(I am working as a cashier and an elderly lady comes in through my line.)
Old Lady: "Honey, you are always so nice to everybody. I bet no one ever does anything for you!"
Me: "Thank you! But that’s not true."
(I put the groceries in the cart for her, but she still stands by my register.)
Me: "Did you need anything else?"
Old Lady: "Here, you just take this as a lil’ thank-you from me!"
(She thrusts a couple of dollars at me. Mind you, there are cameras at every register and we aren’t allowed to take tips.)
Me: "I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t accept that. We don’t take tips."
Old Lady: "Take it, please!"
Me: "No, I really–"
Old Lady: "TAKE IT!"
(She then opens up my work shirt, puts the money inside, closes it, and pats my chest down.)
Old Lady: "Now you have a nice day!"
(There are guys from my college behind her and I’m red as a beet.)
One of the guys: "Heh heh, and how are you doin’?"
(The chain we are a part of has a free coffee/warm beverage deal if you buy a cup with their brand, new each year of course. A customer comes to cash registry with smoking hot cup of warm coffee and a candy bar. The cup clearly states it is from 2005.)
Me: “That’s [price] sir.”
Customer: *shouting* “What?! For one lousy candy bar? Are you insane?”
Me: “No sir, that’s for the candy bar, and for the hot beverage.”
Customer: “This is a brand new cup! I bought it last week. Don’t try to rip me off!”
(I point out the 2005 and he stares blankly at me for a second.)
Customer: “But I have a gold card! I’m entitled to coffee all year long!”
Me: “No, sir, you’re entitled to one cup. If you lose the cup, or fail to bring it, then you must pay for it.”
Customer: “I shouldn’t have to pay for things that I buy!”
(I have just finished ringing up a small order for a man and his 20-year-old son. Their change is only three cents, and they have already started walking away before I could hand it to them.)
Me: “Wait, I’ve still got your change, unless you don’t want it.”
Customer’s son: *doing Jedi hand wave* “We want our change.”
Me: *at the same time* “You don’t want your change.”
(We both wait a beat, then everyone in line breaks out laughing. We hadn’t practiced it, either.)
(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)
Me: “Did you find everything okay?”
Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”
(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)
Customer: “How are you so skinny?”
Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”
Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”
Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”
Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”
Customer: “Wait, you do?”
Me: “All the time, ma’am.”
Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”
Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”
Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”
Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”
Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”
Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”