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    New Ways To Sleep On The Job

    | Muskegon, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (I am a small, twenty-year-old female working the closing shift at my store. A very large, unclean looking man is at my till about fifteen minutes before close. He’s been silent up until I’ve started ringing up the last items he has.)

    Customer: “You get out soon?”

    (I don’t find this question odd, as many people ask it just to make conversation.)

    Me: “We close at eleven, so ,yeah. I get out just a little after that.”

    Customer: “Do you want a job working for me?”

    Me: “Uh… no. That’s okay. I already have a job here, and I don’t really have time for a second job. Thanks, though. Your total is [total].”

    Customer: “Well, it’s only nights. You don’t have plans after work, do you? The job pays well.”

    Me: “Actually, I do have plans. My boyfriend is picking me up after my shift.”

    (The man grumbles something incoherent, pays with food stamps, then leaves. My manager comes over, to help close my register down.)

    Manager: “What was that about?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. I think he was trying to pay me to sleep with him.”

    Manager: “You know, I was wondering if that’s what was happening.”

    In For A Penny, In For A Pound Bag

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Money

    Boyfriend: “Baby carrots are $0.99 for a one pound bag and $1.99 for a two pound bag.”

    Me: “I need two pounds.”

    (My boyfriend grabs a two pound bag and a customer next to him does as well.)

    Me: “You know, it’s technically cheaper to buy two one pound bags—”

    (The customer next to my boyfriend suddenly SLAMS his carrots down, snatches two one pound bags from the display and SPRINTS away.)

    Me: “…by one penny.”

    That One Is A Bad Egg

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I recently started working at a local grocery store as a cashier. One of my duties is to inspect eggs to make sure they haven’t broken in their carton before the customer buys them. I do this as a woman is unloading the rest of her groceries. I pick one up delicately with my recently-washed fingers because I thought I saw a crack running to the bottom. The woman mutters something about needing to get more eggs and disappears. I think nothing of it until she comes back and hands me the new eggs. I open the carton to check them.)

    Woman: “I already checked them! You don’t have to do that!”

    Me: “Sorry, miss. Force of habit.”

    Woman: “Well, stop it! That’s the whole reason I went back to get another carton! I don’t like people manhandling my eggs!”

    (I become very embarrassed because I have impaired hearing in the ear that was facing her and realize I didn’t hear her asking me to not touch the eggs with my hands.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, miss! I didn’t hear you. It’s policy for me to check—”

    Woman: “No! No one has EVER done that to me before! Where is your manager? This is unacceptable! I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU MANHANDLING MY EGGS!”

    (She thrusts the first carton of eggs at me and instructs me to get rid of them. I finish the transaction as quickly as possible, apologizing profusely as I go, but nothing placates the customer and she continues to rant about how I’m “clueless” and “no one has ever manhandling her eggs like that before.” She leaves in a huff and my next customer comes forward. He gives me a good-natured grin.)

    Next Customer: “You can manhandle my groceries anyway you want!”

    Going To Get Charged With Nine Months

    | CT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in this small grocery store and we don’t get many customers until one day…)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, could you help me with my stuff.”

    (The lady has a large stomach.)

    Me: “Sure, ma’am.”

    (I help her, but she slips a bit and I see a watermelon sticking out a bit from her shirt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the watermelon from your shirt.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL B****?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PREGNANT?!”

    Me: “I can see it slipping from your shirt…”

    (At this point the customer started running away, but fell over herself. The watermelon splattered everywhere and she kept screaming MY BABY! MY POOR BABY! but realized it was useless and she was caught. That really made my day.)

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    Sunglass And Hit Station

    | USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hey there, what can I get you?”

    Woman: “Oh, I’ll have [Lottery Game] and two packs of [Cigarettes].”

    (As I get her items and ring them in, I notice her staring intently at some sunglasses that a regular had left behind.)

    Woman: “Those sunglasses are so cute. What’s the deal with them?”

    Me: “Oh, another customer left them behind. We’re keeping them up front in case she comes back today.”

    Woman: “What if she doesn’t come back?”

    Me: “Then it gets moved to the lost and found.”

    Woman: “What if she never comes back for them?”

    Me: “Uh, well, I think [Store Owner] either throws lost items away after a period of time or donates them.”

    Woman: “So they’re just gonna get thrown away?”

    Me: “Not necessarily. Most people who leave stuff behind come back for them, and this woman is in here all the time, so I’m sure—”

    Woman: “I want them.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Woman: “I want those sunglasses.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t give them to you. However, we have many styles of sunglasses on display just around the corner from the desk, so if you’d like—”

    Woman: “No. I want those ones.”

    Me: “Ma’am, they belong to someone else.”

    Woman: “Well, what if I said that they’re my sunglasses and I forgot them?”

    Me: “Okay, except we just had a conversation about how they’re NOT yours and how the person who DOES own them left them behind. So, no, you can’t have them.”

    Woman: “But I don’t understand why I can’t have them.”

    (This circular argument goes on for a while. Eventually my manager comes over because he’s noticed a three-item transaction has gone on for almost five minutes.)

    Manager: “Is there something wrong, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Yes, this little girl won’t give me my sunglasses.”

    Manager: *looks at me* “[My Name]?”

    Me: “Well, they’re not her sunglasses. [Regular] was here earlier and left them at register one.”

    Woman: “No, she wasn’t. She didn’t! They’re mine!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just all but told me these aren’t your sunglasses and I saw

    [Regular] set them down on register one when she was here earlier.”

    Woman: *shrilly* “No! They’re mine!”

    (She suddenly lunges forward and throws herself across the counter, trying to reach the sunglasses. My manager pushes me behind him and snatches the woman’s arm.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you have to leave! You can’t assault the employees or steal from other customers.”

    Woman: “I’m not stealing! They’re mine! THEY’RE MINE!”

    (My manager had to forcibly remove her from the store. The true owner of the sunglasses came in the next morning and my manager regaled the story to her. She just laughed and told him to tell me she was sorry I had to go through that. All that fuss over a pair of $5 sunglasses!)

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