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    Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket…

    | Brookfield, WI, USA |

    (I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

    Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”

    Customer Service Saves Another Life

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?”

    Me: “A good amount, why?”

    Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?”

    Customer: “Yes, why?”

    Me: “Because it could very well kill him.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: *nodding*

    Customer: “Oh…”

    I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I was monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding a cilantro angrily waved me over.)

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ – cilantro is spelled with a ‘C’.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

    Me: “…”

    Paranoia In The W.C.

    | Grayson, KY, USA |

    (I was just about to clean the ladies room, when a female customer walked up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how do you lock this door?”

    Me: “There’s no lock on the door, but there’s stalls in there.”

    Customer: “But, what if someone tries watching me? I want to know I’m safe from voyeurs.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure nobody will be watching.”

    Customer: “What about the men’s room? Is there a lock over there?”

    Me: “Well, there’s a stall in there, but there’s two in this one.”

    Customer: “But, no lock?”

    Me: “Would it help if I stood guard?”

    Customer: *now yelling* “Oh? So, you think you can get a little peep show?! Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t tolerate a pervert in my midst! I’ll take my business elsewhere, and you’re getting reported for harassment!”

    Me: “But, I–”

    Customer: “Good day!” *storms out*

    Manager: *listening from his office* “What was that all about?!”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name

    | Portage, MI, USA |

    (I’m carrying out grocery bags for a middle-aged guy.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “I’m good, you?”

    Me: “I’m good, glad that it’s not snowing at the moment.”

    Customer: “So, your name is ***, right?

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m going to call you Samantha.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “So, how are you today, Sammy?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Sammy? Samantha? How are you?”

    Me: “Um…I’m good…” *walks away*


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