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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Best. Grandpa. Ever.

    | Portland, ME, USA | Top

    (I work at a small grocery store owned by my Grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

    Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

    Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind open your jacket up?”

    Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

    (The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

    Customer: “GET OFF!”

    (My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

    Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

    (He put the beer down.)

    At Least They Made It To The Paper Anniversary

    | Greensboro, NC, USA |

    (I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

    Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

    Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

    (As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

    Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

    A Sign Of A Long Day

    | Mississauga, ON, Canada | Top

    (Note: I am a self-checkout attendant.)

    Customer: “Miss, my debit card doesn’t seem to be working.”

    Me: “Are you sure you’re swiping it the right way?”

    Customer: “Which way is the right way?”

    Me: “Stripe facing outward.”

    Customer: “Miss, it’s still not working!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that debit machine is currently out of order.”

    Customer: “I want to use this one. Why isn’t this one working?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we called tech support. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to suspend your order and–”

    Customer: “It’s your responsibility to put up signs if something isn’t working! I want to speak to your store manager.”

    Me: “There’s no sign on that machine? I’m sure I put them up just a couple of minutes ago.”

    Customer: “Do you SEE a sign?”

    (I walk over to the machine, and see the sign laying by the customers feet on the floor. It was clearly ripped off of the machine, as it’s half torn.)

    Me: “Hmm, I’m terribly sorry sir. It seems someone ripped the sign off.”

    Customer: “Yeah, that was me.”

    Me: “Can I ask why?”

    Customer: “No, you can’t.”

    Me: “Why would you use this machine is you had seen and read the sign, stating that the debit machine wasn’t working?”

    Customer: “Because there was no sign!”

    Me: “But you ripped the sign off.”

    Customer: “Yeah, so now that it’s not there anymore the debit machine should be working! Forget this! I’m going to another store!”

    It Was A Love/Hate/Poison Relationship

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Hello. How do you have strawberries so late in the season?”

    Me: “They are a special breed called Everbearing. They last until the frost comes.”

    Customer: “How did they get such a breed?”

    Me: “Well, they bred them especially for this.”

    Customer: “So they were genetically modified? That causes cancer!”

    Me: “I’m sure they won’t give you cancer. There are other things that cause cancer, but–”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what causes cancer! Don’t you think I know what causes cancer?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “It’s okay, I’ll take a basket. They’re for my sister.”

    Comically Bad Timing

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, How are you?”

    Customer: “Good, how are you?”

    Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air miles card?”

    Customer: “Yes, Yes I do.”

    (He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)

    Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*

    (The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)

    Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

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