.)

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