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    Whole Grain, Half A Brain

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (At our natural foods store, a customer swipes her card through the debit machine and is looking at me funny.)

    Customer: “Um… where is the stylus?”

    Me: “This machine doesn’t have one; we have a pen to sign anything. Did you want that as credit?”

    Customer: “No, I want to enter my pin number but I don’t understand how I am supposed to do that with no stylus.”

    Me: “Oh, well… you just press the buttons.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to use my fingers?!”

    Me: “Yes, you use your fingers…”

    Maybe We Should Shellac Them Next Time

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “I’d like to complain about these donuts I bought.”

    Me: “Okay, Madam, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “They’re stale. I bought them, went to eat them and they’re stale! I want my money back!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Let me have a look at them and we’ll sort this out.”

    (I look at the bad donuts.)

    Me: “Ah, I see your problem, Madam. When did you buy these?”

    Customer: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

    Me: “Well, the use by date was about ten days ago which explains why they were stale.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “You have to eat them by the use by date or they’ll go stale. I can’t give you your money back.”

    Customer: “This makes no sense! I didn’t get a chance to eat them so I want my money back!”

    What. The. F***.

    | Knoxville, TN, USA |

    (I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

    Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

    Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

    Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

    Me: “Would I… what?”

    Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

    Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

    Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

    Male caller: “Would you?”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

    Male caller: *click*

    Too Much Of A Good Thing

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”

    Me: “You bought too many cones?”

    Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the g**d**n manager!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”

    (I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)

    Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”

    She Who Wears The Pants

    | Dover, DE, USA |

    Customer: “… and I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, he doesn’t.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “You don’t need them.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, you don’t.”

    Me: “No offense, sir, but she’s scarier than you are.”

    Customer’s wife: “D*** straight!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.


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