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    A Bag Of Chipocrisy

    | Canton, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yes miss, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

    Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

    Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

    Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

    Customer: “Oh well, here you go.”

    (She then sticks her hand in the bag, pulls out a handful of chips, hands me the bag, and then walks away.)

    Me: “…”

    I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

    | Towson, MD, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things, we sell food.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

    (He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

    Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

    (I call the manager, who walks over.)

    Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least…carrots.”

    Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

    Customer: *walks out*

    You’re Only As Old As You Act

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

    Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

    Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

    Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

    (She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

    Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

    Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

    Me: “…”

    Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Stuffing

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: *ordering stuffing*” I want that container, that one in the middle, yep.”

    Me: “Do you want this whole thing full?”

    Customer: “Oh god, no. I want a little more than a half… but a little less than a third. Not too much.”

    I Say Tomato, You Say Purple Shtinkelfurter

    | Leeds, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, do you have any of them Red Rushkies?”

    Coworker: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “You know, Red Rushkies?”

    Coworker: “Err… no, I’m sorry. I don’t think we stock those.”

    Customer: “Yeah you do, I buy them here all the time! Where are they?”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything called ‘Red Rushkies’ here.”

    Customer: *sighs* “I’ll find them myself.”

    (There’s a pause of a few minutes, and then the customer comes back with a bag of raw peanuts.)

    Customer: “There you go!”

    Coworker: “Oh! Peanuts?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That’s what I said!”

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