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    No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

    | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

    (This happened on my first day of the job.)

    Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

    Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

    Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

    Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

    Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

    Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

    (Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

    Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

    Me: “I know, let me just–”

    Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

    Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

    Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

    (He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

    Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

    Me: “…”

    It Only Goes Downhill From Here

    | Bedford, IN, USA |

    (I’ve just finished bagging a man’s groceries in two paper bags.)

    Me: “Have a great night!”

    Customer: “Paper bags? NEVER bag my groceries in paper bags!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “If you ever do this again, I’ll kill you! I’ll blow your head off! I have guns!”

    Me: “…”

    (Two weeks later, the store hired him. I quit.)

    Dog Tested, Employee Approved

    | Tartu, Estonia |

    (An old lady walks up to the counter.)

    Customer: “Miss, is this dog sausage salty?”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think so, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Are you SURE?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Dog sausages are mainly made without salt.”

    Customer: “It better not be salty, because my dog does not eat any salty stuff.”

    Me: “It’s not salty, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But are you SURE? Have you TASTED it?!”

    H2O: The Dampening

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (Per our closing procedures, I have to mop the edges of the aisles every night before we close.)

    Customer: “You know, it’s very wet.”

    Me: “Yes, that is a common characteristic of water.”

    Customer: “Well, isn’t there anything you can do about it?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, there are caution signs all around the store to tell you it might be slippery.”

    Customer: “But can’t you do something to make the water less wet?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we’ve run out of our dry water, and only have the wet kind left.”

    Customer: “Well, you should order more.”

    Now Serving: Poopsicles

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA |

    (Note: we’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Old man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… oh, here it is!”

    (He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

    Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

    (The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

    Old man: “That’s cold… where’s the toilet paper?”

    Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

    (Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened.)

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