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    Barely Scratched The Surface

    | Paxton, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

    Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

    Take Note Of Change

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (A customer is having problems at the self checkout lane.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, the machine isn’t taking my dollar.”

    Me: “Miss, there’s a quarter sticking out of the bill slot.”

    Customer: “Yes, there’s two dimes and a nickel in there too!”

    Me: “You didn’t think to use the coin slot for those?”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Out Of State, Out Of Mind

    | Berlin, Germany | Top

    Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

    (The customer hands me American dollars.)

    Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

    Customer: “But this is the US.”

    Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

    Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”

    Best. Grandpa. Ever.

    | Portland, ME, USA | Top

    (I work at a small grocery store owned by my Grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

    Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

    Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind open your jacket up?”

    Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

    (The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

    Customer: “GET OFF!”

    (My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

    Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

    (He put the beer down.)

    At Least They Made It To The Paper Anniversary

    | Greensboro, NC, USA |

    (I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

    Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

    Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

    (As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

    Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

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