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    A Gluten For Punishment

    | AL, USA |

    (A powerful storm has ripped through the state. The power has gone out. I have a rack of bread stuck in the oven with no way of removing it without power.)

    Customer: “Do you have any hot bread?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It’s stuck in the oven and the power is off.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just open it?”

    Me: “Not with the way our ovens rotate. There’s no way to get the bread off the rack.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just reach in and grab one for me?”

    Me: “Not without horribly burning myself.”

    Customer: “Would you mind trying?”


    | Peotone, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Which is the better of these two cake mix brands?”

    Me: “Well, both are on sale. One does contain more trans-fats, though.”

    Customer: “Nah, I’ll go with this one. I’d rather use shortening than a stick of butter. Don’t want all of them…uh…transvestites.”

    Buying Bread Costs You Dough

    | Hull, UK |

    Me: “I’m sorry, the bread isn’t scanning on to the till. I will just go and check the price on the shelf.”

    Customer: “When I was a boy like you, I used to work everything out in my head. None of this till business.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t seem to find where you got that particular type of bread from. May I ask where you took it from?”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. Is your manager here?”

    Me: “She leaves me in the shop on Sundays. Did you get the bread from here?”

    Customer: “No. I got it from the supermarket.”

    Me: “So, you’ve already paid for it at another shop, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry. My brain isn’t what it used to be.”

    Me: “That’s why I use a till, sir.”

    The Devil To Pay, Part 2

    | TX, USA |

    Me: “Alright. Your total is $23.34.”

    (The customer hands me $30.)

    Me: “Alright. Your change is $6.66.”

    Customer: “That’s the devil’s number. I don’t want my change. It’s been tainted by Lucifer.”

    Me: “Will it help if I give you an extra penny, or one less?”

    Customer: “I don’t want it! The devil’s already marching through the stores.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s just six dollars and some change. If you want, you can buy a pack of gum and it’ll be a dollar less.”

    Customer: “That’s just Satan’s way of entering my body because I didn’t heed God’s word!”

    (The customer gets on her knees and begins to scream, cry, and pray. My manager comes up as I’m not able to check anyone else out. Everyone else has gone to another checkout because she’s frightened other customers.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re upsetting people. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “Your cashier is touched by Lucifer himself! She needs to be baptized in the holy waters.”

    Manager: *giving up* “Don’t worry, we have the priests come in every Sunday to bless our shipments.”

    Customer: “Oh, well. That’s the Christian thing to do.”

    (The customer gets up and takes her groceries. She refuses to take her money. The manager just tells me to keep it so my drawer isn’t over.)

    The Devil To Pay

    True Exits Are On The Way Out

    | PEI, Canada |

    (We are a very small store, and only have one entrance/exit door. A visitor from a larger city, is standing in the middle of the store, looking lost.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where is your exit?”

    Me: “Our exit?”

    Customer: “Yes, I came in that door, but I can’t find your exit.”

    Me: “We only have one door.”

    Customer: “One door? How strange!”

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