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    Two Heads Of Lettuce Are Better Than One

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (I’m checking out a grocery store customer. Everything seems normal until she heads to the bagging area.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t have a bagger right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s fine, I can bag!” *pause* “Would you like paper or plastic, ma’am?” *pause* “I’d like paper, please, thank you.”

    (I glance over at the woman from the corner of my eyes.)

    Customer: “I love your shirt!” *pause* “Thank you!”

    (I continue checking out the lady’s order.)

    Customer: “Oh, miss, you’re going too fast. Please slow down!”

    (I turn off my conveyor belt and continue to ring up her items.)

    Customer: “No, stop going so fast!”

    (I slow down for the last four items and then give her the total. The customer comes to the credit card machine to pay.)

    Customer: “Thank you, you’re such a wonderful cashier! We’ll have to remember to come through your line next time!”

    It’s All In Your Head

    | Texas, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.”

    (I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.)

    Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”

    Military Intelligence, Part 4

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    (A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

    Me: “Could I see your ID please?”

    (The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

    Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

    Customer: “It’s my military ID…”

    Related:
    Military Intelligence, Part 3
    Military Intelligence, Part 2
    Military Intelligence, Part 1

    An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

    Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

    Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

    Related:
    An Abundance Of Nuttiness

    Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

    Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

    Customer: “Fine, b****!”

    (He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

    Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

    Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

    Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

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