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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Bloody Stupid

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (The previous customer had purchased nineteen whole chickens. The packaging leaked chicken blood/juice onto the cashier belt.)

    Me: “Just one second, ma’am. I’m going to clean the belt off first. There’s a ton of chicken blood on it and it’s pretty nasty.”

    Customer: “Excuse me? Do you think I’m stupid?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite get what you mean.”

    Customer: “I’m not an idiot. A chicken is a bird, and birds don’t bleed!”

    Too Ham Fisted To Realize

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Do you have any kosher ham here?”

    Me: “No, I don’t think there is such a thing.”

    Customer: “Darn it! I’ve been to three stores today, and none of them had it either. My husband’s parents are in town, and they’re Jewish. I wanted to make them dinner.”

    Me: “I don’t think Jews are allowed to eat pig.”

    Customer: “Duh, that’s why I need to get it kosher, so they can eat it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think they make any kosher ham.”

    Customer: “What about pork?”

    Judging Helps You To (Ac)Quit Unhealthy Eating

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A woman comes into my cashier line with a single bag of chips.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “You rang me up last time! Don’t judge me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “You’re judging me! Stop judging me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I was just asking if you found everything.”

    Customer: “Stop judging me!” *begins gasping hysterically*

    Manager: “Ma’am, how can I assist you? What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “She’s judging me! She’s going to call my husband!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have no idea who your husband is. I won’t be calling him.”

    Customer: “You rang me up last time and now you’re judging me!”

    Manager: “What did she say to you?”

    Customer: “Nothing! But she knows I bought these chips yesterday!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I may have rung you up yesterday, but I don’t recall doing so. I handle hundreds of transactions.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! You know I bought these chips and you know that I’ve eaten the whole bag already and you’re going to call my husband! I was going to sneak these into the house so he wouldn’t know I’d finished the bag but you’re judging me!”

    More Than Mildly Confused

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to buy some sausages.”

    Me: “Okay. We have about 15 different kinds, so which would you like?

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the mild, medium, and hot?”

    Me: “You mean in the price?”

    Customer: “No, in flavor.”

    Me: “One is mild, one is medium, and one is hot.”

    Customer: “So, which is the hottest?”

    Me: “The hot.”

    Customer: “…and the mild is hotter than medium?”

    Me: “No. The mild is the least hot, the medium is a bit hotter than that, and the hot has the most pepper.”

    Customer: “So the mild is mild?”

    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 2

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I am checking out a man with a thick southern accent.)

    Me: “How would you like to pay for that?”

    Customer: “Oh, darn. I must’ve forgotten my credit card at home. All I got is money.”

    Me: “We do take cash.”

    Customer: “It’s American money. I know you folks don’t take that.”

    Me: “We take American money. This is America.”

    (The man’s mouth literally drops open.)

    Customer: “No fooling? When did that happen?”

    Me: “When Illinois became a territory of the United States of America?”

    Customer: “America took land from the Canadians? I must’ve missed it on the news.”

    Yukon See It On A Map

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