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    H2O: The Dampening

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (Per our closing procedures, I have to mop the edges of the aisles every night before we close.)

    Customer: “You know, it’s very wet.”

    Me: “Yes, that is a common characteristic of water.”

    Customer: “Well, isn’t there anything you can do about it?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, there are caution signs all around the store to tell you it might be slippery.”

    Customer: “But can’t you do something to make the water less wet?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we’ve run out of our dry water, and only have the wet kind left.”

    Customer: “Well, you should order more.”

    Now Serving: Poopsicles

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA |

    (Note: we’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Old man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… oh, here it is!”

    (He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

    Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

    (The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

    Old man: “That’s cold… where’s the toilet paper?”

    Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

    (Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened.)

    Live Culture Club

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (A man walks up to the service desk and wants to return his yogurt.)

    Me: “Sure – is it expired?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you just need a different flavor or something?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “All right, what’s the reason for returning it?”

    Customer: *shakes the yogurt* “Listen to that!” *shakes it again near my ear* “Doesn’t sound right!”

    Me: “I see…”

    Customer: “Yogurt shouldn’t sound like that.”

    Your Infrastructure Dollars At Work

    | Lee's Summit, MO, USA |

    (Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)

    Me: “Do you have your [customer] card?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls, I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

    Me: “Oh yeah?”

    Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

    Ed Begley Jr. Starts To Cut Back

    | Brookfield, WI, USA |

    Me: “Would you like paper or plastic?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’d like one of those nice canvas bags, please.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, one of those reusable canvas bags. Like the ones that she’s got!” *points to the next customer in line*

    Me: “Uh, well, we don’t have those here, unfortunately. All we’ve got is paper or plastic. If you want a canvas bag, you’d have to buy one and bring it yourself.”

    Customer: “What a load of crap! Why should I want to save the environment if I have to pay to do it?!”

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