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    Fractionally More Stupid

    | Greenville, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I have recently started working in the deli of a grocery store.)

    Me: “Hello. How are you today, miss?”

    Customer: “Hi, I would like some [Brand] ham please.”

    Me: “Sure, and how much of the [Brand] ham would you like?”

    Customer: *thinking* “Um… I’ll take about a quarter — no! I’ll take less than that. I want more than a third of a pound, but no more than one quarter pound!”

    (I tried my best not to laugh at the fact that a third is actually MORE than a fourth (difference between 0.33 and 0.25 respectively). I ended up slicing her one fifth instead. No wonder there’s a math joke saying that ‘5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions!’)

    Dressing Up The Situation More Than Required

    | London, England, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

    (I work in a small corner shop. It’s around two pm and the store is pretty dead. A lady walks in and purchases a large quantity of alcohol, paying in cash. She spots the engagement ring on my finger as I hand her the change.)

    Customer: “Aww, are you getting married?”

    Me: “Yeah, I’ve been engaged for almost two months now.”

    Customer: “That’s nice. I’ve been married for just under thirty years now.”

    (She reaches back into her purse and pulls out a twenty pound note.)

    Customer: “You seem like such a sweet girl. Here, take this. Put it towards your husband’s suit or something.”

    (I don’t like taking other people’s money, especially from strangers, so she puts it on the counter.)

    Me: “Well, um, actually my, uh, girlfriend and I are both gonna be wearing dresses but thanks.”

    (I don’t tend to discuss my personal life with customers much, and this one showed me why. Nodding for the briefest of moments before she realised what I’d said, her eyes widened in shock and she turned around and sprinted out of the store faster than I would have believed for someone of her age, leaving behind the £20 as well as all her purchases. We kept them behind the counter for a week before my boss decided to donate them to me and my now wife for our wedding. It’s been a month now since the wedding, but no-one since has asked about it.)

    Changing The Meaty Subject

    | IN, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I’m the manager on duty on a hot day in July. A customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Your dumpster is a disgrace! It’s full of rotten meat! It smells terrible, and has maggots in it! Someone could get sick!”

    Me: “Well, it’s been very hot out, and the meat department has been doing a lot of trimming lately. But I have to ask: what were you doing in our dumpster?”

    Customer: “Don’t change the subject!” *storms out*

    The Rules Are Carved In Stone

    | KY, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Money

    (I ring up a lady who got only a carving pumpkin, which are quite large, and she slides her card through the machine. Note: I’m 16 and relatively new to my job.)

    Me: “That’s weird; it didn’t charge your card.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “It charged $0.00 to your card. Could you slide it again for me?”

    Customer: “No, it’ll charge me twice.”

    Me: “Well, it charged $0.00 the first time, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (She slides her card again. This time I realize she’s using food stamps.)

    Me: “Oh, ma’am, it’s not food stamp eligible.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not.”

    Customer: “Pumpkins are technically food, so yes, it is.”

    Me: “The computer doesn’t think it is.”

    Customer: “Look, kid, have they not taught you in school yet that you can pay for food with food stamps?”

    Me: “Ma’am, these are ‘carving’ pumpkins.”

    Customer: “Okay, now you’re p***ing me off. Pumpkins are food. Now, ring it up right or I’m going to talk to your manager.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand that pumpkins are food, but we sell these pumpkins specifically for carving, not for eating.”

    Customer: “Pumpkins. Are. Food.”

    Me: “Do you intend to eat it?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Are you going to eat this pumpkin, ma’am?”

    Customer: “…no, but that shouldn’t matter.”

    Me: “Ma’am, food stamps are for people who can’t afford to buy food themselves. If you can afford to use them to buy decorations, then maybe you shouldn’t be using them.”

    Customer: *she glares at me for a second, then hands me a five dollar bill* “Unbelievable.”

    (She then stormed out.)

    That Customer Is Trumped By THAT Customer

    | USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (In passing, I have noticed a sale on NERF products in my local store. I and some friends have been planning a NERF based event so I begin to empty the aisle. This takes place at checkout.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am? Shouldn’t these be ‘buy one get one free’?”

    Cashier: “No, sir, I believe the sale is ‘buy two get one free.’”

    Me: “Hmm… I think I’ll go look again to be sure. Do you mind holding my purchase for me?”

    Cashier: “Not at all, sir.”

    (I walk back over and sure enough the cashier knew what she was talking about. I walk back dejected at being THAT customer and as I return to line…)

    Cashier: “Sir, I can’t accept this. This is for [Unrelated Store].”

    Other Customer: “Oh… well, how about this?” *hands her a different card with a movie theater chain’s logo clearly on the front*

    Cashier: “No, I can’t take that either.”

    (This process repeats two or three more times before the gentleman pays and leaves.)

    Me: *as I walk up to the cashier again* “You know, I was just depressed about being THAT customer today. Now? I don’t feel quite so bad.”

    Cashier: “At least you can tell what store you’re in.”

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