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    There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

    | Miami, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

    Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

    Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

    Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

    Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

    Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

    The Featherweight Watchers Program

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

    Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

    Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

    Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

    Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

    (I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

    Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

    Brainless Through The Looking Glass

    | Greensboro, NC, USA | Top

    (I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

    Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

    Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

    (She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

    Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

    The Clothes Make The Manager

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Top

    (My brother is the manager of a grocery store. Important: they’ve recently switched uniforms from red to blue.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some help?”

    Brother: “Yes, is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for [competitors brand]. Why don’t you have it?”

    Brother: “It’s because only our competitor can sell that.”

    Customer: “That is bull****! I’ve been shopping here for 10 years and you’ve always had that!”

    Brother: “Ma’am, we’ve only been at this location for four years and we don’t sell our competitor’s brand.”

    Customer: “You are compleatly hopeless! I demand to speak to the manager!”

    Brother: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Did you not hear me?! I want to talk to the M-A-N-A-G-E-R!”

    Brother: “Fine, just a sec. I’ll go fetch him.”

    (My brother walks in to the staff area, picks up an old red shirt from a box, puts it on, and walks out.)

    Brother: “Hello ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: *calmly* “Finally. I want to know why you don’t have [competitors brand]?”

    Brother: “Because only our competitor can sell it.”

    Customer: “Oh? I guess I’ll have to go to their store, then. Thanks!”

    When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)

    Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Zip-zip!”

    Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

    Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

    Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

    Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

    Me: “…credit?”

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