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    It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA |

    Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

    Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

    Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

    Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

    Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

    Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

    A Vanessa By Any Other Name

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

    Customer: “Vanessa…Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

    Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

    Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

    Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

    Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

    Me: “Thank you, but–”

    Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!’”

    Me: “Um, something like that…”

    Customer: “Well, you have a great day Vanessa!”

    Stupidity On Tap

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    (I get a phone call at about 8:00pm on a weeknight. The caller is a young man, and in the background I hear music and hysterical giggling.)

    Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

    Me: “9 o’clock tonight.”

    Caller: “Oh s***! Umm…OK, can you just ring me up for a keg with my credit card, and then leave it outside?”

    Me: “…the keg?”

    Caller: “Yeah.”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “What? Why?!”

    Me: “…for a variety of reasons.”

    Tell Jesus It’s Time To Rise And Shine…Again

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (After each holiday, our store marks down all the related holiday inventory. This particular incident occurred about a week after Easter.)

    Customer: “I was looking for some paper plates to match these napkins with the cute little bunnies and eggs on them.”

    Me: “There weren’t any plates that matched those back there?”

    Customer: “No! It’s ridiculous! I mean, how can you be out of Easter stuff?”

    Me: “Well, Easter was last week. Most of the stuff is gone.”

    Customer: “Do you know when the next shipment of these Easter plates will be?”

    Me: “…next Easter?”

    Customer: “You’re not going to get any new Easter shipments till NEXT Easter?! Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Because…Easter is over? I don’t think we’re expecting anyone to celebrate Easter until it comes around again.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I should be able to celebrate Easter when I want! I’m only buying these so I’m stocked up for next year at a quarter of the price!”

    Me: “…”

    America’s Next Top Model Customer

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (The cashier I was bagging for is a very pretty blonde girl who likes to make herself up, while I’m a fairly plain and simple girl.)

    Customer: *to cashier* “Oh, my, you’re beautiful! You’ll have it made; you’ll have everything you’ll ever wanted. You’ll do well in life.”

    (The customer then looks at me and pauses.)

    Customer: “…you? You’ll do all right…”

    Me: “…”

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