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    How To Make Grandma Nun Too Happy

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Love/Romance, Top

    (I am Asian. I work as a cashier at a supermarket. Today I get one of my great-aunts in line. We chat as I am checking out her groceries.)

    Aunt: “So have you found anyone yet, [Name]?”

    Me: “Not yet, Auntie.”

    Aunt: “Well, [My Grandma] is getting anxious, you know. She wants great-grandchildren.”

    Me: “She already has great-grandchildren, Auntie. My cousins have kids, remember?”

    Aunt: “Then, your parents! They want to see you married and settled with grandchildren!”

    (My parents have never made any such demands of me, nor made any indication of such being expected. I remain calm and polite, as I am still at work and my great-aunt is a paying customer.)

    Me: *changing the subject slightly* “I think my sister would have something to say about that!”

    (My sister is both older than me and already married.)

    Aunt: “Oh, yes, that’s right! She did the right thing, you know; marrying properly.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Aunt: “She married that nice [regional Chinese] boy. Not just [other Chinese], but [regional Chinese], like us. Proper. Your grandma said so.”

    (I am appalled, all the more so because she’s utterly sincere.)

    Me: “…I thought she was joking?”

    Aunt: “Oh no! Very serious. She was quite upset when [My Cousin] married that Vietnamese boy. And all these others, gwailo (white people) and…”

    (She goes on a tirade about not marrying outside the group. I am speechless.)

    Me: “Your total is [amount], Auntie.”

    Aunt: “Oh, I bought too much again! Ah, the boys will eat it. See you soon, [My Name]!”

    (I automatically wave goodbye, still dumbfounded. Finally, she’s bagged her things and gone.)

    Me: *thinking out loud* “Screw this. I might as well join a convent.”

    Next Customer: “I don’t think that’d work for a bright young girl like you, sweetheart.”

    (It is at this point I realize both my new customers are wearing habits and veils.)

    Me: “Oh, crap! Sorry, Sisters.”

    Nun #1: “Don’t be!”

    Nun #2: “We heard what she said. You love who want, when you want, in your own good time.”

    Nun #1: “Besides, running off to a convent doesn’t work like that these days. You need a vocation.”

    (She leans forward to take my hand.)

    Nun #1: “And convent life isn’t all that cracked up to be! You’re a good girl, and a lovely person. We always look for you when we stop by, you know. Take your time to figure out your path.”

    Nun #2: “And if it does lead to us, at least you’ll be prepared! Either way, have faith. Bless you, dear!”

    (I finish ringing them up, and they go on their way. My supervisor walks over.)

    Supervisor: “You all right?”

    (I shrug, dazed.)

    Supervisor: “Go take your break. You’re due for one, anyway.”

    (One of the weirdest and most heartwarming shifts I ever had!)

    Pass The Buck To Your Manager

    | IA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I am stocking the liquor section. An older customer comes up to the register. He is wearing cut-off jeans going three quarters of the way up his thigh and a flannel shirt unbuttoned to his belly button.)

    Customer: “I want the liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

    Me: “Could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I want that liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

    Me: “Do you know the name of this drink?”

    Customer: “No, but I know it is made of deer’s blood.”

    (I call over the manager who deals with the liquor section.)

    Me: “Do we have a liqueur made of deer’s blood?”

    Manager: “I don’t think we stock anything like that. Let’s look.”

    (We look for a while and I eventually take a bottle of Jägermeister off the shelf.)

    Me: “Is this what you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

    Walking A Mile With Another Man’s Candy

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I am checking out a customer.)

    Me: “Hello! How are you doing today?”

    (The customer just mumbles something. I am scanning his groceries. I am almost finished when he says something to me.)

    Customer: “Grab me a couple of sneakers back there.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “Get me two sneakers from over there!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I do not understand what you are asking for.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid or deaf? A COUPLE D*** SNEAKERS! RIGHT BEHIND YOU! JESUS CHRIST!”

    Me: “Sir, there is no need to take that tone with me, as I am neither deaf or stupid.”

    (The customer is getting furious with me. The next customer behind him in line tries to clarify the misunderstanding.)

    Next Customer: “I think he’s asking for SNICKERS Candy Bars.”

    Me: “Thank you. I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get them for you.”

    Customer: “Never mind! If you’re too f****** stupid to understand what I am asking for, what the h*** are you doing workin’ with customers?!”

    Me: “Sir, I apologized for not understanding you. But you can not and will not talk to me in that foul manner. There are children around. Even if there weren’t, you should never speak to anyone like that. That is completely uncalled for!”

    Customer: “F*** you! Give me my d*** change!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    (He finally gets his things and leaves. The next customer steps up.)

    Next Customer: “I didn’t understand him at first. I thought he was asking for a d*** pair of shoes!” *laughs*

    Three Is A Magic Number

    | Louisville, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (We have a coworker who keeps getting obscene, prank calls. One day I answer the phone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *muttering* “You can f*** me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “I said, you can F*** ME!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Not Just The Cream Turning Sour

    | Wichita, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (This week, we’re running a deal on a certain brand of sour cream. A customer starts loading her groceries onto the belt.)

    Me: “Hi! Is that it for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, dear! That’s all.”

    (I make small talk with her while I’m ringing her out. Then I notice that she has two tubs of the sour cream on sale.)

    Me: “I have some good news! We’re running an awesome special on this sour cream right now. If you want to grab another one, it’ll be free.”

    (The customer freezes and stares at me, her eyes wide.)

    Customer: “…excuse me?”

    Me: “Er, it’s three-for-two? We have a refurbi—”

    Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

    (I ring my manager immediately, because her transformation was, frankly, terrifying.)

    Manager: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “This little c*** tried to charge me for three tubs of sour cream! Do you treat all of your customers this way? Do you ENJOY ripping people OFF and GUTTING THEM of their HARD-EARNED MONEY?”

    Manager: *turns to me* “What?”

    Me: “The three-for-two!” *I turn to the customer again* “Ma’am, I was trying to explain that you can get three for the price of two.”

    Customer: “C***! You just enjoy watching other people’s money get snatched away. You don’t care.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I promise. I wasn’t—”

    Manager: “Okay, okay. Everyone calm down.”

    (My manager nudges me toward the break room.)

    Manager: “I’ll finish up here.”

    (The customer shrieks as I make my way to the break room, demanding that I be prosecuted for larceny and threatening to call the police. Even when I am in the break room, I can still hear her. I call my girlfriend, hoping she can calm me down. My girlfriend also works in the store.)

    Girlfriend: “Wait. Wait. Does this woman have purple glasses?”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh, my God. Yeah, babe. I’m gonna go out and buy you a nice bottle of wine; how’s that?”

    (As it turns out, that woman had gone off on three other employees, including my girlfriend, on our old manager’s watch. She had been banned from the store until our new manager was hired. She actually tried to sue one of the cashiers for larceny!)


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