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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Don’t Ask Her What Size She’d Like

    | California, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”

    (I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

    Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

    Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

    Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”

    Customer: “Wait, you do?”

    Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”

    Meet The Frankensteins

    | New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”

    Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”

    Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”

    Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”

    His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated

    | Peterborough, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

    (I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

    Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

    Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”

    (There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

    Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

    Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”

    Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

    Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”

    (He runs out of the store.)

    Winner Of The No-Door-Bell Prize

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Why won’t the door open?”

    Me: “It opens like a normal door. It’s not automatic.”

    Customer: “I don’t get it.”

    Me: “Give it a push.”

    (The customer backs up and tries to ‘activate’ the door again.)

    Customer: “It won’t open!”

    How To Ensure A Blanc Stare

    | Ypsilanti, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A elderly couple come through my counter with some wine.)

    Me: *joking around* “Are you sure you two are old enough to have this tonight?” *holds up wine*

    Customer: “Kid, I have underwear old enough to buy that.”

    Customers Wife: *laughs hysterically*

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