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  • A Squeaky Clean Record

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Top

    (The junior college near my grocery store has some guy who makes very good fake IDs. After a couple of months, we’ve become adept at spotting them. One night, a young customer tries to pass one on me.)

    Me: “Wow, this is a really good fake.”

    (The customer’s eyes go wide and she squeaks in terror.)

    Me: “How old are you, really?”

    Customer: *squeaks again*

    Me: “Sorry, say again?”

    Customer: “Seventeen?”

    Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. But this is a really good fake. How much did you pay for this?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Two fifty?”

    Me: “You paid two hundred and fifty dollars for this?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “Well, I feel kinda bad that you’re losing all that money, so I’m not gonna call the police. However, I have to confiscate your ID, okay?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “You have a nice night now.”

    Customer: *squeaks one last time and runs from the store*

    Attack Of The Cownivores

    , | Hawarden, IA, USA | Top

    (Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

    Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

    Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

    Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

    Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

    One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Half-Measure

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

    Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

    (The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

    Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

    Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

    (The customer gives me the check.)

    Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

    (I go and get my manager.)

    Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

    Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

    (The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

    Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

    Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”

    Ungratefully Gratis

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    (I work customer service for a grocery store chain. One day, I’m bagging groceries for a customer when his chicken rings up for $4.99/pound.)

    Customer: “I don’t think that price is right. The chicken is supposed to be half off this week.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, let me go check…”

    (I head back to the meat department and see that he is right. Our store policy is that if an item rings up higher than it’s advertised price, it’s free. I go back to the cashier and tell him to void it.)

    Me: “Congratulations, sir. You just got some free chicken.”

    Customer: “What? Why?”

    Me: “Because the item rang up the wrong price, and it’s our policy to give it to you for free.”

    Customer: “But doesn’t that affect your inventory? How do you keep track of that?”

    Me: “We don’t. Our main concern is that the customer is treated fairly.”

    Customer: “But that must cause some kind of problem!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is the way we’ve done it for years.”

    Customer: “That’s the problem with Americans these days! If it doesn’t affect me, why should I bother?! That’s all they care about!” *pays for the rest if his groceries and leaves in a huff*

    Related:
    Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    When Good Onions Go Bad

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    (At the natural foods store where I work, we cater to a lot of people with food allergies. I overhear this conversation between two customers:)

    Customer 1: “I have a mild case of celiac disease. It’s always so tempting to just eat a little bit of bread or cookies, but I regret it so much later!”

    Customer 2: “Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I love onions, but I’m terribly sensitive to them. They make me suicidal!”

    Customer 1: *laughs* “I’m sure they’re not that bad!”

    Customer 2: “Very much so! I can tell when I accidentally eat some because my thoughts turn dark. I hallucinated the bacon had a gun and wanted revenge!”

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