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  • An Abundance Of Nuttiness

    | Pompano Beach, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [grocery store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale–buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store.

    Customer: “What do I do with it?!”

    Me: “Put it on a sandwich?”

    Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!”

    Me: “Ma’am–”

    Customer: “What do I do with the peanut butter?!”

    Me: “I don’t know, make cookies with it? Give a jar to a friend? Donate to a homeless shelter?”

    Customer: “Are you crazy?! I paid good money for this stuff. I’m not going to just give it away. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!”

    10 Little Pints Of Joy

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (A guy comes into my register with a pretty standard basket of groceries.)

    Me: “Sir, did you only get one pint of Ben and Jerry’s?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Well, it’s ‘Buy one, Get one free’ this week.”

    Customer: “Hold on.” *runs off and returns a minute later with 9 more pints*

    Me: “You must really like Ben and Jerry’s, huh?”

    Customer: “I have a pregnant wife.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    (Glow)Stick of Bread

    | Kaiserslautern, Germany |

    (This happened a long time ago, not long after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. I am marking bags of bread with large black X’s.)

    Customer: “What are the X’s?”

    Me: “The bread marked with an X is a day old, so it is half price.”

    Customer: “The X means it’s contaminated by Chernobyl, doesn’t it?”

    Me: “Nope. Just a day old.”

    Customer: *Winking and nodding.* “Riiight. Day-old. Gotcha.”

    (A couple minutes later the manager comes and tells me to help the frozen food crew empty a freezer that has stopped working. As we are loading the frozen food into carts to take it back to the walk-in freezer, the same customer wanders by. Her eyes suddenly get very wide.)

    Customer: “S***! Is there anything here that isn’t radioactive?”

    (The customer hastily exits the store, leaving her cart of presumably radioactive groceries behind.)

    When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

    | Ohio, USA |

    (A grocery store customer points to ‘fat free’ on a gallon of ice cream.)

    Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

    Me: “No sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

    Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

    Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it then.”

    Death Goes Shopping

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (We are having a big sale on lobsters and I’m standing behind an open case of them.)

    Customer: “Are these alive?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, they’re all alive.”

    (The customer picks one up that is moving and violently shakes it.)

    Customer: “This one isn’t!”

    Me: “That’s because you just killed it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “How dare you accuse me of that!” *violently throws the lobster back into the case and storms off*

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