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    Military Intelligence, Part 4

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    (A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

    Me: “Could I see your ID please?”

    (The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

    Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

    Customer: “It’s my military ID…”

    Related:
    Military Intelligence, Part 3
    Military Intelligence, Part 2
    Military Intelligence, Part 1

    An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

    Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

    Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

    Related:
    An Abundance Of Nuttiness

    Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

    Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

    Customer: “Fine, b****!”

    (He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

    Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

    Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

    Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

    To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $79.82.”

    (The customer hands me her debit card.)

    Me: “Slide your card in the machine please.”

    Customer: “I already did.”

    Me: “Did you really? It doesn’t say you did.”

    Customer: “It’s talking to you? I think it’s lying!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you slide it again.”

    Customer: “Fine.” *slides card*

    Me: “Select a ‘Payment Type’.”

    Customer: “What is that?”

    Me: “The type of card you are using.”

    Customer: “Oh, debit.”

    Me: “Okay. Push debit.”

    Customer: “What is a PIN?”

    Me: “The 4 digit password.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

    Me: “I don’t know ma’am. It’s supposed to be private.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, just whisper it…I won’t tell anyone.”

    Me: “Just press credit.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “But I didn’t type in my PIN number.”

    Me: “It’s fine ma’am. You are done.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (Customer sees my manager as she is leaving.)

    Customer: “That young lady was wonderful! She gave me free groceries.”

    He Scolds Sea Shells By The Seafood Store

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    (A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?”

    Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right?

    Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.”

    Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*

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